Self-Realization

These past few weeks have stirred up a lot of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and a lot of truths about myself. All these things stirred up by work, Facebook, and conversations with friends, new and old. Well, let start at the beginning; the move.

My whole purpose of the move was not to just get out of Las Vegas, but it was to find myself again. Somewhere throughout the years I had lost who I was. Not completely, but I became so covered up by life, that those spontaneous, adventurous, and risk taking instincts got pushed back. I had become complacent with where I was in life and all around, that my fun loving self became serious and often bitchy. Responsibility has its place, but it was stopping me from progessing forward and taking risks in my life. Part of it could be that if I failed, it not just affected me, but my partner. I did not want to have that. I needed to succeed even if it meant me doing something I did not want to, which in turn would make me unhappy.

Moving to Austin started a new life. I still had a lot of self searching to do. I did not really know where to begin since I did not realize what I had lost, or rather, misplaced. All I did know was that something was missing in me. It has been three months and 11 days since we moved here and I am starting to figure it out. This realization has oddly enough stemmed from the most unlikely places.

My temp job what just supposed to be that, a temp job. The VP of advertising probibly does not even realize how she helped me by taking an interest in me and seeing all the skills she saw in me and pointing them out. She is the one who gave me the strengths tests and helped me realize how many unique and rare strengths I have. This in turn made me recognize that these things I just brushed off as qwirks and "something everyone does" were not normal and that I need to focus more on them. By focusing on my skills I can do anything and succeed in anything I wanted to do. Better to be completely awesome in those things you have natural talent for than to be ok in all areas. Thanks to her, I got my heart back and my mind back in line.

Another influence to my rediscovery is, oddly enough, Facebook. It was when I started to connect with friend from years past that I started remembering/reminicing on days of yor. I started to remember my past follies and remember how carefree I was, how happy I was, how stress free I was. I miss that. There must be a good balance to have that freedom and still take care of your responsibilities. I will find that balance again. I can grow older, but what makes growing up so serious and dull. I don't want to be dull!

The realization of these things sparked a conversation between me and my best friend Albert. When sharing what I was figuring out, he added his glorious 2 cents on my skills and boosted my ego to ultimate proportions. I thought to myself, "Do my friends really look at me that way? Do they see these things that I just don't even realize I do?" and apparently they do. I love my friends at all costs. Sometimes I just don't know what they think of me. Often I feel like I don't care, but when one shares nice things about me to me I melt into humility and realize there is more to me than what I see. Other's opinions do count, good and bad, because people see you how you really are, you see yourself how you'd like to be perceived.

This conversation then caused me to think even more. The more I thought the more I could not figure out anything. On my last day at my temp job I remembered an old friend on Facebook asking if I kept in touch with a certain old friend. Unfortuantely, my being gay was an issue for this friend and we have not kept in touch since. I decided to google him and see what he was up to since no one really had a clue what he has been doing the past 10 years. In my search and through his own word on the web I found out he quit a job where he was over worked, focused his life and started using his talents to get what he wanted. He was successful and I was jealous. I was terribly happy for him, but jealous in the fact that I had somehow lost the nerve to go get what I wanted. I lost the balls to go learn how to do the things I needed to learn to fulfill my dreams and desires. He had that. As my friend he often brought that out in me. I needed to grab life by the horns and just do it. I have the talent. I have the desire. Now I have to work on the focus and extrovertedness to learn and network what I need to, to get what I want. There is no fear, only future. I am realizing that again now. Expect change!