Well, it has definitely been some time since I have written here; something I should have been doing to keep my sanity and vent my feelings, but alas, I have not. Well, a catch up is due then.
We survived the pandemic. I can't say that 2020 and 2021 were great by any means. It did bring some great things however. Walter was able to change careers and almost immediately started working from home with me. Here were were, after 20 years together, on the same schedule and both quarantined in the same home continually for over a year. I will be honest, I was a little afraid. You always see those couples where everything seems fine until they retire, and then they just wanna kill each other or live separate lives because they never learned to live together without a buffer (kids, work, etc.). I didn't want to be one of those. Fortunately, we were not. We actually relished the time we had together and go along marvelously. Sure we still bickered about stupid little things like our "co-worker" who kept leaving dishes in the sink after lunch. We called the "co-worker" Brenda. It was all meant in fun coupled with some honesty to keep us both honest about our co-habitation habits. We kept a bubble with a group of friends and for the majority of us, we never got COVID-19. It wasn't until 2021 when we went to Texas for a wedding that Walter and I came home with COVID.
2021 also was a bit of change and loss. Work became crazy with the change of CIO at my company and it was unbearable, so I was able to find a new role that sounded really exciting and where I felt I would learn a lot. I did learn something there but also sat without work to do for about 15 months of employment. I needed a change, but in retrospect, I needed that job then because a string of loss and sorrow hit shortly after I started that job.
My little brother died of an overdose that August. I will never forget that night I got the call from mom. I was in the kitchen and quite happy when the phone rang. I answered to a bit of a hysterical crying voice of my mom telling me David had died. She had called him multiple times for dinner and he had not come down. She made her way up there and went into his room. She said he was blue and not moving or breathing. He had been up in his room sleeping all day which, for him, was quite normal. She was beside herself and I can imagine why. I can't fathom what she was dealing with emotionally from that. In my mind, her life would improve. David and his addiction caused a lot of stress and strain on her emotionally, financially, and put her and her home in some danger at times. I was so sad he passed but also so happy that his struggles with his demons had ended. I am sure it was not on purpose. He overdosed on accident. It was a blessing since his mental capacity had diminished so much to where he was hallucinating, paranoid, and had no sense of reality.
After his passing I tried to help out mom as much as I could. Got her internet that actually worked well and had good speeds, connected her home to multiple Amazon Alexas so that should anything happen, in any part of the house, she could call out and contact any of us kids through it. Denise worked at getting her a home alarm system to secure her house and have video of all areas of the property. I flew up to pick her up for thanksgiving that year and drive her to my house for the week. I would drive her back and then fly back home. She loved it. She was telling everyone that I was flying up just to drive her down to Phoenix for the holiday and then would drive her back and fly home. It was cute and I love that she was so excited about it especially since that would be the last holiday I would get to spend with her. She unexpectedly passed 3 days after her 80th birthday.
That Christmas Denise drove down and brought mom to her house for the holiday. Mom really enjoyed it and wanted to stay up there longer, but Denise took her home the day after (and in retrospect I am sure she wishes she kept her up there a little longer).
Mom was lonely in that big house and her movement was slow but she still trudged along. Walter and I planned to go up for her and my birthday. She was turning 80 and didn't want to celebrate much, but I promised her a delicious steak dinner to celebrate. It was a tough month for her. She had a sore the size of a quarter on her leg that would not heal. She finally got it checked out and found out it was skin cancer. The dermatologist assured her it was not too back and could be handled onsite in his office. She never was able to get it taken care of. On the night of January 26th 2022, I got a call. It was mom, calling through her Alexa. She had fallen down the stairs. I stayed with her on the phone as I called Denise and Scott. Scott was living up there but on the phone. Denise was able to set off her home alarm to alert the system she needed an ambulance. Scott was on another call but with me calling repeatedly called me back and was able to head over to mom's. Kailee was also notified and was the first on the scene and was there when the ambulance arrived.
Mom had not been feeling that great all week; a little cold she kept claiming. Once she was in the hospital, she found out it was COVID. She also had a cracked sternum and bruised all over. She was at the top of her stairs and moving to her walker when the walker's break didn't work and she fell right down on her chest and slid down the stairs. That is why she had called me on Alexa, her phone was already in her walker. I was so glad we installed all those for her. Walter and I cancelled our trip since she has COVID and was in the hospital. Told her we would come the following weekend instead. By the day of her birthday she was miserable and quite ornery when I called to wish her a happy birthday. I understood though. All us siblings were talking about what to do next. She couldn't live in her home as it was. The next day, January 29th, we all had a call with mom and talked about options. We talked about making the main floor fully open for her. We'd have the bathroom expanded with a shower she could wheel into and would shrink down the laundry room to do it. We'd make the doorways wider to allow her ease of movement. We'd get her a power lift recliner she could sleep in and would assist her getting up out of it; anything that would help her stay in her home and live as best as she could in her condition. Later that day she called me and we went through the different recliners and ordered her one so it would be there when she got out of the hospital.
My birthday was the next day. I didn't hear from mom until later afternoon. It was a short call. About 2 and a half minutes. She was having a rough day, not like the day before where she sounded like she was ready to take on the world. Little did I know that would be the last time I would hear her talk to me. The next morning at 6am I got a call from Debbie. Debbie had been spending the nights with mom via phone after Scott was kicked out due to visitors hours being over. Debbie that morning heard the doctor come into mom's room and wanted to discuss the route mom wanted to take as she was in the ICU again and her respiratory system was not doing so well. Debbie told the doctor to give a moment while she tried to conference Scott in. Together, mom, Scott, Debbie and the doctor made the decision to not continue the respirator and put mom on comfort care as she finished her life.
Debbie couldn't get a flight in that day. I told her to find one to Las Vegas and we would pick her up on our way to Saint George. She did. I let work know I would not be in and didn't know when I would be back on. Scott called me right before we got on the road and let me talk to mom one last time. I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her for being a great mom. Never in my life have I wailed when I cried. I assume I will not again until Walter passes (or if I am lucky enough to pass before him, I may never wail like that again).
She passed before we even made it to Las Vegas. I had to pull over when I got the call. I don't even remember if I had Walter drive at that point. It was all just happening and I could not stop it. I don't think I would have if I could have. Mom was ready to go. I selfishly wanted her around still, but I also knew had she lived, her life would never be the same and it would have been horrible for her. I was honestly relieved that she passed before we got there. My last memory of my mom would not be her in a hospital bed.
