So much has happened in the last 11 months. A move, 2 job changes, lifestyle changes. It's a bit overwhelming and I though I was handling it pretty well. Maybe I thought wrong.
I was fine until a few weeks ago when I went to visit my mom. Visiting family always stresses me out. It is not my mom necessarily that stresses me out (although she sure knows how to push my buttons sometimes), it is my 32 year old brother that still lives at home and destroys my mother's sanity and world. There is so much baggage that surround that whole scene that it is stressful and my visits are merely out of formality and becoming less and less out of desire.
I have not been the same since my visit there. I think they broke me. I have been depressed, angry, frustrated. I have been eating worse, working out less, and feeling like I am losing it. I guess that is my main purpose in finally writing today; to get it all out.
You know when you know something is good for you, but somehow you avoid it or rebel against doing it? It is kind of self destructive. I think that is where I have been lately. While I am reaching out to do more at work, I am getting more frustrated at the inconsistencies that surround my job. Undocumented "guidelines" of how things need to be done, but when asking for something to reference, being brushed aside. So when normal me would take those problems and start creating a document (being a problem solver), instead I am venting how frustrating it is to never have such a thing. While I buy food to create delicious meals at home, I am "not in the mood" to make them and ordering out bad food like pizza and wings. When I join a gym that is 3 blocks from work and I truly enjoy going to and feel so awesome afterwards, I skip one of the 2 classes that I tell myself I am going to attend for the week. Once this was because I was so anxious and probably on the verge of having a panic attack, the thought of being around people freaked me out.
In each instance, it is something that is self destructive. When I don't just create the document at work, it hurts my work performance, creates another scenario where I can make the same mistake and be corrected again, and does not show the initiative that I normally display in my workplace. It stops people from seeing my capabilities and talents. When I make poor food choices, not only do I waste money, I treat my body poorly. I don't give it the nutrition that it needs to succeed. I feel worse, am tired more often, and it effects my mood. Similarly, when I don't hit the gym, I am missing out on exercise, much needed stress relief, and some good ol' endorphins. All things that I feel sort of destroy parts of my existence from the inside out.
So now that it is out there, what do I do? It is easy to say, "Fix it. Make those changes at work you know you need to. Eat better. Go to the gym." But somehow when you feel this way, it is much much harder to do that it is to say. Maybe this it is. Maybe this blog is the first step to recovery! HAHA. Not that this is a 12 step program (because those are shit anyhow), but maybe "Admitting that you have a problem is the first step". Maybe realizing what my triggers are to make me feel this way is the next. Maybe learning to thwart them when they are happening is the way to stop this from happening in the future. The only thing I do know is that it is doing a disservice to myself, my partner, and the friends that I am inadvertently avoiding because I don't want to be social. I guess it is time to start the repair.
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