So another week and more soul searching. I am sure it stemmed from the 5 days off I had in a row. They were boring and I had mostly chores and made up chores to do. So there I was soul searching again. I now wonder, how many times in one's life does one redefine him/herself? I have done this about 6 times in the past 6 months. I still have not figure it out, but I think I am coming close to it. Is it an individual thing? Are some of us just more confused than the rest? OR, are some of us just not willing settle like the rest? I like to think I am the latter, with a little bit of the first.
I admit I am 35 years old and totally confused what I want out of life. Happiness mixed with poverty? Wealth mixed with stress? Anger mixed with just getting by? Can't I just have all in one? A little balance of each (minus the poverty of course). I want to get by, but still have the comfort of extra (some wealth). I want to have a good job that I like, but with a pay that will allow me to have the fun I want to in my free time. Does anything like this exist? Am I just to scared to find it? Do I just not know how to find it? Or do I just happen to be so unsure of myself that I don't attempt to find it? It could be any of those or all. Again, that is what I am trying to find out. I am sure I will figure it out soon. I hope to at least. I just don't want life to pass me by while I am figuring it out.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Self-Realization
These past few weeks have stirred up a lot of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and a lot of truths about myself. All these things stirred up by work, Facebook, and conversations with friends, new and old. Well, let start at the beginning; the move.
My whole purpose of the move was not to just get out of Las Vegas, but it was to find myself again. Somewhere throughout the years I had lost who I was. Not completely, but I became so covered up by life, that those spontaneous, adventurous, and risk taking instincts got pushed back. I had become complacent with where I was in life and all around, that my fun loving self became serious and often bitchy. Responsibility has its place, but it was stopping me from progessing forward and taking risks in my life. Part of it could be that if I failed, it not just affected me, but my partner. I did not want to have that. I needed to succeed even if it meant me doing something I did not want to, which in turn would make me unhappy.
Moving to Austin started a new life. I still had a lot of self searching to do. I did not really know where to begin since I did not realize what I had lost, or rather, misplaced. All I did know was that something was missing in me. It has been three months and 11 days since we moved here and I am starting to figure it out. This realization has oddly enough stemmed from the most unlikely places.
My temp job what just supposed to be that, a temp job. The VP of advertising probibly does not even realize how she helped me by taking an interest in me and seeing all the skills she saw in me and pointing them out. She is the one who gave me the strengths tests and helped me realize how many unique and rare strengths I have. This in turn made me recognize that these things I just brushed off as qwirks and "something everyone does" were not normal and that I need to focus more on them. By focusing on my skills I can do anything and succeed in anything I wanted to do. Better to be completely awesome in those things you have natural talent for than to be ok in all areas. Thanks to her, I got my heart back and my mind back in line.
Another influence to my rediscovery is, oddly enough, Facebook. It was when I started to connect with friend from years past that I started remembering/reminicing on days of yor. I started to remember my past follies and remember how carefree I was, how happy I was, how stress free I was. I miss that. There must be a good balance to have that freedom and still take care of your responsibilities. I will find that balance again. I can grow older, but what makes growing up so serious and dull. I don't want to be dull!
The realization of these things sparked a conversation between me and my best friend Albert. When sharing what I was figuring out, he added his glorious 2 cents on my skills and boosted my ego to ultimate proportions. I thought to myself, "Do my friends really look at me that way? Do they see these things that I just don't even realize I do?" and apparently they do. I love my friends at all costs. Sometimes I just don't know what they think of me. Often I feel like I don't care, but when one shares nice things about me to me I melt into humility and realize there is more to me than what I see. Other's opinions do count, good and bad, because people see you how you really are, you see yourself how you'd like to be perceived.
This conversation then caused me to think even more. The more I thought the more I could not figure out anything. On my last day at my temp job I remembered an old friend on Facebook asking if I kept in touch with a certain old friend. Unfortuantely, my being gay was an issue for this friend and we have not kept in touch since. I decided to google him and see what he was up to since no one really had a clue what he has been doing the past 10 years. In my search and through his own word on the web I found out he quit a job where he was over worked, focused his life and started using his talents to get what he wanted. He was successful and I was jealous. I was terribly happy for him, but jealous in the fact that I had somehow lost the nerve to go get what I wanted. I lost the balls to go learn how to do the things I needed to learn to fulfill my dreams and desires. He had that. As my friend he often brought that out in me. I needed to grab life by the horns and just do it. I have the talent. I have the desire. Now I have to work on the focus and extrovertedness to learn and network what I need to, to get what I want. There is no fear, only future. I am realizing that again now. Expect change!
My whole purpose of the move was not to just get out of Las Vegas, but it was to find myself again. Somewhere throughout the years I had lost who I was. Not completely, but I became so covered up by life, that those spontaneous, adventurous, and risk taking instincts got pushed back. I had become complacent with where I was in life and all around, that my fun loving self became serious and often bitchy. Responsibility has its place, but it was stopping me from progessing forward and taking risks in my life. Part of it could be that if I failed, it not just affected me, but my partner. I did not want to have that. I needed to succeed even if it meant me doing something I did not want to, which in turn would make me unhappy.
Moving to Austin started a new life. I still had a lot of self searching to do. I did not really know where to begin since I did not realize what I had lost, or rather, misplaced. All I did know was that something was missing in me. It has been three months and 11 days since we moved here and I am starting to figure it out. This realization has oddly enough stemmed from the most unlikely places.
My temp job what just supposed to be that, a temp job. The VP of advertising probibly does not even realize how she helped me by taking an interest in me and seeing all the skills she saw in me and pointing them out. She is the one who gave me the strengths tests and helped me realize how many unique and rare strengths I have. This in turn made me recognize that these things I just brushed off as qwirks and "something everyone does" were not normal and that I need to focus more on them. By focusing on my skills I can do anything and succeed in anything I wanted to do. Better to be completely awesome in those things you have natural talent for than to be ok in all areas. Thanks to her, I got my heart back and my mind back in line.
Another influence to my rediscovery is, oddly enough, Facebook. It was when I started to connect with friend from years past that I started remembering/reminicing on days of yor. I started to remember my past follies and remember how carefree I was, how happy I was, how stress free I was. I miss that. There must be a good balance to have that freedom and still take care of your responsibilities. I will find that balance again. I can grow older, but what makes growing up so serious and dull. I don't want to be dull!
The realization of these things sparked a conversation between me and my best friend Albert. When sharing what I was figuring out, he added his glorious 2 cents on my skills and boosted my ego to ultimate proportions. I thought to myself, "Do my friends really look at me that way? Do they see these things that I just don't even realize I do?" and apparently they do. I love my friends at all costs. Sometimes I just don't know what they think of me. Often I feel like I don't care, but when one shares nice things about me to me I melt into humility and realize there is more to me than what I see. Other's opinions do count, good and bad, because people see you how you really are, you see yourself how you'd like to be perceived.
This conversation then caused me to think even more. The more I thought the more I could not figure out anything. On my last day at my temp job I remembered an old friend on Facebook asking if I kept in touch with a certain old friend. Unfortuantely, my being gay was an issue for this friend and we have not kept in touch since. I decided to google him and see what he was up to since no one really had a clue what he has been doing the past 10 years. In my search and through his own word on the web I found out he quit a job where he was over worked, focused his life and started using his talents to get what he wanted. He was successful and I was jealous. I was terribly happy for him, but jealous in the fact that I had somehow lost the nerve to go get what I wanted. I lost the balls to go learn how to do the things I needed to learn to fulfill my dreams and desires. He had that. As my friend he often brought that out in me. I needed to grab life by the horns and just do it. I have the talent. I have the desire. Now I have to work on the focus and extrovertedness to learn and network what I need to, to get what I want. There is no fear, only future. I am realizing that again now. Expect change!
Texas Drivers..OMG!
Ok, so I swear it does happen every day here, but yesterday it was every moment. Texas drivers suck! I thought they were bad in Vegas...oh, they are, but in Texas they are perdy damn bad too! The easiest way to explain this is to list what they do.
1. Ride the line - I don't know if they are drunk and trying to make it home, or just are too stupid to center their cars in the lane, but they always fucking ride the line! This in turn causes me to scream and yell at them in my car to move into their own fucking lane.
2. Change Lanes/cut you off with no blinker.
3. Change lanes (thank god because they were going slow and you were behind them) but never actually change, they just center their car over the lane line for about 1000 feet riding both lanes before they get all the way the fuck over!
4. Can't stay in their lane on a curve in the road. They always tend to cut into mine almost hitting me.
5. Don't understand the concept of freeway fast lanes.
6. Have not figured out that texting and driving are not compatible for inept people no matter how much they think they can do it.
Well, that was all on the top of my mind since each one happened to me multiple times yesterday. I know there are more. Who knows, if they piss me off as much as they did yesterday, then you may get another blog about this.
1. Ride the line - I don't know if they are drunk and trying to make it home, or just are too stupid to center their cars in the lane, but they always fucking ride the line! This in turn causes me to scream and yell at them in my car to move into their own fucking lane.
2. Change Lanes/cut you off with no blinker.
3. Change lanes (thank god because they were going slow and you were behind them) but never actually change, they just center their car over the lane line for about 1000 feet riding both lanes before they get all the way the fuck over!
4. Can't stay in their lane on a curve in the road. They always tend to cut into mine almost hitting me.
5. Don't understand the concept of freeway fast lanes.
6. Have not figured out that texting and driving are not compatible for inept people no matter how much they think they can do it.
Well, that was all on the top of my mind since each one happened to me multiple times yesterday. I know there are more. Who knows, if they piss me off as much as they did yesterday, then you may get another blog about this.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Allergies, Muscle Pain, and Jobless?
Seriously, all in one day it hit. I have allergies so bad right now it is killing me. The irony of it is that the OAK allergens are our right now. Don't find that ironic? Well, I grew up in Thousand Oaks, CA, where, you guessed it, there are thousands of oak trees. I never had allergies there, but in freaking Texas my eyes feel like a bee stung them and they are swollen (feel, not look like). I am nasal spraying twice daily (I know some of you recommending me the Netti pot, but read down to the jobless part, I at least have nasal spray at the moment).
As for the muscle pain, wow, who knew. I did not think I was over working myself at the gym. I know it has been a long time since I have gone and even longer since I have bench pressed anything, but 90 pounds....really? Not like I even did burn outs or anything. Just 3 sets of 15 reps. That was it. Did not feel it that night. Did not feel it the next day, but boy after work it kicked in. It kicked in so bad even a heating pad did not help. I found the icy hot and it helped a bit when I went to bed, but even then I was in pain to move even a little. Listen, I toss and turn all night normally, last night it was a slow move together with and "oww" that kept me and probably Walter awake all night. Finally by 4:30am, after a few hours of broken sleep I just got up and suffered the rest of the morning awake. I finally took some ibuprofen (something I should have done hours earlier) and am making it through the day a bit easier (to strange thoughts of wanting to go back to the gym after work today...and I fricking crazy?). Almost time to pop some more ibuprofen so it can be settled in before I go back.
Oh yeah, I did mention amongst all this that as of Thursday at 5pm I will be jobless too. My temp job is ending 3 weeks early. Lucky me. I am still waiting to hear from Whole Foods about my part time job. I talked to them today and they are still working on the background check, but I was still on her mind. Due to this, it is time to really cut back. Goodbye cable, goodbye DVR, goodbye house phone, goodbye steaks. I am now thinking how to reconfigure the house to get my computer into the downstairs so I can run TV and DVR off of that (since it is equipped). Anyhow, wow, only Tuesday. Wonder what the rest of the week will bring...
As for the muscle pain, wow, who knew. I did not think I was over working myself at the gym. I know it has been a long time since I have gone and even longer since I have bench pressed anything, but 90 pounds....really? Not like I even did burn outs or anything. Just 3 sets of 15 reps. That was it. Did not feel it that night. Did not feel it the next day, but boy after work it kicked in. It kicked in so bad even a heating pad did not help. I found the icy hot and it helped a bit when I went to bed, but even then I was in pain to move even a little. Listen, I toss and turn all night normally, last night it was a slow move together with and "oww" that kept me and probably Walter awake all night. Finally by 4:30am, after a few hours of broken sleep I just got up and suffered the rest of the morning awake. I finally took some ibuprofen (something I should have done hours earlier) and am making it through the day a bit easier (to strange thoughts of wanting to go back to the gym after work today...and I fricking crazy?). Almost time to pop some more ibuprofen so it can be settled in before I go back.
Oh yeah, I did mention amongst all this that as of Thursday at 5pm I will be jobless too. My temp job is ending 3 weeks early. Lucky me. I am still waiting to hear from Whole Foods about my part time job. I talked to them today and they are still working on the background check, but I was still on her mind. Due to this, it is time to really cut back. Goodbye cable, goodbye DVR, goodbye house phone, goodbye steaks. I am now thinking how to reconfigure the house to get my computer into the downstairs so I can run TV and DVR off of that (since it is equipped). Anyhow, wow, only Tuesday. Wonder what the rest of the week will bring...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Not For Prude Eyes
Ok, so I was surfing the net today while updating my art website and came across this website. I think the artistic value is amazing and the idea completely brilliant. I just wanted to share this, as an artist, as something that I found so interesting. As the title of my blog warns, it is not for prude eyes. THERE IS NUDITY! but it is not vulgar or gratuitous, but purely artistic. The site is German and called NAKED PEOPLE. Check it out. Please give me your comments and tell me if you found it as brillant as I do.
http://www.naked-people.de/index.php/index.html
http://www.naked-people.de/index.php/index.html
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