Final Moments of 2009

Here we are again, at the end of another year. Typically that means holiday cheer and parties. For Walter and I, for the past 3 years, it means moving. Hopefully we will be out of this cycle and onto the next best thing. Here are some highlights and lows of the year. I will list the blessings and curses (which are learning opportunities for us) of the past year.

Highlights/Blessings

1. The move to Austin- A great change of pace.

2. Blessed to find jobs at the right time- right before we went through all our savings, we found jobs. I had a temp job full of opportunities and then got my job at Whole Foods. Walter got a job at Party City, followed by one at Puma then his current one with West Elm (the one he wanted from the moment he heard it was going to open at the beginning of the year).

3. New and rekindled friendships. Walter reconnected with friend from high school, me with a friend from Salt Lake City I had not seen in 11 years, and new friends we were blessed to meet.

4. Medical attention- I found out about a program through one of the big health care providers here in Texas and was able to get the attention I needed while I was without insurance.

5. Found a fabulous new place to move to!

6. The group of Walter's high school friend get together at the ranch in Wimberly. It was fun to be away from everything and get to know everyone and their significant others better and bond with everyone. I hope for another one or more this coming year.

7. Learning humility and patience. It was a long year with that lesson! LOL

8. Healthy living started here! Thanks to Carly and desire!

Lows/Curses

1. Change- Change in location. Change in income. Change in living space. Change in pet. It was rough and different, but we learned a lot and survived.

2. Missing family. But it makes me more appreciative.

3. Can't really think of anything else. Guess that makes it awesome!

Not the best recap, but just things off the top of my head. I welcome 2010! May it have more highs than lows just like this year!

I Live in a Crooked House

No joke. I really do. You can sit a bottle on the floor in the kitchen and without a push it will roll across the house to the bathroom. It is kind of funny, until you start to realise that it is giving you a contant uneasiness in your living space.

It is almost a year that we have been here. Almost a full year of living slanted. Tomorrow is that day that all changes. We get the keys to our new place. One not so slanted. One that is cleaned and ready to move into. One that has amenities including a daily trash valet so we don't have to take out our own garbage if we don't want to.

Needless to say I am excited. I am excited for the extra space, new location, storage, pool for the summer time, and last but certainly not least, I am excited to be level again. I think this house we are in now defines our year. It is a very nice place and grateful to have it, but it just was a little off. It was not quite what we expected or wanted, but it sure worked out for our needs. As the year passed, needs changed and so has our circumstances. Everything improved culminating up to our new place. I am excited for the new space and the new year coming. I have a grand feeling that it is going to be a great one!

My Thoughts...A Year Ago and Today. A Year of Learning and Reflection

So 51 weeks ago, I wrote this:

My Life in a Box

It seemed like we got rid of so much, but when it came time to pack the 12 foot by 8 foot by 9 foot space on the back of the moving truck we realized how much we really still had. Our whole lives were in boxes, packed into another box. One cannot say how it really feels to see all your worldly belongings in one small space. You realize how insignificant it all really is. It is not like I have never moved before, but this time is different. The last few times we had time to go back to the house and pick up stuff we left, and slowly move over all the remnants. This time however, literally everything we own was in this space. If the trailer is stolen, broken into, burned, everything we have acquired over these years would be gone! Really makes you think about it.

But, the truck is packed. Cars will be packed today. House will be cleaned today and we will be completely out at least until the carpet cleaners come Monday. This move is really happening and I am so excited for it.

And that brings us to now...almost a year later. Again, my life is in boxes. Not fully boxed like last year, but still enough to realize you need something and find that you have already packed it away. This move is sort of back to our standard. We get our keys on Wednesday and will pick them up with some kitchen items in tow. The succeeding days will follow with multiple trips back and forth bringing over thing we do not want to pack well so the movers can take them. I am sure Christmas day will contain more moving as well as the weekend of which I have one day off. Monday the movers will arrive somewhere between 8 and 10 a.m. They will take all the big stuff. The stuff we don't want to carry or get a truck to do. Thank goodness the new apartment complex is paying for the first 2 hours of this. That should cut our moving costs out a lot or completely if it works out well. The rest of the day will bring moving all the final things over to the new house and, if I am lucky, cleaning of the old one (if not, then Tuesday will be for cleaning). By this time the house will mostly be set up and ready to go and the stress over.

I look over the past year and I have learned a lot of things. Some things I was reminded of, others I learned to appreciate more. This move to Austin was very rewarding all around. We make a lot less money now, but are living life a lot better; physically, mentally, and healthily. I don't see the $$ as a trade off because we knew what we were getting into. We knew getting settled the first year would be difficult and life would not be the same as it has been in the past, but ultimately it would be better. I know we have succeeded in that.

Here is a quick list of things that I have personally learned/remembered this last year:

1. Be humble. Give up your pride. Take advantage of those things that you thought you were too good for. Programs are there for a reason. Some people abuse them, but without some of them, I would not have survived as well as I have this year.

2. Be happy for what you have, not miserable for what you cannot get. My life could be a lot worse. The fact that I cannot just run out and get a new Blue Ray player if I want one or a new laptop is really not that big of a deal. There are those who can't even afford a $30 DVD player and some don't even have a TV.

3. Friends, real ones, love you for who you are, not what you can provide. A real friend is not offended if you decline a dinner invitation because you simply have no cash. A real friend changes plans to accommodate, offers to pay if they have the means, or understands and is not offended. What goes around comes around (as I have learned this year). If the generosity of others if offered to you, just remember, you have probably been generous to others, so let it be offered to you and be gracious.

4. It does not matter what you do, but how you do it. I am most grateful for the fact I have a job, especially in these hard times. It may not be a great fit for my talents, but it pays the bills and gets me by. I could just stand by complaining about it all day, but I choose to find better ways to be efficient at it, perform to my best. It is my high standards I am out to satisfy, not the companies because my standards of my work are set much higher than any company can set.

5. Karma is a bitch, but it is a confidant as well. All the good things you do come back to you too, not just the bad and I feel I must have been really good to have been as blessed as I have been this past year. Good friends, old and new. A good job (I could work in a place where people are assholes but cannot quit, but I work with a bunch of wonderful and multi-faceted people fro all walks of life and multiple talents and abilities). Walter. We have our bumps, but they are just speed bumps, never anything that cannot be overcome. Supportive family. They might not be thrilled I moved so far away, and they might remind me of that often, but I feel they appreciate me more now.

6. Healthy eating is the key. You can exercise all you want, and it might make you fit, but what you put into your body is what makes you healthy. I can feel it. I can feel it when I make bad choices. A good balance of exercise and good eating is my major goal next year. I have a good start on the eating part, now to integrate the working out part. 2010 will see me looking fabulous!

7. People are individuals and wonderful. If you judge a book by its cover, you are missing out on some good reading. I wish more people would realize that. Fat, thin, pierced, tattooed, old, young, gay, straight, poor, well-to-do, angry, happy; everyone has a story and you don't have to like it, but just like an unfamiliar thing on a menu, you will never know unless you try. Try first then decide you do or don't like it.

8. Patience. I still don't have it, but I am getting better with it. I have learned a lot about patience. Let me put a number on it. 500+ hours job hunting. 180 resumes sent. 4 interviews. 2 jobs not received. 1 job (that I had help getting) acquired. 1 interview still coming, results TBD. I am still smiling and happy. I guess I have learned some patience after all.

9. Charity. Kind of goes along with #1 and #3, but still worth a mention. Charity comes in all forms, whether it be a shoulder to cry on, a free meal, help with medical, etc. We give and we receive. Thank goodness for it! Pass it on. You never know when you will need it.

I am sure I have learned a lot more things, but those are the ones that come first to my mind. My life is again in boxes. It is again in disarray. But the destination, just like last year, is worth it and life will be clear again.

Another Holiday in Disarray! But it's O.K.

It seems like just last year (since it was just last year) that my house was in disarray; full of boxes, packing materials, and organized plans and timelines. Well, here I am again doing the same thing. I have things to do and lists of things to check off. Making plans for movers, planning budgets, and calls to make. Gotta change addresses, forward mail, and plan what to hand carry. Oh, on top of this there is the holidays: the work schedules, the shopping, the parties, the get togethers. Seem a little overwhelming. Fortunately I have had to deal with this for the past 3 years. It is nothing new. Something that we are breaking the pattern of (we signed a 15 month lease).

I look forward to 2010. Things seem to go better in even years. The things I am looking forward to are:

-Finding a better paying job. While highly grateful for the job I have and enjoy it most of the time, it is just not a fit for my talents, and I hope to find something that will be.

-Another wonderful year with Walter. We have had some amazing times over the past 9 years. Year ten should bring a whole lot more.

-Travel. I hope to take a vacation this year, as well as visit my mom in Utah, friends in Cali and Las Vegas as well as some local Texas friends.

-Friends. Associating with the great friends I have now and meeting new ones!

-A Wedding. Yes that is right, my sister-in-law is getting married! Excited for that. Trip to Florida is on the horizon for summer!

-Health. With the move, I will now have access to gym equipment. Back to eating better (not that I am doing that bad now) but add exercise into the mix, I will be unstoppable.

Out of the chaos and into 2010 will be exciting! I cannot wait!

I Heart Christmas...but why I am feeling like I am so different?

Christmas is my favorite holiday of all time. I love to decorate, buy presents, listen to the carols and songs, host and attend parties, bake, cook, drink egg nog. This year however I feel different. While all those thing I love to do hold true, I feel crazy because I feel perfectly content not receiving a thing for the holiday. Give me a call and a chat. Give me a card. Give me a piece of yourself because that is what really lasts with me. Give me a memory. Give me a hug. Give me your time. I guess that does sound contradictory to what I just said about being content not getting anything, but I guess I meant that I did not need a "typical gift".

Our spending budgets are set to coincide with moving budgets and all. I ask Walter what he is wanting for Christmas with no answer. He asks me what I want, and honestly I want a new iMac, 50" LCD HDTV, Blue Ray Player and some of my favorite movies on Blue Ray, and a plane ticket home to go see my family sometime in January of February....but since those happen to be way out of our budget until I find a better paying job, I don't really want anything.

Am I that different? I don't think I am the "I want it all or nothing" type of person. Just the things I really want I don't really need...I just want. Do I have something that works instead of those things that I want? Hell yes! I have a nice 51" projection HDTV, a 400 disc DVD player, a desktop AND a laptop computer, and hundreds (might be closer to a thousand) movies to watch and enjoy. So why be put into debt trying to attain things that I just want and don't really need? Well, I think that is why Walter and I set X-mas spending budgets each year. But even on the small budget set, there is still nothing that I really want. Kind of crazy isn't it.

I have to say I am grateful for all that I do have. I have a great life! I have a man who loves me, a nice place to lay my tired head at night. I have a job with a great company. I have loving friends and family. I have enough to pay my bills each month and enjoy other things as well. I have a nice car. I have my health, and health care. I have nothing for want. Tis the season to give and be grateful for what I do have, which I am.

Do my views make me different? I really feel they do. I feel that so many people are focused on what they want for Christmas, focused on the "stresses" of the holiday, that they forget to enjoy the season. It is a season of giving. A season, for those who are religious, to remember the birth of Jesus Christ. A season to remember old friends, welcome new one, and appreciate them. A season to love your family, even though you know they are heavily flawed and sometimes don't love you back. It is a reminder of how loving and giving we should be year round, not just during the season. It is a season of appreciation.

I heart Christmas and all it entails! I hope this year we all remember what the season really is about, not matter what it means to you.

Food Inc.

So tonight Walter and I watched the documentary, Food Inc. I have to say it was startling and appalling the thing we saw and the reality of our nations food. I seriously want to grow a huge garden and eat mainly off that for the rest of my life. There were times where I was nearly in tears, not because of the cruelty to animals, but because the food we eat to sustain ourselves and nourish our bodies is actually killing us!

Lessons learned from the documentary:
1. Read the label on ALL you buy. You may not buy things because you do.
2. Grass fed beef DOES taste different...I bought some at work the other day and made it AND when I ate it it brought me back to childhood...That is how beef tasted when I was a kid. 35 years later it tastes different. Does that not seem wrong to anyone else but me??
3. Corn is in EVERYTHING! It is so scary all the things that corn is in. Things you would not even think. I am trying to avoid corn now, and read labels to avoid corn further in all its many names.
4. Our healthy "organic" companies are being bought by the big companies. My Tom's all natural toothpaste is now owned by Colgate. I really hope they keep the product the same.
5. People care more about money than they do about their health. Scary but true. I have been known to do this at times. I am not talking the difference between organic and conventional fruits and vegetables, I am talking having McDonalds for dinner as opposed to buying stuff at the store to make. Scary...sad.
6. Companies are out for a profit, not for the good and well being of their consumers. I think we forget that.
7. You really get what you pay for when it comes to food.
8. I am trying to make more from scratch than from cans and packages. If I know what is going into it, then I am to blame for eating something bad. Easiest things to make yourself...salad dressings (why ruin something healthy with a chemical based dressing), pasta sauces, gravies, stir fries, and most meals. Convenience over health...hummmm. I choose health.
9. I want to grow my own garden for things I used most. I want to grow herbs, tomatoes, lettuces, and squashes. How great to just grab it from my garden to make for that day. Yumm and it will be picked fresh, like it should be.

It was eye opening and amazing to watch. Scary and informative. All-in-all...interesting. I highly recommend it.

Day 2 On the Wagon - Fell off a little

So I weighed myself this morning and according to Wii Fit I was at a BMI of 35.56 and weight of 277; a total loss of 3.7 lbs (to get the decimals in there). It was probably because the night before day 1 I had been to a Halloween party and munched and drank more that I should have. It could have been that I actually ate pretty well that day. Today however I did ok, but was not a shining star. I have my smoothie for breakfast, salad with chicken for lunch, 2 large coffees spread through my shift at work, then to Costco after work I was starving so I had 2 hot dogs. Dinner consisted of about 1/2 lb of Carne Asada and pablano peppers stuffed with mashed potatoes seasoned with bacon bits (the real kind) and green onions and butter with cheese melted over. I know I know, I fell off the wagon...oh yeah, I had a piece of pumpkin pie for dessert. Now that I type all that I sound like a cow! MOOOOOOOO! Ok, tomorrow I will be better. No hot dogs! and well, only once slice of pie! I love pumpkin pie! Hopefully my numbers on Wii Fit will go down or at least stay the same as today! I'll let'cha know! Til then....MOOOOOOOOOOOO

I fell off the wagon..now time to jump back on!

I so fell off the eating well wagon. It my have been the trip to Florida to take the dog out there (I did gain 5 pounds in those few days). I may have been stress ( I have been stress eating a lot lately). Maybe it has been a little of everything. But here I am, jumping publicly back on the wagon! I braved Wii Fit today and here were my scores: Weight, 281; BMI, 36.05; Wii Fit Age 23.

In hopes to get back on track I tried to eat less, eat better, and eat in better intervals. I think I succeeded. I guess tomorrow's number will tell!

Living the Dream...well, Plan B

It seemed as if I thought I had it all planned out. I figured I would go to school, know what I wanted to do, work through it, graduate, and have fabulous job that paid well. All this by the time I was 25. It seems however that life had different lessons to teach me.

I dropped out of University of Utah after 2 semesters, worked at Discover Card for 2 years, dealt with my parents divorce, and personally dealing with being gay and losing the majority of my "friends", making new friends, moving to Connecticut, which changed 4 days before the move, to Las Vegas. Twelve years after, I am still in Plan B, or maybe it is C or D or E by now. No matter what it is, it is not where I saw myself at age 35. I seriously expected to be in a "career" by now.

Leaving Las Vegas was the first of the best steps to my future. I am less stressed, more directed and not tempted by the $$$ from working in the casino industry. I am getting more and more healthy, feeling more creative, and being more productive than I have been in a very long time. I am the most poor I have been in a very very very long time, but I am happy, and isn't that what matters? I think it is. Definitely a step in the right direction. Next step, finding the perfect job that will bring me closer to a career.

What do I want in a job? Well, here is what I do want:
~ To work in a casual dress environment
~ I want to be able to be creative
~ I want my day to day tasks to be different (they can be the same in general, but not every day)
~ I want to be able to have a mohawk again if I want to
~ I want to make the money that I know I am worth
~ I want growth potential and opportunities to gain more knowledge and skills
~ I want a pension
~ I want a balanced environment

While those are most of the things that I want in a job, I will accept any of those and realize that there will be few jobs in the world that will satisfy all of those.

Will finding that job take me from Plan B to the dream? I am not sure, but I am sure going to try and see if it will.

That takes me to the final step...starting a new goal...but that will left for when I get out of Plan B!

Life Is A Balancing Act

Work, school, studies, TV, exercise, relationships, social interactions, eating, relaxing, traveling. Life can be busy with whatever it is you do. Some people say they don't have time to do it all. Some have so much extra time they don't know what to do with it. I, myself, try to keep all that balanced out. I notice that when I do that I tend to be happier, healthier and less stressed out.

Often we put too many demands on ourselves. By doing this we over fill our "plate" so to speak. I do it. I try not to, but sometimes it does happen. I also do the opposite and am too lazy to step up to the buffet of life and starve myself. How does one keep the right balance?

Balance is in every part of our lives. Food is a huge part of my life. I love to cook and love to eat. I love to experience new flavors and different foods. Even here there has to be a good balance. I cannot eat too many heavy foods or fried foods or I will get sick. I cannot eat fine dining too much or I will be broke. I cannot eat huge portions or I will become more fat. If I eat too much sugar I need to be ready for the results of that on the scale. I am learning that to keep that balance is easier that I would have thought a little while ago. If I eat sensibly the majority of the time, I can over do it every little bit, I just have to remember to be more strict about what I eat to compensate. If we only learned food balance, we would probably be a healthier country. Eat in moderation (balance) and eat more healthy foods than unhealthy processed foods (balance), but don't deny yourself things you like.

Any good trainer will tell you that after you work out, your muscle group needs rest. I unfortunately rest too much and don't work out the muscle groups enough. I am very out of balance there. I need to do better. I know I need to do better, but somewhere in my mind I am not willing to do better. I would rather relax on my day off (like I am now sitting at the Coffee Bean typing this). The problem with me is that when I am doing it, I love to exercise. I totally get into it. I need to find a way to motivate my ass into doing it! Balance. All about balance.

At work yesterday I woman came through my line and I asked her how her weekend was going. Her response, "Well, these few hours I am getting off to come shopping and make myself dinner are good, but other than that I have been working. I don't have much free time." How sad. Everyone needs time off work. I could tell by her clothing and the exotic and expensive mushrooms she was purchasing that she was paid well for what she does, but at what price to her life. I could tell she was single and working all the time. I want nice things. I want a life where I can afford to do anything I want to do, but I also want time to do it and someone to experience it with. Balance.

Some say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I can roll with that. It does not really have to be a literal distance, but time. Walter and I over the past few weeks have not seen much of each other. His store opening, my erratic work schedule, and just those things that happen in life have caused this. I miss him when I don't see him much. I think it is healthy. I long to spend time with him when we do have time together, even if it is (like right now) just sitting together doing our own things. When we spend too much time together, I like it, but often need that "me time". Again, balance in relationships with others. Nice to have them around, but nice to be alone sometimes too. To keep this balance and not resent the other these times are needed. It also works with friends, family members and other people you associate with regularly. It stunts resentments but enforces stronger appreciations for the other.

Balance can be found in every aspect of our lives. It takes balance to walk, to sit, to even be awake. We just need to pay attention to those things in our lives and assess if they are in balance and be willing to make the adjustments. I am working at being willing to work out and exercise more. I am more than willing to eat healthier and snack on sugary sweets less. I am willing to be alone, but spend any possible time with my partner. I am often willing to spend free time with friends as well. I am still making the proper adjustments and some are harder than other, but I would say my balance is getting better. I am no longer falling over! Just wobbling a little here and there.

Peace.

It is only human nature to want to be right....right?

So many issues have come up nationally, and personally where people I know have been "bashed" because of their beliefs. Need we mention the company I work for? (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204251404574342170072865070.html) response at (http://www2.wholefoodsmarket.com/blogs/jmackey/) . How about the Presidential Address to school kids ? What about the Oct 11th march on Washington for Gay Marriage Rights?

I was having a discussion with my friend about some of these things and we were mulling over the cause for all the craziness. I came up with the solution...People are innately opposed to being or feeling wrong. No matter what someones belief system entails, when someone else' has an opposing view or belief, people feel threatened. The do not want to feel wrong because they may believe so strongly in their foundation. If their foundation is questioned or proved to be wrong, people may feel like the world is crashing down and everything they believe in is wrong. I think that is the problem.

I wish everyone were more like me. I like to allow people to believe in what works for them. If it works for you, then awesome. If it is not working for you, then figure something out that will work for you. I love conversations with friends who have different views than I do. We can be in the healthy debate about issues, beliefs, views, etc. and respect the way each other thinks. I like this system because I still like them in the end. I often learn new things from them and can add or subtract from my own belief system. It also can give me something to intelligently think about. Those who know me know I question almost everything. I don't do it to stir the pot or cause problems, but to form my own opinions and views. Most of my college professors loved that. The majority of my high school teachers HATED when I did that. By being that way though, I feel like I am my own person, not a reproduction of others. I admit, I love to be right and try to prove my point, but as I get older and learn more about others, I am more accepting of their views and opinions, but more so if they can respect mine.

I love the phrase "we agree to disagree". That is so powerful when you think about it in this scenario. If we call can just agree that we will not think the same we could solve a lot of the world problems. I am not perfect at that by any means, but I am getting there. I learned that there are some people that you just cannot talk to openly and others that you just don't talk about some subjects. I've also realized that you should not stand by and keep your mouth shut when ignorance is spewing out from someones mouth. Maybe, just in an off chance, your speaking up can shed some light on others, not to think the same way, but to accept others way's of thinking.

I appreciate that I have friends that stand up for their views. I have straight friends marching on Washington to give support to equality. I have others going against the teachings of their religion on the same subject. I have some that became educated about the President's speech and actually watched it. I have customers, even still, asking me about the WSJ editorial piece, and what the big deal is and offering to read it and be more educated rather than listen to friends saying to just boycott Whole Foods. It gives me hope that there are still people out there that are open and intelligent enough to learn and form opinions for themselves. We should stop focusing on our need to be right, but make it a need to be happy with our beliefs and accepting of others, because what is good for me may not work as well for you...and I accept that, and love you anyway.

Scared of Success? or Scared of Humility?

I was sitting yesterday having a review with one of my bosses. She straight out told me that she and the other management team could see that I was much more talented than my job as a cashier. She understood that I was looking for another job and would miss me, but felt that I was not utilizing my talents in my current position.

I really appreciated that. While I do like my job at Whole Foods, and fully appreciate it, it is not me. It is not something I can see myself doing for a long period of time. It is, as she called it, "a stepping stone job"...something to get me by until I found the next best thing.

I views of the next best thing have certainly changed in the past 9 months that I have lived in Austin. I moved here thinking that I was so awesome and that I would find a job easily. I could not. Part of that was due to the economy, part due to my resume. The unfortunate part of my resume is that I have a little experience in a lot of things. I was able to prove my talents when temping at Texas Medical Association. They could see what a catch I was, but I guarantee that they would not have even looked at me based on my resume I had at the time. When I could not get the job with then due to the agency fee they were not willing to pay, I was crushed. Fortunately the VP of Marketing there had the faith in me and my abilities and offered to help me with my resume. While her help gave me an awesome looking resume that showcased my talents better, it still was showing me at "entry-level", something you do not want to be labeled as at age 35. After my separation there, I was encouraged to apply for things there after my agency contract was over (currently will end on November 2nd). I did continue to apply for various positions knowing I would not get them because of the agency fee, but to keep my name in there system and in the minds of the HR department. I still send the occasional email to members of the TMA team with a nice response.

I was thrilled to hear that at Whole Foods Global Offices that the hiring freeze was lifted. I started to looking for jobs immediately. I was sad to find that there was nothing that I was capable of doing or that I had enough experience to do. I still keep searching.

Over the past few months I have been applying for random jobs, even blindly sending my resume to many marketing and advertising firms in hopes they might have something. I received a few responses, mostly saying they had no "entry-level" positions available at the time. There it was again. That label! I finally had to humble myself and realize that I really was entry level. I had to change my search strategy. I had to actually start looking for entry-level. Hell, even at entry level in most places the pay was more than what I was making at WF and the hours would be consistent making that all add up to extra money.

Looking at it now, I was not applying for some jobs thinking I was not qualified for them or that I would not be able to perform. I was not sure what certain positions were so did not apply. I could not figure out exactly what I would be doing with others so never submitted my resume. What I am learning is that job descriptions are not always what they appear to be. They often times are more complicated and complex than the actual job. I have talked to people in some of the positions that I was avoiding, and realized that they really don't do much and their job is not hard, but in the descriptions it was the most complicated thing I have seen. So what is stopping me now from applying? I don't know. Part of me is holding out for a job upstairs at WFM. The other part of me is holding out for a job at TMA. A small part of me is hoping to acquire a job at UT. I figure what comes, comes. I am still up in the air with this one. Part of me wonders if I am holding out for something I want, or if I am afraid to try something new due to fear of succeeding at it. I am not sure where I stand. All I really know is that I have been humbled a hundred times over and am now ready for what is in store. While I realize life is not to be just experienced, but participated in, I also know that life is wonderful when it just happens (with the occasional push from me). I guess we will see. Maybe it is not fear on my part, just stupidity...

My Current Thoughts

Plans Are Over-rated - My Saturday Off

I had 2 "plans" yesterday. Plan #1 was to go have breakfast with a few friends. Plan #2 was to take said friends to look at a few apartments for opinions on our upcoming relocation. Anything else was playing it by ear. So here is what actually happened.

6:38am I wake up, shower brush teeth
7:02am Check email, take pills, Facebook update
7:05am Text Phil. He is usually up early. We can start planning breakfast locations
7:07am Still no response from Phil
7:59am Text Phil again. Getting hungry, figure time to call Cat. She should be up.
8:03am Call Phil. Conference with Cat to decide on place for breakfast.
8:44am Leave house to meet at Galaxy Cafe on West Lynn.
8:57am Arrive at Galaxy Cafe.8:58am Phil arrives
9:01am Cat arrives
9:06am I place my order for the Big Breakfast (it has the home fried potatoes with it...yumm!) and my coffee.
9:08am Preparing my coffee while a bitch in a pink polo with a very bad haircut pushes her way in to fill her coffee cup up. "What, really? Can you just wait a minute while I stir my shit?" I think. Her bitchy look makes me think of other names for her other than bitch. Later find out the drives a Subaru and is not as special as she thinks she is. Oh, and the people she was with, well, none of them went with her...bitter old single bitch, now wonder.
10:06am Finish chatting, drinking our coffees. Time to drop Phil's car at Cat's house and off the the apartments.
10:21am Arrive at Oak Run Apartments. Leasing office in a really cute old house. The complex is HUGE and offers apartments, duplexes, and townhomes. Crazy. Older, a bit old and not so great for the price. The size of the one checked out was great, but not super impressed, even at the discounted rate.
11 am Arrive to next apartment complex. Cute, but can see the model because the agent cannot seem to find the key to it. Oh well. Not really worth the time spent.
11:24am Arrive to Sundance Apartments. These are the ones we like and are a great price to save money so we can play more and save for a house too. I want to show Cat to get her opinion and to also do a little space planning. Julie in the office I work with at Whole Foods too. All roads keep pointing back to this place. I decide I want to paint, regardless of it having to be painted back.
12:03am Leave Sundance and just go to check out some woody looking apartments on S 1st St. Show up to find that the office is closed on weekends. Look around at the places and notice I would prefer the others anyhow. No need to return.
12:09am Driving across to S Congress and checking out neighborhoods along the way.
12:15am Arrive at Ruta Maya coffee shop. Inside a yoga class is going on while we order coffee. To not seem weird, we go out to the front patio to enjoy our beverages. Located on the patio are two very loud men speaking politics, a sort of crazy looking girl sitting alone but joining in with the political conversation, a sort of cute guy in a very bright orange shirt on his laptop, Phil, Cat, and I. Enter a guy in the worst outfit I have ever seen. So bad I have the picture to prove it. Cut-off brown slacks, a shirt that is too short for a tall guy with massive rips in it AND paint all over it, and black tennis shoes. You could not even claim to have rolled out of bed and just threw this on....really. Then after about 15 min the badly dressed guy and the political banter guys leave, but not before one of the political banterers give the crazy girl a peacock feather from his car. "Odd" I think to myself, but it was entertaining. Que the cute coffee bar working starting to carry in supplies from his car. Yay for eye candy! Then as we all are talking to look around only to see scary girl staring at me. She smiled queerly and went back to reading her book. Walter should be done around 1pm, and I want to hit Home Depot for some bug killer. Time to take our finished drink cups to the wash tub and head off.
1:04pm Arrive at Home Depot. Locate bug killer. Walter still not called so we start browsing. We really need a new rug for the living room. Some cool rugs. Then I find some carpet remnants. There are some cool ones that will work as a rug until we move. Cheap too. Less than $20! I pick one out just as Walter calls. "Do you think?" I ask him after telling him of my find. So I buy it. It is burber and showing in the pic here. Not bad. Off to Guerro's for lunch.
1:22pm Looking at Guerro's, there is a huge wait. "Shit, it is a big UT game today. Of course it is busy." We find Walter in the parking structure and head off to another place, one not so busy. We are all hungry by now. We find El Mercado on S. 1st St and there are not many cars. "Perfect". We are immediately sat. Lunch at last. I had to try the shrimp and cheese stuffed bacon wrapped peppers appetizer, and so glad I did! Yumm! I also got a brisket taco and cheese enchilada. It was all good.
2:54pm Time to take Walter back to his car, Phil back to his and Cat and I would meet Walter back at home. Phil had a work meeting to go to.
3:45pm Arrive home. Time to relax a bit and decide what to do next. We watch a little TV. Cat makes some coffee. I look at potential movies to go see (with no success). Walter is upstairs making Cat some CDs.
4:37pm Mom calls. Needs ideas what to do about her carpet dilemma.
5:02pm We sit and talk about what to do next. I assure that we will figure something out.
5:28pm Renee calls. Something to do is happening. Jon's car broke down, ironically, outside of Sears Auto. They need a ride. I say "Of course" and quickly vacuum the dog hair from the back seat.
5:57pm We all arrive at Sears/Barton Creek Mall. Jon looks pissed. Renee is smiling. We are the rescue team. We wait a few minutes for the tow truck to come. Dinner ideas are figured. The rest of the day is happening. Yay! I knew something would come up!
6:08pm Tow truck arrives.
6:21pm We leave to go to Cover 3 for some dinner.
6:32pm Arrive at Cover 3. 2 1/2 HOUR WAIT? Oh, yeah, the UT game again! Call Phil to alert of new plan. The Domain...Daily Grill.
6:55pm Find Phil and head to finally eat. To our surprise, it is Restaurant Week in Austin. Our option...$25 three course meal and a $10 3 glasses of wine sampler. FABULOUS! I thank Jon for his car breaking down. He was not drinking enough yet to find it too funny. Course 1, Blackened Shrimp Cocktail. I did a white Spanish Albarino with my starter. It was great. Course 2, Parmesan Crusted Halibut with grilled vegetables drizzled with a balsamic glaze. I did a Pinot Grigio, Maso Canali, from Italy with it. Again, fantastic. We all sampled each others dishes as well and they are all fantastic. Course 3, “Daily Grill” Fudge Brownie Pie their signature brownie, topped with vanilla ice cream, warm caramel and chocolate sauce and candied pecans. I paired this with a Washington Riesling. Talking, eating, enjoying. It was a night. We left the restaurant at around 10:30pm then walked around the Domain looking into shops and still chatting it up.
11:21pm Got into the cars to head home. Stop #1, Jon and Renee's place. Stop #2, Cat's house. Stop #3, home. We were however diverted from Riverside up to Oltorf because, well, who knows. The cops had it blocked off at the student apartments. Who knows what the crazy kids did on a game day. But it took about 20 minutes longer to get home.
12:21pm Walk in the door grateful for such a wonderful day off. Food, friends and fun. Gotta love living life!

Are you sure I am not European?

So I am noticing that I have very little problem carrying a conversation with people from other countries. We chat in my line at work and have a grand ol' time. I talk with foreign friends and can carry a delightful dialog with them, but with my American counterparts, I often find nothing to talk about with them.

What is it that gives me so much in common with our foreign friends that allows me these wonderful experiences? Why is it I have a hard time talking with people of my own national background? I am confused...

I sort of figure that I have very different world views and more open minded about things, but that should not hinder my socializing with them. I don't know sports, and not really up on politics that much, I don't really care about pop culture, and don't need to know who Brittany Spears is dating. Maybe that is the difference. I like to experience life through food, music, social interactions, not from watching it on TV or reading about it in a tabloid.

I am glad however that I have friends that I do enjoy. Often I wonder what makes us friends since sometimes we have very little in common, but then I get together with them and have such a great time and experience I don't question the luck of our relationship. I do swear however that I must be European! Maybe not in this life, but in one previously!

Theory On Angry People

So I was thinking today, because I had some extra time while bored at work, and I was wondering about people and their anger and the causes they chose to be angry about. I was reflecting on times when you see the ugly girl being rude and mean to the pretty waitress, the doltish student beating up the honors student, the outcast joining a terrorist group. There is something in common with all of them. They each have some insecurity that causes them to be angry and unleash their anger in a variety of ways.

Is it because they cannot find peace in themselves to stop the anger, or find that balance that says, "it is OK that they don't look like the models in the magazines", or "it is OK they their talents lye in fixing an engine rather than in physics". Is it shame and lack of self acceptance that causes the anger level to rise in the most unimportant situations?

Being a bit on the hefty side a lot of my life, then being athletic, then large, then thin, then fat, now heading back to the athletic side again, I understand how it feels to not be the right size, accepted all the time, to be different, to have my mom buy "HUSKY" jeans when I was a kid. I know what it is like to feel like an outsider (Try moving to St. George, UT in High School from So. California and most people thinking you are stuck up and a "rebel"). I understand, but maybe it is just my personality to go through it, learn a little something and move on. I can't ever say I have been truly angry to the point I had to hurt others by: protesting against their rights (think Civil Rights movement, Gay Marriage, the Fallwell cult), picketing places of business because of their stance on issues, boycott churches, businesses, institutions, TV stations or anything else because I don't believe in what they believe in.

I do however believe in forming your own opinions, but NEVER telling someone their "opinion" is wrong. If there is fact that can be proven and someone states it wrong, well then that is something else, but opinion and beliefs are totally different than fact.

I think that there would be a lot less angry people if they just were more self accepting and in turn be accepting of others and just let silly things roll off their backs. Live and let live, I believe is the saying, and how simple it is, but how hard is it to do for most.

That's just what I think about it though.

My Fat Pants Fit

Ok, so I have not been eating the best in the past week before the trip, but, I did not gain or lose weight. I did however gain weight while on my 4 day whirlwind tour of Jacksonville, Florida. 6.8 pounds to be exact.

I freaked out! I understand that I was sitting for about 32 hours in a car during this 4 day period. I also know that I was sleeping in a bed for 16 hours, traveling while there sitting for about 2.5 hours, dining (and sitting) for about 7 hours, watching TV and playing games (sitting more) for about 10 hours. In a 92 hour period, that leaves about 24.5 hours of activity. That is only about 6 hours a day that I was actually moving. Not necessarily walking, jogging, etc, just not sitting or being stagnant. That is scary. I do more on a normal day at work! Well, I was freaked out enough and decided to list everything that I ate and that was not being burnt off. I have to say, we did pretty well in our choices. There were some bad decisions of food, and I did have one morning while on the road with fast food (just a breakfast sandwich though). Here is my journal of what all I ate on the trip and the morning the preceded it, and the afternoon/evening that followed it. I typed in red the really bad choices...

Florida Trip August 28- September 1^st.

@Work Fri

2 piece chicken thigh, German potatoes, 1 potato dumpling, red cabbage, water.

Before drive 2 piece chicken thigh, German potatoes, 2 potato dumpling, and water.

Drive to FL

150 oz cold brew coffee w/ agave nectar & hazelnut milk, 1 Rockstar energy drink, 1 pear, 3 Larabars, cheese puffs, peanuts, water.

w/Sherry

Omelet with cheese, sausage, onion peppers, wheat toast, water.

FL Day 1

2 piece fried gator tail, ¾ crab cake w/ ranch, 16oz rib eye steak, garlic mashed potatoes, Caesar salad, water.

Slice banana cream pie.

FL Day 2

scrambled eggs, fried potatoes w/ yellow peppers and onion and turkey sausage, coffee.

Fried pork chunks (Cuban), Cuban rice & black beans, Cuban bread (5 slices), fried plantain, water.

1 scoop coffee bean ice cream + 3 bites of other flavors.

Veggie platter – carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, AND BAD FOR ME CHEMICALLY FILLED VEGGIE DIP (i.e. “Ranch”).

Grilled steak with sweet potato.

¼ banana cream pie.

3 glasses sangria. (but oh it was good)

FL Day 3

Omelet w/potatoes and sausage, hash browns, coffee w/sugar.

Chicken leg and thigh, roast beef hash, cauliflower au gratin, mushroom penne alfredo, Cuban coffee latte.

Buca anti pasto salad, bread (7-8 sm slices), pasta Romano (penne w/ artichoke, chicken, broccoli and a white wine sauce), chicken alfredo pasta, water.

Drive Home

2 Larabars, 2 blue sky energy drinks, sausage croissant from BK, peanuts, OJ fresh squeezed, sausage kolachi, 1 fruit kolachi, 1 cheese kolachi

@Home

spicy lentils with corn chips, 4 rice crackers, tater tots (way too many) & fry sauce, water

KFC bbq wings (5), KFC 2 wings, 2 thighs (half grilled half extra crispy), mashed potatoes and gravy, 2 biscuits, potato wedges, water

Eating like this made my stomach measurement go up 1 ½ inchs and my weight go up 6.8lbs! IN 4 DAYS!

Anyhow, back on the detox. I will be doing it in line with my friend Phil who is starting it in a few days. I am sure I will feel much better doing it again and will seriously to to stick tighter to it following. I will keep you updated!

Life as an Adventure

Today while at work I had two fairly random yet similar things happen. While talking to a co-worker she looked a little down. I asked if she was ok and she said she was having a bum day. I told her we all have those from time to time. She asked if I ever did because I am always happy. I told her I sure as hell did, but she just was never around to see them, but in general I am happy. Later on I was talking to a woman while bagging her groceries. I asked how she was. She said good. She in turn asked how I was and I said I was "fantastic". She stopped and looked at me and said she was stunned by my response; it was the best she had heard in a long time. I told her you have gotta make life fantastic everyday!

It got me to thinking. Do I make life fantastic every day? The answer is no. Why not!? I guess sometimes I am too lazy. Today was mostly great even though a few thing went wrong. I still got errands done, sat for a bit in a coffee shop, went to work, grocery shopped and made a great dinner and spent a few hours with Walter before he went to bed. Why do I not do this every day? Days like these make me happy. I enjoy them. I do not enjoy doing nothing all day and being couped up in the house.

The real question is am I going to change it. I took the first step in living a better life...moving. Now we live in a fabulous city that has more options I am interested in and it is a great start. The next step is simple yet hard sometimes....leaving the house to take advantage of those options. Just because I work does not mean I cannot get out earlier and go to the coffee shop, or on days I close go to the springs to enjoy the outdoors and water. I can go running or walking by the lake after work in the evenings. I don't have to watch TV, or do laundry if I don't want to. I can do that another time when I am bound to being home (you know like when I want to cook or something). This life is an adventure, the only problem is, you have to take the initiative to make it one. I don't want to be the person that is given the opportunity and I just stay in the car and look. Get me out and let me run around! Stop the car and lets explore!

I have to admit I am getting better and often trying, but some days I am not fantastic and it is harder to want to be out and about. I am lucky that I have a good life and awesome people who sometimes push me to take the adventure although I often think I am more the one pushing them into it!

Let's make the most of it. We only live once!
So eat monk fish.
Run a marathon (although you will never see me want to do that I don't think, but I will never say never).
Skinny dip at the lake/beach.
Fall in love.
Make each day AWESOME and unforgettable!
Stop judging others by their outside appearances but understand them for who they are, regardless of if you agree or not.
Listen to a different genre of music outside your comfort zone, not to enjoy it, but to understand it.
Take a walk in the rain WITHOUT an umbrella or raincoat.
Smile at people. You'll be surprised at how many people will genuinely smile back.
Fail at things. It is the only way to find out how to succeed and to be humble when you do have success.
Do what you are good at. Stop focusing on being better at things you are not naturally good at. Excel at those things that come to you naturally and let others excel in their areas of strength. Those are the strongest teams.
Eat cake. Who cares about the carbs or calories. Just eat it in moderation to enjoy and experience the flavors.
Walk around outside and open your senses. Hear the sounds. Smell the scents. See the beauty. If you lack one of those senses, then compensate and imagine it. If you have all those senses, be grateful.
Say "Thank you" and be sincere about it. Do it to the waiter who fills your water glass, the shop girl as you leave the shop, your sweetheart when they bring you an evening snack.

Nothing was a better read when I was a kid than the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series. Life IS a choose your own adventure. Make it the most exciting. Help others have the best they can too. It becomes a Win Win.

Exchange of Intelligence

Nothing excites me more than a nice evening of dinner and conversation. I love being around people who can kick around feelings and ideas. I find myself more edified when I hear how others think and believe and find it often enforces my own beliefs and also causes me to think more and form new views and opinions which will turn into new beliefs.

Tonight was such a night and we had a glorious debate over things such as religion, marriage, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, science, evolution and seasonings. It was stimulating and enjoyable and such a great exchange amongst friends. I love to surround myself with people who not only share their ideas, but are open to new ones. I personally am not overly passionate about any one subject, but find myself open to new ideas and perspectives in many areas. I love to remain open to not judge or nay-say anything, but to question, post new ideas, and cause others to think differently. I am not one to force my ideas but to exchange them so that all are enlightened and can improve on each others views.

I think if we all stopped trying to prove who is right and who is wrong and just listen to each other and take out thinks we can add to our own beliefs that the world would be a better place. We would fight less and improve our minds more. I hope we can all have a delightful exchange of intelligence and accept that others have different views and love that as human beings we have the right to think and believe differently.

The Tartan of My Life is Beautiful and Colorful

It is amazing to me how life truly is like a piece of fabric to where each experience, choice, decision, activity, job, or whatever it may be is woven into it and creates a beautiful design. I really am blessed that my life is making a beautiful tartan of my existence.

I was talking to people at work today and recounting portions of my past and still am amazed at all I have accomplished in my lifetime so far. It is not full of grandiose accomplishments, but of small experiences with the occasional accomplishment added in. I am proud of all that I have done and, while some would find certain things I have done in my lifetime shameful, significant, wonderful, or dull, I find that those things are what made the most beautiful designs in making me what I am today.

Some say that pride is a bad thing. If that is so, then I am full of bad things! I am so proud of who I am, what I do, what I have learned from good and bad experiences. I am proud of the way I treat people, the truth I live my life by and the honesty I speak when I speak from my heart. I am a passionate person. I cry. I love and I am loved. I am ever-changing. I am not one thing but many things. I care, but am selective about what and who I care about. I am strong and adventurous. I am weak and teachable. I love to learn, but not always from books or experts, but from life and the people who live it. I am well traveled. I know what I know because I want to know it. I am loyal. I am a friend, in every sense of the word, even though at times I can be self centered, I am there when needed. I am colorful.

Today I did look back at a bit of the tartan of my life and what I saw was beautiful and colorful, warming and comforting, exciting and bold. I cannot wait for more to be woven into it!

Less is More in your Wallet

So why is it that our culture thinks that we want the biggest portions for the buck at restaurants? I know everyone wants a good deal, but really, look what it is doing to us! Bigger is making us HUGE! Most of the time I cannot even finish my meal, yet, time and time again, I order the thing that give me the biggest bang for my buck. Do I do that because they offer it? or because I want the left overs? I don't know, but what I do know is that I really wish I could go to a restaurant and get a proper sized portion meal for a decent price. I want something that I will probably not throw out or have to take home for an equitable price.

Half portions are seriously awesome, but often times not half the price, but rather $2-$3 less. So I am getting half as much for 1/5th less price? That just does not add up to me. I would rather pay full price for a full order and have lunch for the next day! That makes financial sense! I say, especially with the economy they way it is, that restaurants cut the portions, cut the price and have more frequent visits from customers because they can afford to come more often because each trip is not such a financial burden.

Now think of this, if people are not so stuffed, they will start to order desserts, after dinner coffees, and even more appetizers. I know that when I go out we often skip the appetizers because A. they are really pricey and B. because after eating that we are too full for our meal! Less is more! Let me spell it out a little:

Dining Currently at and Average Chain Restaurant:
Appetizer.......6.99
Entree...........10.99 x2
Dessert.........4.99 x2
Drinks..........1.99 x2
________________
Total Ideal Dinner $42.93 + tip and tax
minus out the desserts (because you are too full) $32.98 +tip and tax
Now you are debating the appetizer because you know the meal is big $25.96 +tip and tax

Imagine Smaller Portions and Prices:
Appetizer......$4.99
Entree..........$6.99 x2
Dessert.........$2.99 x2
Drinks..........$1.99 x2
_________________
Total Smaller Portion Meal $28.93 +tip and tax

You are spending less on food costs because you are serving less, but people can now afford to eat each course and not at the risk of becoming overly full and fat! and your average bill is up $3!

Anyhow, that is what I think. I am sure they have paid smarter people to figure out their side, but from the side of a diner who grew up to eat everything on his plate and lacks the control to not and has become a bit chubby because of it (not totally, but highly contributed by), I say smaller portions, smaller price. Chant it with me! Smaller Portions! Smaller Price! Smaller Portions! Smaller Price! Smaller Portions! Smaller Price! Smaller Portions! Smaller Price!

So Glad I am as open as I am

There have been a few crazy things happening the past little bit that make me so glad for a few things. #1 That I did not hide I was gay and decided to live a life of truth. #2 That I am not anally churchy. #3 That I have friends who love me regardless, better than some of my own family members.

Story #1. So apparently my oldest brother's family came through and stayed for a little at my mom's house. Mind you, I have not seen these people in YEARS, I would reckon about 7 years. I have never even seen one of his children except by a picture my mom has hanging in her office. So I guess while they were hanging out with my oldest sisters kids and my little brother they were making derogatory slurs about their uncle Stephen...me! I was shocked when I heard this and highly offended. I know my brother well enough that I am sure he is not going out of his way to talk about me to his kids or teach them rude things to say about a family member, but my cunt bitch pious skank of a sister in law would. This is also a woman who my best childhood friend saw at church one day and asked for my contact info from and she refused to give it to him because he "didn't want to contact (me) anyhow because (I am) gay." Seriously? I cannot wait for her to burn in hell like she deserves. Thank god that my nieces, who know me and hang out with me and Walter, come to my defense. They stuck up for gay people in genral not understanding the "problem" that my brother's kids felt. They stuck up for me and Walter as did my little brother. Why the hell are people who claim to be so "righteous" so evil? I guess my feelings about "those who preach the loudest end up being the worst" rings true, even with "family". That is ok, because somehow, in the unwritten gay laws, being a gay man, affords me to choose my "family" and disregard those I don't need in my life. I have 2 siblings I love to death and a mother I would do anything for not to mention neices I adore. In addition to that I have so many beautiful friends that span across the country and Europe. What is getting rid of a little trash out of my life gonna hurt.

Story#2 So I am on Facebook the other day and saw a friend from high school make a post about 'fuck" being in the James Blunt song "You're Beautiful". I was intrigued so started reading the posts which included: "I need to delete it off my playlist then" "I don't know why they ruin songs with that stuff" "I think people's IQs are small if they can't think of another word to use than that". My personal though was "FUCKIN' REALLY?" Fuck envokes a feeling that another word cannot conjure up. It expresses a feeling that does not get defined in any other way. It also gets a reaction, like they were giving, that people like to get. One intelligent response was "I thought it was considered poetic now". I was so impressed. I had to add my 2 cents to it and show my shock that they were offended that the "f" word was used and not at the drug reference in the same sentence. One response was that they thought "flying high" was they were so in love with the beauty. REALLY? HOW FUCKING LAME ARE YOU TO NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND A DRUG REFERENCE! Oh, mind you, that response was from a single 35 year old Mormon girl. I guess consider the source. Needless to say, while having coffee last night with friends I decided to share this posting with them which not only started a nice laughter, but a conversation on how lame people really are over the most unimportant things. This made me glad not only that I was gay and did not try to fit into this Mormon mold, but that I am open minded enough to accept people who don't fit into any certain molds. I may judge people to a certain point, but more because they are close minded than for being indiviuals.

Those are my stories and I am sticking to them!