It's Been A While part 1

 Well, it has definitely been some time since I have written here; something I should have been doing to keep my sanity and vent my feelings, but alas, I have not. Well, a catch up is due then.

We survived the pandemic. I can't say that 2020 and 2021 were great by any means. It did bring some great things however. Walter was able to change careers and almost immediately started working from home with me. Here were were, after 20 years together, on the same schedule and both quarantined in the same home continually for over a year. I will be honest, I was a little afraid. You always see those couples where everything seems fine until they retire, and then they just wanna kill each other or live separate lives because they never learned to live together without a buffer (kids, work, etc.). I didn't want to be one of those. Fortunately, we were not. We actually relished the time we had together and go along marvelously. Sure we still bickered about stupid little things like our "co-worker" who kept leaving dishes in the sink after lunch. We called the "co-worker" Brenda. It was all meant in fun coupled with some honesty to keep us both honest about our co-habitation habits. We kept a bubble with a group of friends and for the majority of us, we never got COVID-19. It wasn't until 2021 when we went to Texas for a wedding that Walter and I came home with COVID. 

2021 also was a bit of change and loss. Work became crazy with the change of CIO at my company and it was unbearable, so I was able to find a new role that sounded really exciting and where I felt I would learn a lot. I did learn something there but also sat without work to do for about 15 months of employment. I needed a change, but in retrospect, I needed that job then because a string of loss and sorrow hit shortly after I started that job. 

My little brother died of an overdose that August. I will never forget that night I got the call from mom. I was in the kitchen and quite happy when the phone rang. I answered to a bit of a hysterical crying voice of my mom telling me David had died. She had called him multiple times for dinner and he had not come down. She made her way up there and went into his room. She said he was blue and not moving or breathing. He had been up in his room sleeping all day which, for him, was quite normal. She was beside herself and I can imagine why. I can't fathom what she was dealing with emotionally from that. In my mind, her life would improve. David and his addiction caused a lot of stress and strain on her emotionally, financially, and put her and her home in some danger at times. I was so sad he passed but also so happy that his struggles with his demons had ended. I am sure it was not on purpose. He overdosed on accident. It was a blessing since his mental capacity had diminished so much to where he was hallucinating, paranoid, and had no sense of reality. 

After his passing I tried to help out mom as much as I could. Got her internet that actually worked well and had good speeds, connected her home to multiple Amazon Alexas so that should anything happen, in any part of the house, she could call out and contact any of us kids through it. Denise worked at getting her a home alarm system to secure her house and have video of all areas of the property. I flew up to pick her up for thanksgiving that year and drive her to my house for the week. I would drive her back and then fly back home. She loved it. She was telling everyone that I was flying up just to drive her down to Phoenix for the holiday and then would drive her back and fly home. It was cute and I love that she was so excited about it especially since that would be the last holiday I would get to spend with her. She unexpectedly passed 3 days after her 80th birthday. 

That Christmas Denise drove down and brought mom to her house for the holiday. Mom really enjoyed it and wanted to stay up there longer, but Denise took her home the day after (and in retrospect I am sure she wishes she kept her up there a little longer). 

Mom was lonely in that big house and her movement was slow but she still trudged along. Walter and I planned to go up for her and my birthday. She was turning 80 and didn't want to celebrate much, but I promised her a delicious steak dinner to celebrate. It was a tough month for her. She had a sore the size of a quarter on her leg that would not heal. She finally got it checked out and found out it was skin cancer. The dermatologist assured her it was not too back and could be handled onsite in his office. She never was able to get it taken care of. On the night of January 26th 2022, I got a call. It was mom, calling through her Alexa. She had fallen down the stairs. I stayed with her on the phone as I called Denise and Scott. Scott was living up there but on the phone. Denise was able to set off her home alarm to alert the system she needed an ambulance. Scott was on another call but with me calling repeatedly called me back and was able to head over to mom's. Kailee was also notified and was the first on the scene and was there when the ambulance arrived. 

Mom had not been feeling that great all week; a little cold she kept claiming. Once she was in the hospital, she found out it was COVID. She also had a cracked sternum and bruised all over. She was at the top of her stairs and moving to her walker when the walker's break didn't work and she fell right down on her chest and slid down the stairs. That is why she had called me on Alexa, her phone was already in her walker. I was so glad we installed all those for her. Walter and I cancelled our trip since she has COVID and was in the hospital. Told her we would come the following weekend instead. By the day of her birthday she was miserable and quite ornery when I called to wish her a happy birthday. I understood though. All us siblings were talking about what to do next. She couldn't live in her home as it was. The next day, January 29th, we all had a call with mom and talked about options. We talked about making the main floor fully open for her. We'd have the bathroom expanded with a shower she could wheel into and would shrink down the laundry room to do it. We'd make the doorways wider to allow her ease of movement. We'd get her a power lift recliner she could sleep in and would assist her getting up out of it; anything that would help her stay in her home and live as best as she could in her condition. Later that day she called me and we went through the different recliners and ordered her one so it would be there when she got out of the hospital. 

My birthday was the next day. I didn't hear from mom until later afternoon. It was a short call. About 2 and a half minutes. She was having a rough day, not like the day before where she sounded like she was ready to take on the world. Little did I know that would be the last time I would hear her talk to me. The next morning at 6am I got a call from Debbie. Debbie had been spending the nights with mom via phone after Scott was kicked out due to visitors hours being over. Debbie that morning heard the doctor come into mom's room and wanted to discuss the route mom wanted to take as she was in the ICU again and her respiratory system was not doing so well. Debbie told the doctor to give a moment while she tried to conference Scott in. Together, mom, Scott, Debbie and the doctor made the decision to not continue the respirator and put mom on comfort care as she finished her life. 

Debbie couldn't get a flight in that day. I told her to find one to Las Vegas and we would pick her up on our way to Saint George. She did. I let work know I would not be in and didn't know when I would be back on. Scott called me right before we got on the road and let me talk to mom one last time. I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her for being a great mom. Never in my life have I wailed when I cried. I assume I will not again until Walter passes (or if I am lucky enough to pass before him, I may never wail like that again). 

She passed before we even made it to Las Vegas. I had to pull over when I got the call. I don't even remember if I had Walter drive at that point. It was all just happening and I could not stop it. I don't think I would have if I could have. Mom was ready to go. I selfishly wanted her around still, but I also knew had she lived, her life would never be the same and it would have been horrible for her. I was honestly relieved that she passed before we got there. My last memory of my mom would not be her in a hospital bed.

World of Change

Right now we are at a point in our history where unprecedented things are happening. While this is not the first pandemic, it seems to be the worst one in about a century. Our lives are changing here in America, and even globally. Today for the first time I waited in a line to get into the grocery store. I had a few needs and wants on my list; eggs, milk, ground beef, maybe some chicken. I left with none of that, only with the things that were available that I cautiously chose to get. I say cautious because I prefer fresh food, but not knowing if we as a country or state or city will be going on lockdown in the near future to try to slow the COVID-19 pandemic spread, I wanted things that would last a little longer, or could freeze. It is something I never have seen while shopping; empty shelves everywhere, some completely empty while others had a lingering can or two while others had more (usually items that few people buy or that are specialty items that cost a lot more than most peoples' budgets). While I know the supply chain is intact, it is an issue getting stuff to the stores daily because paranoid people keep wiping stores out of stock daily. My kudos to the grocery workers who are working so hard to get the product back on shelves, and the truckers working tirelessly to transport everything.

I'll be honest, it is freaky. While I am staying calm and not hoarding, I am being calculated in what I purchase, and how much. Not so much that others can't have, but enough that should something keep us home for awhile, we will be ok. I keep a fairly stocked pantry anyway, so when you open the door it doesn't look much different than normal, and I am quite proud of that. I am, however, in a different mindset, mood, or whatever you want to call it. There is a different feeling in the air that I can't explain, but know I don't like. I think it is all the information constantly flowing out about this pandemic that is changing daily, focusing on deaths, not people who have overcome the sickness, wondering if we should go to the store just in case something is there and we might need it in the future. Oddly, I am not worried about paying our bills during this time, and I find that to be very fortunate as so many people will have issues with that. While I am over talking about it, it is all we can talk about since the information is ever changing. I feel a need to know the educated information and share it with my mom who doesn't have ways to keep up with what is going on in hopes she is able to take precautions and weather through this as well.

Another thing I am noticing is while we see a lot of people hoarding items and giving into paranoia, we are seeing a lot of giving people willing to help out a stranger, the elderly, a neighbor. I am gaining a sense of hope with humanity that when it gets bad, people can help each other out, not because their religion tells them to, but because their innate humanity lets them feel it is right to do and they act on it. I have a feeling that this pandemic will change more than how we work in businesses, prepare ourselves at home for a crisis, but change how we see each other and how we treat each other. Not saying everyone will be nice and helpful and giving, but I think this will encourage a lot more people to think that way. It is scary not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, or next week. We will survive, and hopefully be better from it.

My Garden

Now that Walter and I are homeowners again, we planted a garden. When we moved in we got some raised garden beds for some chard, lettuce, and tomatoes. Now that summer is over and planting season is here  again, we added a garden bed and planted many things directly from seeds. This is new to us and has been oddly satisfying; there is something about watching something you planted sprout and begin to grow.

Being the nerd that I am I created a growing and planting guide based on the time of year and type of seeds we have, that way we can rotate crops come spring and also get a full harvest from what we grow. It was planned out and then we planted. So many things we planted: 5 kinds of lettuce, radishes, carrots, celery, chard, spinach, beets, rutabaga, cauliflower, and kale. Then we used the smaller planters to do our herb garden with basil, thyme, cilantro, parsley, sage, arugula, rosemary and I feel something else, but I forgot, so we will see once it comes up.

It had been weeks since we planted. Watered. Waited. During those weeks of waiting we took a trip to Tuscon and ran into a gardener there who built and maintained multiple restaurant gardens in the city. I think we spent about an hour talking with him. It was great and highly informative. He sampled us a few delicious things he picked from his garden as he was watering and we talked. He told me what nozzle to get for my hose to do the best watering, how often and long to water in these desert climates, how to water citrus trees here and fertilize them, and shared some of the best things to plant. I loved it. Those kinds of interactions are the best to me and it really made my day having it. After all those weeks of watering and waiting, nothing was sprouting. NOTHING. I was feeling like I failed. Wondered what I had fucked up. What had gone wrong? We took a trip to Seattle for a long weekend. It was cold. When we returned it was cold in Phoenix too! Not normal October temperatures. I looked at the garden and finally saw a sprout. One. Just one lonely sprout out of the hundreds we planted. I had hope.

I continued on with what I was doing, hoping the cold hadn't killed off my seeds that might or might not be sprouting. It hadn't killed the one I saw. I reflected on what the Tucson man had told me, "Water long so the water seeps into the ground deep." Hadn't I been doing that? I thought I had. Perception is one thing; reality is something totally different. I decided to test the ground I had been vigilantly watering for the last 5 weeks (knowing some of the germinations were supposed to happen in 7-14 days and hadn't). I dug down a bit and it was bone dry. The top soil when I was watering looked drenched! I didn't want to over water, but now it was looking like I was under watering my garden. I changed action immediately. A few days passed. In those days I saw two radish sprouts pop up. JOY! I continued. Here I am 2 weeks later and I have sprouts from so many things I planted popping up, slowly but surely. I have to say I am learning patience with this garden, but gaining so much gratification from it as well, even more once we can harvest it. It is exciting to go out daily and see what new things are sprouting, what things are growing bigger. I am loving the garden and can't wait until we can utilize it for cooking and consumption.
  

As I watered it today I was looking at how it pertains to life. Here are some lessons and analogies I have gotten from it:

1. Just because you plant the seed doesn't mean it will grow. You can only do so much, but a bad seed is just that, a bad seed, so move on and nurture those seeds that are growing.

2. My garden is like people in my life. I can take them in, care for them, and help them grow. Some give me excitement in return, while others don't do anything at all. So like my garden, nurture those relationships that bring me joy and get rid of those that just don't do anything for me.

3. To tag on to #3, just planting the seed doesn't make it grow, it takes a lot of effort and attention on my part. Without that love and attention, the relationship will not grow and it is my fault for that.

4. The perfect garden for me is one that is diverse and that can provide many different flavors and textures to my palate. Same with friends, diversity is key to understanding and becoming better yourself.

5. Just because you planned for it to be a certain way, nature has its own way of doing things and its own timing. Patience and endurance are needed for this ride.

Feelings. So Many Feelings.

I've been thinking of writing again since I stopped my cooking blog last year. I have been putting it off by watching TV, playing Nintendo, surfing the net. Today I can't any longer and I wish it was a better reason than someone dying.

Yesterday my niece and nephew were in a car accident and ultimately, my nephew died this morning as a result of it. The problem that I am having is not that he died. My problem is that I don't feel sad about it. I have not cried over it. I have cried, but only because my heart goes out to my brother and the pain and regret I am sure he is going through. His family, sadly, are strangers to me. I can't cry for a stranger, no matter how hard I am trying.

The history here is complex, so I will simplify it. They are Mormon. I am gay. They have an issue with it (majority, I feel, is my horrible sister in law) so cut me out of their family's life for years. It wasn't until a few years ago my brother and I started talking. It was just a year or maybe two now that I met my nephew in a 30 minute stop over as they were passing through my mom's place. We were "Facebook Friends" and at one point he was going off so ignorantly about gay marriage I unfriended him and the rest of my brother's kids (I never friended my brother). Slowly we friended each other again, but I rarely followed them and I see now my nephew and I never friended each other again.

So some more feelings...I am feeling ANGRY. I am angry that my brother and his wife secluded me from their family so that I don't know their kids. The same this is with one of my sisters. I don't get invites or FYI notifications to baptisms, missionary farewells/homecomings, weddings (although my brother's oldest daughter did send me an invite to her wedding...1-2 weeks before it happened), birthdays. I hear about these things from my mom or my sister. What makes me angry is that I am mad at myself for not feeling bad he died, but have a hard time feeling bad because he is a stranger and he's a stranger because his parents stopped him from getting to know me. I remember my nieces (my sister's daughters who grew up with me around) telling me that my nephew and other nieces would make fun of "gay uncle Stephen" and they would stick up for me telling their cousin (who didn't know me at all) how great Uncle Stephen and Walter were and to stop talking bad about us because they didn't know us. I am ANGRY that they could speak words like that about someone they never met and can only assume they heard such negative things by someone who did know me, my brother and his wife. I am angry the most I know about this nephew is that he was adamantly against gay marriage, had made fun of his gay uncle, and he was friendly (according to people on Facebook commenting about him). When I met him he seemed funny and pretty nice.

That brings me back to more feelings...feelings of regret for not being included or trying harder to be included. I not not one to beg to be in someone's life. You either want me there or not. If you want me there I am there for you always. You don't want me there, no skin off my back. Begging to be there is a waste of my time and energy. So it is not in my personality to try to be in someone's life who clearly doesn't want me there. So I didn't try. I did my small part of sending my brother's family a Christmas card each year...many year with no return card. I wanted to remind them I am still here whether you want me here or not. But my efforts rarely went beyond that; honestly it was more than they were doing so I felt I was at least putting some effort. I don't regret not doing more. I regret they didn't do more until recently.

I feel for my niece who I don't know at all other than the 30 minute meeting where I met me nephew. She was driving the car that ultimately killed her brother. I feel for her and the mental damage it will do to her. I feel bad, not as a family member, but as a human being looking from the outside.

I feel scared and anxious. I plan to go to the funeral. In doing so I am going to have to deal with a lot of things I prefer not to: my sister in law, my dad and his cunt wife, the Mormon church and all the hypocrites I grew up around in that religion. I plan, need, to bring my husband. It will be the first time he meets/sees (since I don't intend on interacting with my dad and his cunt wife) a lot of my family. I know I need to go. I need to support my brother. Times like these are not about me and having to deal, they are about being there for those we love even if it is a mental sacrifice.

So many feelings this morning that I needed to get out. I feel much better now.

Unemployment Day 1

It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. As the title of this post suggests, I no longer have a job. I could make it a long drawn out story as to why I no longer have a job, but I think it's better that I leave short and sweet. The short of it is, I followed my own advice and at the same time I went against my own advice. Here's what I mean; for years I would tell people that "if you hate your job, quit." I also would tell them that "it's really stupid to quit a job when you don't have another job to go to." So what did I do? I hated my job so I quit...without another job... and I've never been happier.

Today is the first day unemployed. I've not not had a job since we quit our jobs in Las Vegas in 2008 and moved to Austin. It only took a month and a half for me to find a temp job and start working again. It took me another few months to find a permanent position and be working full-time. I thought that I would be more scared this point, And maybe next week, on Monday morning, when I have no job to go to, the fear will kick in, but as of right now I feel alive. I feel invigorated. I feel excited. I feel like I took the only obstacle out of my life that was stopping me from moving forward. Frankly, I feel FUCKING AMAZING!

So what am I doing on my first day of unemployment? Hell, it's Saturday so I'm doing nothing! I cleaned up the kitchen. I've made breakfast and coffee. I'm contemplating cleaning the house, but instead I'm watching a little television. I might box for little bit. I decided to write for a little bit as you can see. I've also danced in my kitchen, sang around the house, and I've been smiling all day so far.

I didn't quite expect this to be my reaction to being unemployed. I thought I would be a lot more stressed out. I thought I'd be spending this first day digging into job postings trying to apply for whatever I could. I thought that I'd be learning a skill or practicing my Excel workbooks and worksheets, trying to get ahead of the game before Monday hit, and I realize that my world has completely changed when I wake up and have nowhere to go. My relaxed attitude kind of scares me. Maybe it's because I expected myself to react differently. Maybe my relaxed attitude because my gut is telling me what I did was right and that what's waiting ahead for me is infinitely better than what I'm leaving behind. As for the rest of today, I'm going to continue on this happiness hi that I'm riding right now.

Another one Bites the Dust

Well, the last 30 days have been a time for death. I really only thought this happened once you pass 70. Another "friend" died. Its been over a week since I heard. It has taken me that long to process this one. I used quotes around the friend in this because we were no longer friends. It's what happens when there is a falling out.

I have not cried yet. I have yet to feel deeply sad...well, sad at all. I have been thinking about this off and on and have come to the conclusion that the sad part of this whole event is not that he died, but how and that it took his death to hear from friends I don't hear from regularly.

The lesson is loud and clear:
LIVE Healthy. 
BE Active.
DON'T Wait to do things. 
TELL Those you love that you love them regularly. 
CONTACT Those far away more often than at holidays. 
REMEMBER Who loves you. 
LIVE LIFE EVERY DAY.

Street Festivals and I

So I am finding that street festivals thrive in Chicago. There are at least 5 each weekend in different neighborhoods. There is a neighborhood fest, German fest, Polish fest, bacon fest, rib fest, and I could just keep going on and on. The thing about these fests are, they are practically all the same! A street closes down. A company comes in with the same beer and furnishes the booze. And there are some similar over priced foods involved. It is crowded and in my opinion, not that fun.

I think mainly I don't enjoy them because I don't like beer much. So to sit in the heat drinking something I don't enjoy, being in a crowd of people (which I don't like crowds either), and eat food that is not that great and way over priced just doesn't sound that fun to me. I have hit a total of 4 street festivals since I moved here (Plus Gay Pride and Market Days) and I really don't feel the need to do them again. There is always the hope that one will be a little different, but like the Cathedrals of Europe, once you've seen a few, they all tend to look the same after that. Give me a beach day. I'd much rather do that!

Lust for Life

So it has been awhile. Far too long actually since I last blogged. Just like with many things in life, I've been putting it off. Not because I don't want to, but because I was lazy, or just not making the time. And just like many things in life, an event triggered a realization that I need to get off my ass and do something about it.

What event? Well, unfortunately death. And old Frenemy killed himself this last week. "Frenemy" you might ask? Yes. We hated each other for the longest time. It was more like we felt each other was taking something away from the other and jealous of it. It was not until years later when we spent a long evening in a friends hot tub that we talked it out and though the years had caused the hate to fade, they also gave the maturity to understand each other.

So while this event stemmed this post, it is not about death, but about life, friends, and living. While I never expected to have someone who I have not seen in a good 10-12 years death cause me to cry, it did. It brought back memories that, actually, were all good. What it also did was cause me to reach out to people who I don't normally. People who I should more regularly. People who helped shape the person that I am and who I love dearly for it. People who live far away, so are often forgotten in my everyday life, until an event like this happens.

I am on both sides of the spectrum here. I have been the one still loved yet forgotten from everyday life. I have also been the one forgetting about special people. The saying is kind of true, Out of sight, out of mind. I don't think we ever intend to do it, but as I think I said many times in the last couple of days "Life just gets in the way". But why? If people are important, they should be part of your life. I appreciate Facebook for that. I can see what people I love and appreciate are doing on a regular basis, "like" what they do, leave a comment of sarcasm or approval, and move on. But that is only for a few. What about the others? Those who don't have a Facebook or post on it. Those who I only have their email or phone number. I have detached from calling people or emailing them. The "time" doesn't seem to be there when it really is. It is understandable though. We do keep social during the week and often forget. And I am not pleading to be better at it. Just stating it really. We are in a world of overload where we often do forget.

While I am making memories with my friends now, here, in the present and place I am now, I need to remember the memories of those in my past and work to making more with them. Could it be a need for a long weekend and flying to see them? OR even meeting up somewhere with them to hang out? I don't know. I am still figuring that part out. But that brings me to something more...having the lust for life also. I am guilty of sitting and doing nothing, and sometimes one needs to do that. We do need to rest. But I don't want to rest from work, I'd prefer to rest from doing fun things that exert my energy. Get out and do, and stop fucking just thinking about doing it! That has been my goal this year is to do. I think I am doing better at it, but not as good as I'd like to be. Is it fear? Laziness? Time? Well, I doubt it is the time. My mother always told me that I tend to always make the time and have the money to do the things I really want to. The rest is an excuse. Honestly, she is right.

I don't know. I feel I am all over the board on this post right now. I don't want to write a tribute to my friend who passed. His memory to me is enough. But I do want to remind myself to live life. To make the time for what I want to do and to DO IT. To think about and communicate more often with those in my past as much as I do with those in my present. To remind people that I love them, even though I don't say it enough. To make sure that I am who I am without apologies. To never regret not doing something. To explore the world and its beauty...the places, the people, the cultures.

I am not getting younger and don't want to be the man on his deathbed saying "I wish I had..." but the man saying "I did everything I wanted to do."

No Resolutions, but WORDS to live by in 2014

So it is the end of the year, a time when we reflect and see how the last year went and what we hope for the coming one. Often resolutions are made, forgotten or broken and at the end of the year it feels like a failure. I haven't made resolutions in ages and don't plan on now. What I do plan on doing it defining my year with words. Putting the words out there so that I can live them. It was not easy finding the words. You would think it was easier, it is only a word. I tried to think of one, but found 5. Five words that I want my life to reflect this coming year. There is no order of importance. There is only the meaning of them. So I will attempt to not only list them, but define my vision of what they mean for me.

The 5 Words of 2014

1. Love. It is not that I don't love, or love enough, but I think that I don't show it enough to the people I should show it to. I also feel that I don't accept it as much as I should. So love will not only be for people, but for things. Love can bring happiness and contentment as well.

2. Passion. I feel that in the past many years I have not been passionate about anything. I just go day to day "passionless". When I speak of passion I am talking about those things that make you happy that you do. Some have a passion for baking while others have passion for the outdoors. The thing that you love to do that makes you happy, calm and centered. It is my goal to find the passion again. I love to cook, and maybe it is becoming better. Trying new things. Maybe it will be centered around fitness. I am sure I will find it. This is the year to find it.

3. Adventure. I don't think I am boring by any means. I can get bored, but that is by choice to do nothing at times. I want the things that I do do to be full of adventure. No limit as to how big or small the adventure, but it needs to be amazing! Adventure is defined as "an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity." I need more of this in my life. It doesn't have to be hazardous, but it should be unusual and exciting! More of that this coming year!

4. Live. While this one seems obvious, I think people in general don't do it. I find myself finding it "easier" to sit at home, save money, and do nothing, missing out on some of the living of life. The adventures that I seek to fulfil. It is like when Auntie Mame says, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" I want to feast this year! Be gluttonous on what we have in this great city I live in, NO, this world we live in!

5. Fearless. I look back to the fun I had in my 20's. I was poor, but experienced so many things. Took a month off to travel Europe, took a trip with my best friend to England on minimal funds, jumped off cliffs, moved on a whim (which we still do) and lived life without fear. No fear of being broke, no fear of not making rent. I just did things and everything worked itself out later. I miss that part of me. I became responsible, which is not bad, but in doing so, I lost that fearless side of myself. I became fearful. I was in a relationship. All my choices were now going to effect me and someone else. What if my choice was a bad one and now 2 people have to suffer the consequences. I am done with being fearful. I left this word at my number 5 for a reason, because it  will be the catalyst to make the other ones work out.

As the last few days of 2013 pass, I will commit these words for 2014 to memory. Retain the meaning of them in my soul. Remember to live them and do it! It will be a revolutionary new year full of me being FEARLESS!

Thanksgiving...a day to remind ourselves of what we DO have.

I find it interesting that people take the time to be thankful on Facebook each day of this month. It makes me wonder if they think about what they are thankful for on a daily basis. As a child I would say a prayer and I was always "thankful" for the same things each time: my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters, my home, food, etc. But that became a rehearsed "thankful", it lost its sincerity in repetition. Is this how we are now? We repeat what we are supposed to be thankful for that we forget or take for granted what the thanks is really for? Why do we wait in this country to be be thankful for things until November? I guess because in December we focus on those things we don't have and want (thanks commercialized Christmas). Maybe they cancel each other out somehow...

I am not saying that I think about what I am thankful each day, but I do "stop to smell the roses" multiple times each week and think of how fortunate I am for the life I have. I try to tune out the negativity of others while realizing that sometimes it triggers me to be negative. I guess I am thankful for that self-awareness.

There are so many things that I am thankful for this year so in the spirit of the holiday, I will list them out here.

1. Walter. This year we had the pleasure of being married. Nearly 13 years with this wonderful man and he's not sick of me yet. I am difficult sometimes and he knows when to just let it roll off his back. I am thankful for his patience with me and his ability to evolve with me in our life together.

2. The fact that we can now get married. With the fall of DOMA, it allowed us to be married and gain the rights that we should have had for ages now. I also had the privilege to officiate the wedding of my best friend and his husband. Amazing!

3. My family. Most of them anyway. I do love them all, but some just piss me off regularly and some I don't even talk to. But I somehow still love them all and do care about their lives and well being.

4. My friends. This year has been especially hard since we left many wonderful friends in Austin, who I miss terribly, and have been on the search for new friends in Chicago. We have been fortunate to find some great friends here and many good acquaintances as well. Hopefully this next year we will be able to build stronger relationships with those and acquire some new as well.

5. My job. While I am sometimes in turmoil about what I want to be when I grow up, I am lucky that I work for a company who allows you to explore your passions and try new things.

6. The city I live in. It is a new city and so much to explore and enjoy. As I walk to work and see a building I have not noticed before, or some beautiful architectural detail, I am reminded I live in a city with beauty and rich history.

7. My mind. While sometimes I think I have lost it, I am thankful that it functions and serves me in many aspects of my life. It keeps me calm and self-aware. It sometimes runs too much and interrupts my sleep, but better than it not going at all and becoming stagnant.

8. My physical movement. I am made so much more aware, especially as I age, that the ability to move and be mobile is so important. I am grateful that I still have this ability and need to focus on keeping it and improving it as I get older.

9. My life. Not the breath I have that allows me to live, but everything that surrounds me. I am fortunate to have the things I need, the money to buy things I want. A warm comfortable place to live. Wonderful people to surround me. The eyes to see the beauty around, the ears to hear the sounds of the birds and the city,  and the heart to appreciate what I see and hear. And most importantly, a companion to share it all with.

There are so many more details that I could add to this. So many more things to list, but why list them? I need to think of them regularly, throughout the year. Be thankful that I wake up each morning and thankful I can walk to work each day. Thanksgiving should be celebrated regularly, not just on the 4th Thursday of November. I need to stop and appreciate life more often. Smile more. Love more. Laugh more. And be serious less. Being thankful daily should bring these things year round as opposed to this one day each year.

Accepting Even When We Don't Get It

A coworker and I have been chatting a lot about a lot of things. She talks about her daughter a lot and is so proud of her. The other day she walked into work and had a very distressed look on her face. I greeted her with a "good morning" followed by a "how's it going?". She stopped, pondered her answer, and said "My daughter thinks she is supposed to be a boy. We had a long talk about it last night."

So a quick backstory on this, her daughter has thought this since the first grade, so this was not anything new. From the 1st to the 4th grade they would buy her clothes in the boys department, cut her hair short, and allow her to live how she felt she was. WONDERFUL PARENTING in my opinion; letting the child live the life they think they are, only guiding the child to make good decisions, but letting the child keep her individuality. She is now 12.

So when my coworker told me, I felt for this child and her mom. I scooted my chair over so we could talk. The next words that came out of her mouth with some light tears was, "I don't care, I just ache over the pain and confusion that she is going through."

We talked for a good amount of time about finding some support groups. Finding some sort of group to help her daughter see and talk with other transgendered persons. Her daughter still is not 100% that she is a boy, but strongly feels she is. I told her the best part is that she has a supportive mother and father to help her through it all. I reminded her that I don't feel the way her daughter does, so it confuses me just as it confuses her, similarly that I am gay and one who is not cannot understand completely how I feel the way I feel about my sexuality. Her daughter still likes boys, but does not rule girls out either. I joked that she might be a gay man trapped in a woman's body! We giggled and realized that might be fully true! She made me smile the next day when she said "my daughte...err, kid" to adjust her own vernacular on referring to her daughter.

This has caused me to think a lot over the past few days about how healthy it is to accept, even when you don't understand and will never comprehend. This can apply to so many things we experience in life. Not accepting people for silly things that don't matter is damaging. Parents are the worst offenders and psychologically damage us all the time. If it is the little boy in pre-school wanting to wear a dress at playtime and being shamed for it by ANY adult (teacher or parent) or in my case, being gay and tired of living the lie. It still hurts when those close to you or who you look up to are unaccepting of who you are. The reaction that you have, be it yanking the boy to the back and pulling the dress off him yelling at him how only girls wear dresses, or having such an issue that I am gay the you stop talking to me completely is a bad one. The damage still occurs.

It is really not hard to just accept someone for who they are. People complicate it more than it should be. They bring outside influences in when it should just be a natural human response of "ok, that is how you are, and this is how I am, and we are all different, and while I don't understand that aspect of you, I still think you are wonderful and love you". It is really that simple. I know it is easier said than done. So many things brainwash our minds into what to believe; religion, community, culture, media, etcetera. It is time we took our humanity back and listen to our pure hearts. Strip all the crap off. Be like children who don't know and don't care that something is socially demonized or stigmatized. Let's just start caring in the right, supportive, loving way. The human way.

My First Same Sex Wedding

So I went to my first same sex wedding last week. It so happened that it was my own!

My gay wedding virginity was originally going to be broken by officiating my best friends wedding last Saturday, but with the changes in the Federal Government and IRS guidelines, my partner and I decided to elope while in California. We had discussed it for years and decided once it was Federally recognized, we would do it. So we did. It was highly encouraged by my friend, so we decided to do it enough in advance that it didn't come near to his nuptials. We flew into San Diego on Tuesday, and by that afternoon we had our wedding license. Wednesday, after our friend were off work, a couple family members who wanted to drive in to attend, and my other best friend from Salt Lake City flew in, we wed on a beach in La Jolla. It was small, only 9 of us total. It was perfect though. More than I imagined, and admittedly, I didn't imagine much.

When a gay boy grows up, in my generation and before, you don't have dreams of getting married. You have worries of "what happens if one of us dies and the other's parents/family comes to take everything?" "What will happen if he goes into the hospital and his family, who does not agree with him being gay, decided to have my blocked from visiting him?" Some have a faux security that they had a "commitment ceremony", something I have never agreed with. That does not stop family from coming in and taking over, because you, technically, are not your partner's family. After all the years Walter and I have been together, if you don't know we are committed, then you're a fucking idiot. I don't need a ceremony for that. But a wedding, the untouchable has been granted. It's so new. The thoughts of one day the possibility of getting married are now a reality. We finally have the same rights as everyone else, and no matter what the State says, the Feds now say we are the same. Equal.

We knew this was something that would not really change how we have lived for the last 13 years, and I don't think it changed my feelings toward him, but it did change something. Something more than the legalities and the rights we gained. I can't tell if it is an emotion, a feeling, a bond, but something is slightly different.

It freaked our parents out, but I don't care. It is not about them, but about us. They can live their lives how they want to, and we live ours how we chose. I still have not told all of my family. I am sure some found out on Facebook and the others will found out through converstation. I did find it interesting how the majority my Mormon friends from high school didn't post any congratulatory comments towards us or even "liked" anything (given, a few did). I guess I forget how for some, the outpouring of love and support have to fall within certain dogmatic guidelines. And that is ok. That is why I don't go to church, so I don't have someone telling me what to believe about things and how to hate under the guise of love. I respect those who believe what is in their heart, their humanity, what goes against their preacher, but still keep their belief in whatever god they believe in.

There will be one wonderful day in the future where it is not going to be called a same sex wedding, but just a wedding. It stopped with "bi-racial weddings" so I have faith it will end with "same sex weddings" as well.

Now comes the challenge of remembering to call him my "husband" rather than "partner".

National Coming Out Day

So with it being National Coming Out Day, I feel that to all my readers (all 4 of you) that I am gay. There. Done.

It has been over 16 years since I "came out of the closet". The hardest part, of course, was coming out to myself. With the help of a high school friend, it made it easier. I thought the worst part was over, admitting it, but then who knew that the majority of the people who I loved and thought would love me regardless of my sexual orientation deserted me. I should have known better. The majority of them were heavily religious in the Mormon religion (I came out in Salt Lake City about a year after returning from a Mormon mission). The biggest surprise of course is that the friends I thought would abandon me, stayed (even to this day) and those I thought would stay were the first to disappear.

Also happening at this time of realization was my parents divorce, not making my stress level any better. Plus, with a family in disarray, it was obvious I couldn't come out to them. I don't think I could have handled more rejection and stress from that. I did however come out to my mom. It was a few month after I came out to myself and friends. It was summertime. She was up visiting and staying with my sister. My sister made some ignorant comment about something that had me on the emotional defensive. I had to leave and sit in the car. While out there, my mom came to see if I was ok and I was obviously not. I am not one to hold in my feelings, so I spilled them right there. It was uncomfortable. REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. My mom's reaction was to tell me I better not ever tell the family (because in my family, everything it kept secret [because that is so healthy]). I told her I would not say anything, but, if they ever asked me, I was not going to lie.

It was 1997, right after Princess Diana died. I was staying at my mom's. My Mormon sister was down that weekend too. Some news thing came on about gay pride or something. My sister cornered me. She knew. She said all the siblings had been questioning my sexuality for years. She asked. I didn't lie. She asked what she could do. I told her to not treat me differently. She promised she wouldn't. She lied. My mom flipped the fuck out. Threw a tantrum like a little child. I thought she was going to kill herself the way she was acting as she ran to the car and left. When she returned she refused to let me tell my little brother alone. She insisted she be there. He was unfazed. Said, "Oh, that's all? Ok." Mom was pissed as the lack of his anger about my sexual orientation. The next day was more drama. Sister running off to the neighbors spilling this new news. How mom's favorite son was a fag! Mom was pissed even more. Sis was just being a bitch. I called her husband and left a message  that he needed to come get her because she was not welcome anymore. I threw her bag on the front lawn. More yelling. More screaming. More crying. More emotional scaring. My sister ended up staying. It was uncomfortable, but I was leaving for home the next day. When I got back to Salt Lake, it was time to call my other 2 siblings. My oldest sister said "finally". My oldest brother asked "What makes you gay?" I replied, "The fact that I like men," to which he responded, "Why do you like men?" "Why do you like women?" I said with a dead silent response. "That's why I like men." And the call ended.

I made a great group of friends in Salt Lake. They were supportive, fun, nonjudgmental. Some were gay, some straight and some were still around from my time as a Mormon. It was helpful. It was needed. Leaving Salt Lake City was going to be hard to do since my support system was so great, but I knew I needed to go, build a life elsewhere, away from my family, away from the pain of the friends I lost and would occasionally run into. I was off to Las Vegas.

Autumn Has Arrived!

As Autumn is slowing rolling in, it feels as if it is a completely new experience. It has been about 16 years since I experienced the Autumn season. Living in Las Vegas and then Austin didn't lend much to any seasonal change. Sure it cooled down. But rarely was there change in leaf color, days of rain, and snow, well, that was just an anomaly when it did show up for the meer hours it lay on the ground. I am excited for the fall. I am excited for the cool weather, the jackets I get to wear, the colors changing. I am excited for the fall treats like pumpkin everything, soups and stews, grey days that you just want to cuddle under a blanket and watch movies.

I am sure I am romanticizing everything about the fall. I am sure I will crave sunshine soon. I am sure that putting on a jacket will become annoying and warm, then cold, then warm again as I go in and out from the elements. I am liking the romance of the season though. I am basking in it as much as I can until the reality sets in. We went apple picking for the first time to get some fruit for pies. The first pumpkin was purchased for a friend to carve for the very first time. I have been wearing jackets, wanting for scarf shopping, and purchased some gloves in preparation for that first bitter cold day. I must admit, I check the weather each morning as I get dressed to see if I can still wear shorts to work, and I do wear them when I can. My windows at home are more closed than open and I am sure they will be completely shut in the next week or two. The fans and A/C are off too and it is still a nice temperature in the house. This is unusual because in Austin or Vegas, this would not happen until late December or January.

I am excited for this new/old experience to happen. I am basking in it as much as I can. Bring on the season that starts the holidays!!

Did They Break Me?

After realizing last night that it has been 11 months since my last post, I figure I better get my ass moving and write something. God knows I need the therapy I get from writing!

So much has happened in the last 11 months. A move, 2 job changes, lifestyle changes. It's a bit overwhelming and I though I was handling it pretty well. Maybe I thought wrong. 

I was fine until a few weeks ago when I went to visit my mom. Visiting family always stresses me out. It is not my mom necessarily that stresses me out (although she sure knows how to push my buttons sometimes), it is my 32 year old brother that still lives at home and destroys my mother's sanity and world. There is so much baggage that surround that whole scene that it is stressful and my visits are merely out of formality and becoming less and less out of desire.

I have not been the same since my visit there. I think they broke me. I have been depressed, angry, frustrated. I have been eating worse, working out less, and feeling like I am losing it. I guess that is my main purpose in finally writing today; to get it all out.

You know when you know something is good for you, but somehow you avoid it or rebel against doing it? It is kind of self destructive. I think that is where I have been lately. While I am reaching out to do more at work, I am getting more frustrated at the inconsistencies that surround my job. Undocumented "guidelines" of how things need to be done, but when asking for something to reference, being brushed aside. So when normal me would take those problems and start creating a document (being a problem solver), instead I am venting how frustrating it is to never have such a thing. While I buy food to create delicious meals at home, I am "not in the mood" to make them and ordering out bad food like pizza and wings. When I join a gym that is 3 blocks from work and I truly enjoy going to and feel so awesome afterwards, I skip one of the 2 classes that I tell myself I am going to attend for the week. Once this was because I was so anxious and probably on the verge of having a panic attack, the thought of being around people freaked me out.

 In each instance, it is something that is self destructive. When I don't just create the document at work, it hurts my work performance, creates another scenario where I can make the same mistake and be corrected again, and does not show the initiative that I normally display in my workplace. It stops people from seeing my capabilities and talents. When I make poor food choices, not only do I waste money, I treat my body poorly. I don't give it the nutrition that it needs to succeed. I feel worse, am tired more often, and it effects my mood. Similarly, when I don't hit the gym, I am missing out on exercise, much needed stress relief, and some good ol' endorphins. All things that I feel sort of destroy parts of my existence from the inside out.

So now that it is out there, what do I do? It is easy to say, "Fix it. Make those changes at work you know you need to. Eat better. Go to the gym." But somehow when you feel this way, it is much much harder to do that it is to say. Maybe this it is. Maybe this blog is the first step to recovery! HAHA. Not that this is a 12 step program (because those are shit anyhow), but maybe "Admitting that you have a problem is the first step". Maybe realizing what my triggers are to make me feel this way is the next. Maybe learning to thwart them when they are happening is the way to stop this from happening in the future. The only thing I do know is that it is doing a disservice to myself, my partner, and the friends that I am inadvertently avoiding because I don't want to be social. I guess it is time to start the repair.

New Year...Exciting Future

So I am trying to change. I know I want to write in my blog more. I want to get my thoughts out. I want to keep this online journal more up to date with my happenings. It is New Years Day. I am a bit tired from last night. I am being hit with allergies to where my scratchy, watering eyes are making me want to poke them out, but...I am going to write in my blog more so what better day to start and quit the excuses!

I keep hearing so many friend and acquaintances talking about how horrible 2012 was for them. I can't say mine was all bad. I actually think it went well. I have a job I really like, went on 3 trips out of the state, celebrated 12 years with Walter and, for the most part, and really happy.

It was the last quarter of 2012 where things got interesting though. Both Walter and I felt the itch for a change. We don't know why, but we did. So we started looking at locations. I wanted to find a place where there was a regional office for my job so I could hopefully keep doing what I am doing. We also wanted a place where Walter could further and succeed in his career. This meant a retail centered city. Ideally we wanted to live in San Diego. I had hinted with my boss that we wanted to move there. This came after our trip to see our best friends for a week who live there. We loved it. It was amazing. The universe had a different agenda though. While scrolling through regional office locations, Chicago popped up. Chicago. Humm, not somewhere I ever thought to move. I had been there back when I was 24, almost 15 years ago. Walter, never. Something felt right, to both of us. We we set our sights there. Walter started checking transfer options. I started looking at jobs at the office there. We both started talking to people about it. Telling friends of the option, and taking info about the city where we could. Then I booked a flight to go there.

It was instant love on the drizzling day we arrived. It was awesome. Real winter weather, public transportation, city life. It was somehow what we desired, but didn't know it until then. It took a matter of a few hours to know, and feel, that this was our next stop on our life adventure. We spent the first day taking it all in. The second we spent checking out potential neighborhoods (always something good to do since we probably would not be flying out again to find a place). The last day we saw more sights and bid a sad farewell to the city we would soon call home.

A little anxiety set in, knowing what we needed to figure out next. We have no current savings. We don't owe much on credit cards (fortunately), but are kind of cash poor also. It was time to set a budget. It was also time to figure out our work. Walter sent and email immediately to his boss. I, however, needed to wait another week to talk to mine who was out on leave. Everything seemed positive. My boss was all up for me working remotely. She just needed to talk it over with her boss. Walter's district manager was excited for the idea and with a change in a store, it looked highly likely it would happen.

A few days ago I got a call. My working remotely was not approved. Blah blah blah is basically what I heard after that. All I could think of then was that I needed to update my resume and get to hunting. So I did; immediately. I found a few good prospects, just needed the resume to be done. Fortunately this was a Friday and I had a whole weekend to start. Resume update, edit, rewrite. Linked In update, looking for business partners, searching jobs. Then Sunday came. Walter found out the transfer would not be happening. Decision time. Do we still follow our gut? or do we stay in Austin and keep going as we are going. And the winner is....GUT!

We know we have received all the wonderful things we needed from Austin and our guts are telling us to take the next step. What's the fun is there is no bump in the road. Job hunting continues, onward and upward!

So this should be the time where I put out to the universe what I want in a job while I am searching, so here it is:

- I want to work for a company that treats their employees like they are important, because they are. Whether I stay with Whole Foods, or move to another company, this is a must and something I have now that I do not want to give up.
- I want to love my job and feel my job finds me an important part of them. Their success is based on me and my success on them.
- I want a fairly casual work environment. Jeans and t-shirt would be great, shorts even. I am fine with jeans and a button up shirt (no tie).
- I want to be compensated properly for what I will be doing. This also includes paid holidays (if I leave WFM) and a generous amount of vacation and personal time. Medical, dental and vision also as well as some nice fringe benefits.
- I want a job where I can grow and improve my skills and given the empowerment to do so.
- I want to have this in place before the end of March 2013.

I think my list is shorter this time, but these are the important things that I want.

I am not sure what 2013 is going to bring, but I feel it is going to be awesome and exciting! I look forward to the new challenges and experiences this year has in store.

Lack of Christmas Spirit

Today is Christmas. That is all.

My Feelings Post Tattoo

So there was something sort of therapeutic about getting this tattoo. I don't feel like a different person, but I do feel different. I feel like I am finally expressing myself and not caring what others will think.

I think that a lot of what held me back from getting a tattoo was the thought of what my mom would say. I know that sounds lame, but that thought is there with so many things. Part of my now does not care. She sees me once or twice a year. It is something she does not agree with, but she doesn't agree with a lot of things in my life: living so far away from her, being gay, not going to church, my facial hair, my haircut, etc. So why do I care about this?

Another thing plaguing me was the permanence of the tattoo. Once its there, it don't go away unless you wanna go through some major pain. That was pretty long term for me. I realized however, that if I liked it, I would never get tired of it.

So back to my feelings post getting it. I feel somehow more confident. I feel a bit more sexy and attractive. I feel a bit more out of the box. Creative. Daring. Rebellious. I feel a little more...me. It is as if the inside me, is now starting to show on the outside. Sure, it started with the Mohawk...but that comes and goes with my mood. This is part of me now. Probably the most expensive piece of art I will ever buy (and the easiest to move). I am excited. I embrace it. I feel like a new chapter has begun!

My New Tattoo

Around fifteen years ago, my friend Derek and I decided we wanted to get some tattoos. We headed to the parlor and picked out the most awesome tribal bands! We were so excited. The excitement ended with the realization we did not have enough cash to pay for these tattoos. We never went back. Thank god we did not since we all know how over done and 90's the tribal bands are/were.

Since then there has been a desire in the back of my mind that I wanted to get one. I didn't know what but would occasionally see others and envy them. I remember the cute Asian blackjack player who frequented my casino and had the coolest Japanese ocean scene on his arm. When I asked him to see the rest, he pulled up his shirt to this beautiful scene. I figured, wow, he took something beautiful from his culture and made it art on his body. What I realize now is that he probably had no cultural connection to it, but liked it, so got it. That has been my problem with deciding on a tattoo to get. I thought it had to have some meaning to me. I decided on a space scape from a picture from the Hubble Telescope. I though, "Hey, I have always been enamored with space since childhood, this will surely  mean something to me!" Then I could not commit to it. I have obvious commitment issues. It is a wonder Walter and I have been together almost 12 years! I knew I wanted one and could not commit to one. I thought the Doctor Who Tardis, a Stormtrooper, Thundercats symbol, were all worthy to be on me. Things I love, show my geekiness, and I don't think I would ever hate or get sick of. What if I had an artist combine them all? Still, the thought, with no commitment. I kept seeing the Japanese style peonies; bright vibrant colors, pinks and oranges, with black clouded backgrounds. They were stunning. I wanted one, but it had no meaning to me other than I thought they were beautiful. Then it hit me..."If I am going to have to look at something the rest of my life, it needs to be beautiful, not meaningful. It is traveling art; something I love to look at all the time. That is the meaning of it. Beauty."

It was Walter's decision, actually, to go get a tattoo on his birthday. Our friend Anthony recommended his tattoo artist. He had recently got one. We noted the name of the parlor and kept it in the back of our minds, Walter more so than I. It was Walter, wanting to get his birthday tattoo and the speedy coming of this birthday that caused him one day to search out an artist. He loved the artist's enthusiasm to come up with the design for him. I didn't meet Cameron until we brought him some cash to start the drawing. When I was looking over his art wall in the shop, I saw he did a lot of the types of work that I wanted. It was then I asked him if he could do it. His excitement went out the roof. Apparently, it was his specialty and he hadn't done it in a very long time. He was so excited to do it.

I figured, go big or don't do it at all, so I decided on a half sleeve. People think I am crazy, but that is what I was finding beautiful and I wanted it. Not some half assed small thing that was, in my eyes, lame. I put my desires into words and Cameron put them onto paper. It was 10 days from the time I told him til the time I saw the design. That was 5 days ago. I got it yesterday.

Right now it is only the outline. In 2 weeks I will get some color, then finish it maybe 2 weeks after that with all the shading.

Rethinking the White Picket Fence

My whole life I've been taught that being successful as a person was having your own home. That proverbial white picket fence that everybody wants. As I'm experiencing life more I've owned two homes. I've had the fence. And you know what I don't want it anymore!

It's funny because I hear reports lately where it is reported that having home is not a sound investment anymore. It's not what our parents told us that a home always lasts and always keeps it value. Homes are liabilities now. It's a liability I don't think I want anymore.

Yeah renting for the past 3 1/2 years is really open my mind to the difference between renting and owning a home. Again, owning a home is something that I always wanted because it was something I was always was supposed to want. I realize now, it's something I may not ever want again. Partially because it's too much responsibility and really, no security. 

Here's a list of things that I realized why renting is better than owning:

1. You can move anytime you want without having to sell a house.

2. You can change locations in your city, every year if you choose, if you get tired of where you're living.

3. If something breaks you don't have to pay to fix it!

4. No property taxes! Sometimes those can really get up there in price depending on where you live in the value of where you're at.

5. More expendable income. You have more income because you don't have to sit and keep fixing things up on your own house. If your apartment or condo gets run down too much, you either move or you ask them to fix it for you.

6. Want to pool? Then rent a place that has a pool!

Here are the things I realize why owning is sometimes better than renting:

1. You can decorate and do anything you want with your home. You can tear out the kitchen if you don't like it and replace it. You can change the flooring. You can paint the walls any color you want and not care to have to paint them back when you move.

2. If you plan to stay in one place for very long time, then you might make some money on your house when you decide to move.

3. Your rent can go up. Your mortgage, when you refinance, can go down.

4. The tax write off!

When I mentioned to my mom that I didn't think I ever wanted to buy a living space again she didn't really accept the thought. She pretty much said that it was the stupidest idea. I can understand where she's coming from since in her generation that was the American dream. What she doesn't understand is I look at all the money that she and my dad put into our homes growing up and all that money that could have been put into stocks, bonds, 401(k)s, money market accounts, that they would probably be retiring a lot better off than what they are now. Not that they are lacking in their retirement. My dad had the city job with a good pension. But all the extra expendable income that they used to replace floors, air conditioners, services on the house, etc., doesn't seem like a good enough payoff. I know in our first home, we made a lot of money because we bought in a market that was rising so quickly. But in our second house, the market declined and we lost more than what we gained from the first. It's kind of like a game; Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. In the end we lost.

Currently we pay about $1200 a month for rent. In a home that we could afford to buy, here in Austin, TX, (say a $140,000 home) our mortgage would only be around $950 a month. Sounds like renting is stupid now. We could be in more space and own something for less. But wait, I forgot to add that property taxes would be about $350 a month, HOA fees would be an additional $150 a month on top of a larger heating/cooling bill, sanitation, yard maintenance, home owners insurance, and trying to keep something left over in the bank just incase something breaks down (like the A/C). So my rent is looking pretty awesome. Let me now mention that the place I could buy, if translated into an apartment would actually make my rent (like for like) around $800 a month since what I could afford to buy would be in a lower grade neighborhood, not as close to work or social life, and not as nice since it would be older and probably need renovations. So really, I can live in a better place renting, than I can buy for less.

While this is only my perception, I think it works for me and I don't think I ever want to own a home again. That may change. Maybe one day I'll make a lot more money where extra expenses don't matter to me and I really need that tax write off. Maybe one day I will want to be settled down a little more in one place. But for me right now, I'm not that settled down, and I don't make enough to really need the tax write off. I think I'll stay renting for a while and keep that freedom in my life and money in my pocket!

*Disclaimer - I am fully aware that in many places in the United States that house costs and property  taxes are not as high to where buying is much more economical, unfortunately, I don't want to live in any of those places.