National Coming Out Day

So with it being National Coming Out Day, I feel that to all my readers (all 4 of you) that I am gay. There. Done.

It has been over 16 years since I "came out of the closet". The hardest part, of course, was coming out to myself. With the help of a high school friend, it made it easier. I thought the worst part was over, admitting it, but then who knew that the majority of the people who I loved and thought would love me regardless of my sexual orientation deserted me. I should have known better. The majority of them were heavily religious in the Mormon religion (I came out in Salt Lake City about a year after returning from a Mormon mission). The biggest surprise of course is that the friends I thought would abandon me, stayed (even to this day) and those I thought would stay were the first to disappear.

Also happening at this time of realization was my parents divorce, not making my stress level any better. Plus, with a family in disarray, it was obvious I couldn't come out to them. I don't think I could have handled more rejection and stress from that. I did however come out to my mom. It was a few month after I came out to myself and friends. It was summertime. She was up visiting and staying with my sister. My sister made some ignorant comment about something that had me on the emotional defensive. I had to leave and sit in the car. While out there, my mom came to see if I was ok and I was obviously not. I am not one to hold in my feelings, so I spilled them right there. It was uncomfortable. REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. My mom's reaction was to tell me I better not ever tell the family (because in my family, everything it kept secret [because that is so healthy]). I told her I would not say anything, but, if they ever asked me, I was not going to lie.

It was 1997, right after Princess Diana died. I was staying at my mom's. My Mormon sister was down that weekend too. Some news thing came on about gay pride or something. My sister cornered me. She knew. She said all the siblings had been questioning my sexuality for years. She asked. I didn't lie. She asked what she could do. I told her to not treat me differently. She promised she wouldn't. She lied. My mom flipped the fuck out. Threw a tantrum like a little child. I thought she was going to kill herself the way she was acting as she ran to the car and left. When she returned she refused to let me tell my little brother alone. She insisted she be there. He was unfazed. Said, "Oh, that's all? Ok." Mom was pissed as the lack of his anger about my sexual orientation. The next day was more drama. Sister running off to the neighbors spilling this new news. How mom's favorite son was a fag! Mom was pissed even more. Sis was just being a bitch. I called her husband and left a message  that he needed to come get her because she was not welcome anymore. I threw her bag on the front lawn. More yelling. More screaming. More crying. More emotional scaring. My sister ended up staying. It was uncomfortable, but I was leaving for home the next day. When I got back to Salt Lake, it was time to call my other 2 siblings. My oldest sister said "finally". My oldest brother asked "What makes you gay?" I replied, "The fact that I like men," to which he responded, "Why do you like men?" "Why do you like women?" I said with a dead silent response. "That's why I like men." And the call ended.

I made a great group of friends in Salt Lake. They were supportive, fun, nonjudgmental. Some were gay, some straight and some were still around from my time as a Mormon. It was helpful. It was needed. Leaving Salt Lake City was going to be hard to do since my support system was so great, but I knew I needed to go, build a life elsewhere, away from my family, away from the pain of the friends I lost and would occasionally run into. I was off to Las Vegas.