No Resolutions, but WORDS to live by in 2014

So it is the end of the year, a time when we reflect and see how the last year went and what we hope for the coming one. Often resolutions are made, forgotten or broken and at the end of the year it feels like a failure. I haven't made resolutions in ages and don't plan on now. What I do plan on doing it defining my year with words. Putting the words out there so that I can live them. It was not easy finding the words. You would think it was easier, it is only a word. I tried to think of one, but found 5. Five words that I want my life to reflect this coming year. There is no order of importance. There is only the meaning of them. So I will attempt to not only list them, but define my vision of what they mean for me.

The 5 Words of 2014

1. Love. It is not that I don't love, or love enough, but I think that I don't show it enough to the people I should show it to. I also feel that I don't accept it as much as I should. So love will not only be for people, but for things. Love can bring happiness and contentment as well.

2. Passion. I feel that in the past many years I have not been passionate about anything. I just go day to day "passionless". When I speak of passion I am talking about those things that make you happy that you do. Some have a passion for baking while others have passion for the outdoors. The thing that you love to do that makes you happy, calm and centered. It is my goal to find the passion again. I love to cook, and maybe it is becoming better. Trying new things. Maybe it will be centered around fitness. I am sure I will find it. This is the year to find it.

3. Adventure. I don't think I am boring by any means. I can get bored, but that is by choice to do nothing at times. I want the things that I do do to be full of adventure. No limit as to how big or small the adventure, but it needs to be amazing! Adventure is defined as "an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity." I need more of this in my life. It doesn't have to be hazardous, but it should be unusual and exciting! More of that this coming year!

4. Live. While this one seems obvious, I think people in general don't do it. I find myself finding it "easier" to sit at home, save money, and do nothing, missing out on some of the living of life. The adventures that I seek to fulfil. It is like when Auntie Mame says, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" I want to feast this year! Be gluttonous on what we have in this great city I live in, NO, this world we live in!

5. Fearless. I look back to the fun I had in my 20's. I was poor, but experienced so many things. Took a month off to travel Europe, took a trip with my best friend to England on minimal funds, jumped off cliffs, moved on a whim (which we still do) and lived life without fear. No fear of being broke, no fear of not making rent. I just did things and everything worked itself out later. I miss that part of me. I became responsible, which is not bad, but in doing so, I lost that fearless side of myself. I became fearful. I was in a relationship. All my choices were now going to effect me and someone else. What if my choice was a bad one and now 2 people have to suffer the consequences. I am done with being fearful. I left this word at my number 5 for a reason, because it  will be the catalyst to make the other ones work out.

As the last few days of 2013 pass, I will commit these words for 2014 to memory. Retain the meaning of them in my soul. Remember to live them and do it! It will be a revolutionary new year full of me being FEARLESS!

Thanksgiving...a day to remind ourselves of what we DO have.

I find it interesting that people take the time to be thankful on Facebook each day of this month. It makes me wonder if they think about what they are thankful for on a daily basis. As a child I would say a prayer and I was always "thankful" for the same things each time: my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters, my home, food, etc. But that became a rehearsed "thankful", it lost its sincerity in repetition. Is this how we are now? We repeat what we are supposed to be thankful for that we forget or take for granted what the thanks is really for? Why do we wait in this country to be be thankful for things until November? I guess because in December we focus on those things we don't have and want (thanks commercialized Christmas). Maybe they cancel each other out somehow...

I am not saying that I think about what I am thankful each day, but I do "stop to smell the roses" multiple times each week and think of how fortunate I am for the life I have. I try to tune out the negativity of others while realizing that sometimes it triggers me to be negative. I guess I am thankful for that self-awareness.

There are so many things that I am thankful for this year so in the spirit of the holiday, I will list them out here.

1. Walter. This year we had the pleasure of being married. Nearly 13 years with this wonderful man and he's not sick of me yet. I am difficult sometimes and he knows when to just let it roll off his back. I am thankful for his patience with me and his ability to evolve with me in our life together.

2. The fact that we can now get married. With the fall of DOMA, it allowed us to be married and gain the rights that we should have had for ages now. I also had the privilege to officiate the wedding of my best friend and his husband. Amazing!

3. My family. Most of them anyway. I do love them all, but some just piss me off regularly and some I don't even talk to. But I somehow still love them all and do care about their lives and well being.

4. My friends. This year has been especially hard since we left many wonderful friends in Austin, who I miss terribly, and have been on the search for new friends in Chicago. We have been fortunate to find some great friends here and many good acquaintances as well. Hopefully this next year we will be able to build stronger relationships with those and acquire some new as well.

5. My job. While I am sometimes in turmoil about what I want to be when I grow up, I am lucky that I work for a company who allows you to explore your passions and try new things.

6. The city I live in. It is a new city and so much to explore and enjoy. As I walk to work and see a building I have not noticed before, or some beautiful architectural detail, I am reminded I live in a city with beauty and rich history.

7. My mind. While sometimes I think I have lost it, I am thankful that it functions and serves me in many aspects of my life. It keeps me calm and self-aware. It sometimes runs too much and interrupts my sleep, but better than it not going at all and becoming stagnant.

8. My physical movement. I am made so much more aware, especially as I age, that the ability to move and be mobile is so important. I am grateful that I still have this ability and need to focus on keeping it and improving it as I get older.

9. My life. Not the breath I have that allows me to live, but everything that surrounds me. I am fortunate to have the things I need, the money to buy things I want. A warm comfortable place to live. Wonderful people to surround me. The eyes to see the beauty around, the ears to hear the sounds of the birds and the city,  and the heart to appreciate what I see and hear. And most importantly, a companion to share it all with.

There are so many more details that I could add to this. So many more things to list, but why list them? I need to think of them regularly, throughout the year. Be thankful that I wake up each morning and thankful I can walk to work each day. Thanksgiving should be celebrated regularly, not just on the 4th Thursday of November. I need to stop and appreciate life more often. Smile more. Love more. Laugh more. And be serious less. Being thankful daily should bring these things year round as opposed to this one day each year.

Accepting Even When We Don't Get It

A coworker and I have been chatting a lot about a lot of things. She talks about her daughter a lot and is so proud of her. The other day she walked into work and had a very distressed look on her face. I greeted her with a "good morning" followed by a "how's it going?". She stopped, pondered her answer, and said "My daughter thinks she is supposed to be a boy. We had a long talk about it last night."

So a quick backstory on this, her daughter has thought this since the first grade, so this was not anything new. From the 1st to the 4th grade they would buy her clothes in the boys department, cut her hair short, and allow her to live how she felt she was. WONDERFUL PARENTING in my opinion; letting the child live the life they think they are, only guiding the child to make good decisions, but letting the child keep her individuality. She is now 12.

So when my coworker told me, I felt for this child and her mom. I scooted my chair over so we could talk. The next words that came out of her mouth with some light tears was, "I don't care, I just ache over the pain and confusion that she is going through."

We talked for a good amount of time about finding some support groups. Finding some sort of group to help her daughter see and talk with other transgendered persons. Her daughter still is not 100% that she is a boy, but strongly feels she is. I told her the best part is that she has a supportive mother and father to help her through it all. I reminded her that I don't feel the way her daughter does, so it confuses me just as it confuses her, similarly that I am gay and one who is not cannot understand completely how I feel the way I feel about my sexuality. Her daughter still likes boys, but does not rule girls out either. I joked that she might be a gay man trapped in a woman's body! We giggled and realized that might be fully true! She made me smile the next day when she said "my daughte...err, kid" to adjust her own vernacular on referring to her daughter.

This has caused me to think a lot over the past few days about how healthy it is to accept, even when you don't understand and will never comprehend. This can apply to so many things we experience in life. Not accepting people for silly things that don't matter is damaging. Parents are the worst offenders and psychologically damage us all the time. If it is the little boy in pre-school wanting to wear a dress at playtime and being shamed for it by ANY adult (teacher or parent) or in my case, being gay and tired of living the lie. It still hurts when those close to you or who you look up to are unaccepting of who you are. The reaction that you have, be it yanking the boy to the back and pulling the dress off him yelling at him how only girls wear dresses, or having such an issue that I am gay the you stop talking to me completely is a bad one. The damage still occurs.

It is really not hard to just accept someone for who they are. People complicate it more than it should be. They bring outside influences in when it should just be a natural human response of "ok, that is how you are, and this is how I am, and we are all different, and while I don't understand that aspect of you, I still think you are wonderful and love you". It is really that simple. I know it is easier said than done. So many things brainwash our minds into what to believe; religion, community, culture, media, etcetera. It is time we took our humanity back and listen to our pure hearts. Strip all the crap off. Be like children who don't know and don't care that something is socially demonized or stigmatized. Let's just start caring in the right, supportive, loving way. The human way.

My First Same Sex Wedding

So I went to my first same sex wedding last week. It so happened that it was my own!

My gay wedding virginity was originally going to be broken by officiating my best friends wedding last Saturday, but with the changes in the Federal Government and IRS guidelines, my partner and I decided to elope while in California. We had discussed it for years and decided once it was Federally recognized, we would do it. So we did. It was highly encouraged by my friend, so we decided to do it enough in advance that it didn't come near to his nuptials. We flew into San Diego on Tuesday, and by that afternoon we had our wedding license. Wednesday, after our friend were off work, a couple family members who wanted to drive in to attend, and my other best friend from Salt Lake City flew in, we wed on a beach in La Jolla. It was small, only 9 of us total. It was perfect though. More than I imagined, and admittedly, I didn't imagine much.

When a gay boy grows up, in my generation and before, you don't have dreams of getting married. You have worries of "what happens if one of us dies and the other's parents/family comes to take everything?" "What will happen if he goes into the hospital and his family, who does not agree with him being gay, decided to have my blocked from visiting him?" Some have a faux security that they had a "commitment ceremony", something I have never agreed with. That does not stop family from coming in and taking over, because you, technically, are not your partner's family. After all the years Walter and I have been together, if you don't know we are committed, then you're a fucking idiot. I don't need a ceremony for that. But a wedding, the untouchable has been granted. It's so new. The thoughts of one day the possibility of getting married are now a reality. We finally have the same rights as everyone else, and no matter what the State says, the Feds now say we are the same. Equal.

We knew this was something that would not really change how we have lived for the last 13 years, and I don't think it changed my feelings toward him, but it did change something. Something more than the legalities and the rights we gained. I can't tell if it is an emotion, a feeling, a bond, but something is slightly different.

It freaked our parents out, but I don't care. It is not about them, but about us. They can live their lives how they want to, and we live ours how we chose. I still have not told all of my family. I am sure some found out on Facebook and the others will found out through converstation. I did find it interesting how the majority my Mormon friends from high school didn't post any congratulatory comments towards us or even "liked" anything (given, a few did). I guess I forget how for some, the outpouring of love and support have to fall within certain dogmatic guidelines. And that is ok. That is why I don't go to church, so I don't have someone telling me what to believe about things and how to hate under the guise of love. I respect those who believe what is in their heart, their humanity, what goes against their preacher, but still keep their belief in whatever god they believe in.

There will be one wonderful day in the future where it is not going to be called a same sex wedding, but just a wedding. It stopped with "bi-racial weddings" so I have faith it will end with "same sex weddings" as well.

Now comes the challenge of remembering to call him my "husband" rather than "partner".

National Coming Out Day

So with it being National Coming Out Day, I feel that to all my readers (all 4 of you) that I am gay. There. Done.

It has been over 16 years since I "came out of the closet". The hardest part, of course, was coming out to myself. With the help of a high school friend, it made it easier. I thought the worst part was over, admitting it, but then who knew that the majority of the people who I loved and thought would love me regardless of my sexual orientation deserted me. I should have known better. The majority of them were heavily religious in the Mormon religion (I came out in Salt Lake City about a year after returning from a Mormon mission). The biggest surprise of course is that the friends I thought would abandon me, stayed (even to this day) and those I thought would stay were the first to disappear.

Also happening at this time of realization was my parents divorce, not making my stress level any better. Plus, with a family in disarray, it was obvious I couldn't come out to them. I don't think I could have handled more rejection and stress from that. I did however come out to my mom. It was a few month after I came out to myself and friends. It was summertime. She was up visiting and staying with my sister. My sister made some ignorant comment about something that had me on the emotional defensive. I had to leave and sit in the car. While out there, my mom came to see if I was ok and I was obviously not. I am not one to hold in my feelings, so I spilled them right there. It was uncomfortable. REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. My mom's reaction was to tell me I better not ever tell the family (because in my family, everything it kept secret [because that is so healthy]). I told her I would not say anything, but, if they ever asked me, I was not going to lie.

It was 1997, right after Princess Diana died. I was staying at my mom's. My Mormon sister was down that weekend too. Some news thing came on about gay pride or something. My sister cornered me. She knew. She said all the siblings had been questioning my sexuality for years. She asked. I didn't lie. She asked what she could do. I told her to not treat me differently. She promised she wouldn't. She lied. My mom flipped the fuck out. Threw a tantrum like a little child. I thought she was going to kill herself the way she was acting as she ran to the car and left. When she returned she refused to let me tell my little brother alone. She insisted she be there. He was unfazed. Said, "Oh, that's all? Ok." Mom was pissed as the lack of his anger about my sexual orientation. The next day was more drama. Sister running off to the neighbors spilling this new news. How mom's favorite son was a fag! Mom was pissed even more. Sis was just being a bitch. I called her husband and left a message  that he needed to come get her because she was not welcome anymore. I threw her bag on the front lawn. More yelling. More screaming. More crying. More emotional scaring. My sister ended up staying. It was uncomfortable, but I was leaving for home the next day. When I got back to Salt Lake, it was time to call my other 2 siblings. My oldest sister said "finally". My oldest brother asked "What makes you gay?" I replied, "The fact that I like men," to which he responded, "Why do you like men?" "Why do you like women?" I said with a dead silent response. "That's why I like men." And the call ended.

I made a great group of friends in Salt Lake. They were supportive, fun, nonjudgmental. Some were gay, some straight and some were still around from my time as a Mormon. It was helpful. It was needed. Leaving Salt Lake City was going to be hard to do since my support system was so great, but I knew I needed to go, build a life elsewhere, away from my family, away from the pain of the friends I lost and would occasionally run into. I was off to Las Vegas.

Autumn Has Arrived!

As Autumn is slowing rolling in, it feels as if it is a completely new experience. It has been about 16 years since I experienced the Autumn season. Living in Las Vegas and then Austin didn't lend much to any seasonal change. Sure it cooled down. But rarely was there change in leaf color, days of rain, and snow, well, that was just an anomaly when it did show up for the meer hours it lay on the ground. I am excited for the fall. I am excited for the cool weather, the jackets I get to wear, the colors changing. I am excited for the fall treats like pumpkin everything, soups and stews, grey days that you just want to cuddle under a blanket and watch movies.

I am sure I am romanticizing everything about the fall. I am sure I will crave sunshine soon. I am sure that putting on a jacket will become annoying and warm, then cold, then warm again as I go in and out from the elements. I am liking the romance of the season though. I am basking in it as much as I can until the reality sets in. We went apple picking for the first time to get some fruit for pies. The first pumpkin was purchased for a friend to carve for the very first time. I have been wearing jackets, wanting for scarf shopping, and purchased some gloves in preparation for that first bitter cold day. I must admit, I check the weather each morning as I get dressed to see if I can still wear shorts to work, and I do wear them when I can. My windows at home are more closed than open and I am sure they will be completely shut in the next week or two. The fans and A/C are off too and it is still a nice temperature in the house. This is unusual because in Austin or Vegas, this would not happen until late December or January.

I am excited for this new/old experience to happen. I am basking in it as much as I can. Bring on the season that starts the holidays!!

Did They Break Me?

After realizing last night that it has been 11 months since my last post, I figure I better get my ass moving and write something. God knows I need the therapy I get from writing!

So much has happened in the last 11 months. A move, 2 job changes, lifestyle changes. It's a bit overwhelming and I though I was handling it pretty well. Maybe I thought wrong. 

I was fine until a few weeks ago when I went to visit my mom. Visiting family always stresses me out. It is not my mom necessarily that stresses me out (although she sure knows how to push my buttons sometimes), it is my 32 year old brother that still lives at home and destroys my mother's sanity and world. There is so much baggage that surround that whole scene that it is stressful and my visits are merely out of formality and becoming less and less out of desire.

I have not been the same since my visit there. I think they broke me. I have been depressed, angry, frustrated. I have been eating worse, working out less, and feeling like I am losing it. I guess that is my main purpose in finally writing today; to get it all out.

You know when you know something is good for you, but somehow you avoid it or rebel against doing it? It is kind of self destructive. I think that is where I have been lately. While I am reaching out to do more at work, I am getting more frustrated at the inconsistencies that surround my job. Undocumented "guidelines" of how things need to be done, but when asking for something to reference, being brushed aside. So when normal me would take those problems and start creating a document (being a problem solver), instead I am venting how frustrating it is to never have such a thing. While I buy food to create delicious meals at home, I am "not in the mood" to make them and ordering out bad food like pizza and wings. When I join a gym that is 3 blocks from work and I truly enjoy going to and feel so awesome afterwards, I skip one of the 2 classes that I tell myself I am going to attend for the week. Once this was because I was so anxious and probably on the verge of having a panic attack, the thought of being around people freaked me out.

 In each instance, it is something that is self destructive. When I don't just create the document at work, it hurts my work performance, creates another scenario where I can make the same mistake and be corrected again, and does not show the initiative that I normally display in my workplace. It stops people from seeing my capabilities and talents. When I make poor food choices, not only do I waste money, I treat my body poorly. I don't give it the nutrition that it needs to succeed. I feel worse, am tired more often, and it effects my mood. Similarly, when I don't hit the gym, I am missing out on exercise, much needed stress relief, and some good ol' endorphins. All things that I feel sort of destroy parts of my existence from the inside out.

So now that it is out there, what do I do? It is easy to say, "Fix it. Make those changes at work you know you need to. Eat better. Go to the gym." But somehow when you feel this way, it is much much harder to do that it is to say. Maybe this it is. Maybe this blog is the first step to recovery! HAHA. Not that this is a 12 step program (because those are shit anyhow), but maybe "Admitting that you have a problem is the first step". Maybe realizing what my triggers are to make me feel this way is the next. Maybe learning to thwart them when they are happening is the way to stop this from happening in the future. The only thing I do know is that it is doing a disservice to myself, my partner, and the friends that I am inadvertently avoiding because I don't want to be social. I guess it is time to start the repair.

New Year...Exciting Future

So I am trying to change. I know I want to write in my blog more. I want to get my thoughts out. I want to keep this online journal more up to date with my happenings. It is New Years Day. I am a bit tired from last night. I am being hit with allergies to where my scratchy, watering eyes are making me want to poke them out, but...I am going to write in my blog more so what better day to start and quit the excuses!

I keep hearing so many friend and acquaintances talking about how horrible 2012 was for them. I can't say mine was all bad. I actually think it went well. I have a job I really like, went on 3 trips out of the state, celebrated 12 years with Walter and, for the most part, and really happy.

It was the last quarter of 2012 where things got interesting though. Both Walter and I felt the itch for a change. We don't know why, but we did. So we started looking at locations. I wanted to find a place where there was a regional office for my job so I could hopefully keep doing what I am doing. We also wanted a place where Walter could further and succeed in his career. This meant a retail centered city. Ideally we wanted to live in San Diego. I had hinted with my boss that we wanted to move there. This came after our trip to see our best friends for a week who live there. We loved it. It was amazing. The universe had a different agenda though. While scrolling through regional office locations, Chicago popped up. Chicago. Humm, not somewhere I ever thought to move. I had been there back when I was 24, almost 15 years ago. Walter, never. Something felt right, to both of us. We we set our sights there. Walter started checking transfer options. I started looking at jobs at the office there. We both started talking to people about it. Telling friends of the option, and taking info about the city where we could. Then I booked a flight to go there.

It was instant love on the drizzling day we arrived. It was awesome. Real winter weather, public transportation, city life. It was somehow what we desired, but didn't know it until then. It took a matter of a few hours to know, and feel, that this was our next stop on our life adventure. We spent the first day taking it all in. The second we spent checking out potential neighborhoods (always something good to do since we probably would not be flying out again to find a place). The last day we saw more sights and bid a sad farewell to the city we would soon call home.

A little anxiety set in, knowing what we needed to figure out next. We have no current savings. We don't owe much on credit cards (fortunately), but are kind of cash poor also. It was time to set a budget. It was also time to figure out our work. Walter sent and email immediately to his boss. I, however, needed to wait another week to talk to mine who was out on leave. Everything seemed positive. My boss was all up for me working remotely. She just needed to talk it over with her boss. Walter's district manager was excited for the idea and with a change in a store, it looked highly likely it would happen.

A few days ago I got a call. My working remotely was not approved. Blah blah blah is basically what I heard after that. All I could think of then was that I needed to update my resume and get to hunting. So I did; immediately. I found a few good prospects, just needed the resume to be done. Fortunately this was a Friday and I had a whole weekend to start. Resume update, edit, rewrite. Linked In update, looking for business partners, searching jobs. Then Sunday came. Walter found out the transfer would not be happening. Decision time. Do we still follow our gut? or do we stay in Austin and keep going as we are going. And the winner is....GUT!

We know we have received all the wonderful things we needed from Austin and our guts are telling us to take the next step. What's the fun is there is no bump in the road. Job hunting continues, onward and upward!

So this should be the time where I put out to the universe what I want in a job while I am searching, so here it is:

- I want to work for a company that treats their employees like they are important, because they are. Whether I stay with Whole Foods, or move to another company, this is a must and something I have now that I do not want to give up.
- I want to love my job and feel my job finds me an important part of them. Their success is based on me and my success on them.
- I want a fairly casual work environment. Jeans and t-shirt would be great, shorts even. I am fine with jeans and a button up shirt (no tie).
- I want to be compensated properly for what I will be doing. This also includes paid holidays (if I leave WFM) and a generous amount of vacation and personal time. Medical, dental and vision also as well as some nice fringe benefits.
- I want a job where I can grow and improve my skills and given the empowerment to do so.
- I want to have this in place before the end of March 2013.

I think my list is shorter this time, but these are the important things that I want.

I am not sure what 2013 is going to bring, but I feel it is going to be awesome and exciting! I look forward to the new challenges and experiences this year has in store.