My Christmas Alone

Some would say spending Christmas day alone is sad. People keep telling me they're sorry I am alone today. I have actually had a great time. It has been a time to remember, contemplate, and miss people. I am enjoying it.

Sometimes we must remember that life needs to slow down. We need to take the time to remember our loved ones and realize how much they really mean to us.

Last night I spent the evening with good friends and were able to meet their family. It was wonderful to put faces to the names I have heard talk about for so many years. It was special. After I came home to my empty house. I sat hoping that Walter was having a wonderful time with his family and how much I missed him. I thought of my own family and now much I missed them. This caused me to pop in the old family movies we had transferred to DVD a few years back. It was nice to watch memories from childhood. I started to tear up at the sight and sound of my grandparents who died when I was 12. I missed them. I still miss them. I saw how my siblings carried the same traits as children as they do now and realized why my one sister and I still don't talk. Saw how my baby brother had everything done for him then as he still does now at age 31. What I saw mainly, was how my mother tried to make every holiday special. How she tried to keep everyone at peace. How she was most happy when her family was around her. She had the sparkle of love in her eyes and happiness in her smile that I have not seen in a long time. She smiles and her eyes glimmer when I see her, but I can only imagine what it could be like with all of her kids and grand kids around, getting along, not backbiting and saying negative things about each other...kind of like how it was when we were young.

I know those day have long since been exhausted. We have each went our separate directions. We have each made our good and bad choices (and good and bad are subjective depending on which sibling you talk to). We each live our separate lives and rarely, if ever come into contact. I only hope my mom can see us all in loving harmony at least one more time before she dies. Right now, with everyone, I don't think it is possible. Just with 2 or 3 of us together there is complaining. I think the most harmonious it has been is when my oldest brother and I were out helping my mom and we were getting along and being respectful of each other. If my little brother were not being such an asshole, it could have been more harmonious. You can't have a conversation with my sister without her complaining about something (usually about my little brother). I don't even talk to my other sister. I have a feeling that my nieces and nephews will be the ones to bring the family closer, them and time. Time to realize that we all need to get over the petty shit and just love each other for who we are, good, bad, and differences.

And back to my original thought....sorry to have strayed, but I am filled with a lot of emotions today and this is an outlet to free them. But back to missing people...I miss Walter. I do. He is such a part of my life, it takes times like these when we are apart for me to remember how much I love having him in my life. How much I appreciate his presence. How much he means to me. I probably do not say it enough to him. I need to work on that. But I adore him. He is my life, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my partner, my only love, and the person who challenges me to be my best.

I needed this Christmas alone to remember all these things. To appreciate all these things. To put it out there and hope for better things to come. Christmas may not be as perfect as it was when I was a child, but I am glad. Christmas is now more about the memories and the present than it is about the presents. I am truly a lucky man to have such a wonderful life, stresses and all. Merry Christmas.

What Are My Core Values?

At work we focus a lot on our core values as a company. I shapes how we do business and forms our business practices. It got me thinking, what are my core values?

It does not seem like a hard question! But when you have to actually think of them and write them down it is a bit harder, so as I write this, I am thinking and forming my thoughts as to what my personal core values are.

1. Be accepting of everyone. It should to matter whether you agree with others morals, values, cultures, religions, etc., but to accept them as a human being with human feelings and emotions. Just because I am accepting of you does not mean I believe what you do, nor will always agree or sit back wile you do something I thinks wrong. On that note, I will not bash your choice to belong to a religion because if it works for you and makes you feel better then that's you. In return, don't think that it should work for me or others. I also will not bash your right to be monogamous, polyamorous, celibate, open relationshipped, asexual, etc. If it works for you and you are happy, then good for you, but again, don't go telling others they are wrong for having a relationship that works differently from yours. As humans we have the ability and right to define our personal relationships how we like to. We may make mistakes along the way, but as with any process, you have to try things to see if they work and improve. I also value education. Be educated in your decisions, choices, and dealings. No bad has ever come from people being knowledgeable.

2. Don't be toxic to others. It's one that I think is important. You affect people in so many ways on a moment to moment basis. A smile at a grocery store. A hello to a security guard. A good morning too coworker. These little interactions effect people. Make sure they're having a positive effect.

3. Be humble yet strong. Just because you are strong does not mean you need to be overbearing as well. A strong person is not one who walks over everyone to get what they want. A strong person should not be one that is feared. A strong person, to me, is one that can make good decisions that are well thought out and produce positive results. I strong person also can rely on others to bring a good balance. A strong person is humble and grateful also.

4. Don't change to please others or be accepted by them. Change to be a better you. Make changes that you find will improve your health, your spirit, your soul. If there is hate included in those changes, you may want to rethink the change you are making. This includes self hate and hatred of other persons or peoples.

5. keep learning. Learn what you are interested in. Keep doing it to keep your brain working and refreshed. Relish new thoughts.

I think that those are the core of everything. If I keep those going, the trickle down will have an effect on everything else in my life. Some of these, while I believe them completely, which is why they are a core value to me, I may struggle with. I am only human after all.

Blunt Sexuality Talk - read at your own risk

I named this blog that because I don't want anyone complaining about what is appropriate and what is not to talk about ON MY OWN BLOG. So here is another warning, don't want to hear about sex or sexuality, close your browser now. This is your last warning.

So last night Walter and I went to Bearaccuda. It is a "Bear" circuit party. We were not sure what to expect, not sure how to dress, what we would see, etc. It was quite the experience. That's not really what I want to talk about, but it does have bearing on what I am going to talk about.

So here we are, at a party with hot men, a lot shirtless, including ourselves (it was really fucking hot and my shirt unbuttoned one button at a time the hotter I got and Walter's came fully off once it was so wet it was sticking to him. He said it was really liberating since he has never taken his shirt off at a club before...baby steps). Anyhow, I was having a great time, but very somber. It was not a problem. I can have fun when in a somber mood. I did however get to thinking how I was surrounded by hot men and, let's just say, my naughty parts were not tingling. I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Now, if you read this far, good, but what I am about to say now might be against many peoples value system, so again, stop reading or if you read on, don't judge...open, blunt sexuality talk here.

(EDITED OUT SO SOME PEOPLE DONT FREAK OUT BECAUSE THEY COULD NOT HANDLE READING THIS AND WOULD NOT STOP). So as I am dancing and looking around, I am hoping that this does not happen. Seriously! ME! HOPING THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN? Who does that?! It was then I knew something was wrong with me!

I know what is wrong with me. Well, at least I think I know what is wrong with me. The correlation is easy. It makes total sense. As I started gaining weight and becoming less fit, my sex drive went down. So to spell it out: weight up, sex down. Not something I want to admit, but here it is. I am fat and not horny. Wow...there it is in black and white now. Fully admitted. Fully out there. Fully embarrassing. To bring it further, I am sure my lack of fitness is also contributing to my lack of energy, lack of motivation...the list can just keep going on. I don't mean to blame all my problems on my weight/fitness level, but it makes sense. I would blame it on age, and that could be part of it, but that I cannot change. My weight I can.

I was listening to Jillian Michael's Podcast. It is actually pretty good and has many good things to say. There was a person who called in and was talking to her and she asked them, "Why do you want to be fit/thin/healthy?" They gave the skimmed off the top answers. She did not accept them and asked again and again until they gave her the deep real answer that cut to the core. She then asked them why do they deserve to be fit/thin/healthy. You'd think it would be an easy answer. It is not. I have thought about it for week. I can't even tell you why I do deserve it, but I am going to try.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Here we go.

I deserve it because:

• I am fucking awesome. I deserve to feel awesome about my self every day.
• I deserve to feel like I look awesome in the clothes I wear.
• I deserve to feel great when I am naked.
• I deserve to be horny!
• I deserve to have excellent sexual interactions without the use of a pill.
• I deserve to be healthy inside and out. My skin should look healthy. My insides should be relaxed and "flowing" properly.
• I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin and rather than accept being overweight and out of breath, take control of it and say FUCK YOU to it! I don't let toxic people stay in my life, why should I let a toxic lifestyle.
• I deserve to be happy. Not that I am unhappy, but I am not ecstatic about life all the time. I deserve to be ecstatic about life.
• I deserve to live as long as I can.
• I deserve to spend the best of me with Walter. I don't want him to miss out on things because I can't do it.
• I deserve it because it is my life and why not want the best one!

There it is. I deserve it. I know I am still attractive. I know Walter loves me and it attracted to me, but when I am not attracted to myself, it is hard to hear the compliments of Walter and take them seriously. I know he is genuine, but my insecurities jump in there and blow the compliments off. This is a time for it to begin.

Me and the Coffee Shop

So it has been quite some time since I hit a coffee shop with my laptop. I don't know why I have not taken the time. Maybe it was the unhooking of the laptop from all the stuff on my desk. It could be that I am quite comfortable at home. It might be that I spend so many hours everyday on a computer that last thing I want to do in my free time is spend it on a computer. Whatever it is, it needs to change.

Here I sit at Dominican Joe's sipping on a bottomless cup of coffee, blogging. I am thoroughly enjoying it. No distractions of home. At home, while there is not many things that need to be done, I get distracted. The office is cool and lonely, quiet and boring. There is something about being in a coffee shop that start my juices flowing. I want to write. I want to be creative. I want to do more that just mindlessly surf the web. I miss doing this and need to do it more. Maybe keep my laptop with me so after work I can go do this or just take my work laptop with me so I can do this spur of the moment.

Anyhow, not much of a post in this, just more open thoughts to myself.

Tipping - The madness is out of control

Just getting back from Italy made me again realize how much we tip in this country, AND how many people EXPECT to be tipped for doing their jobs. In my eyes, few people actually should be tipped; Wait staff in restaurants, bartenders, valet parkers (if the valet is free), someone who goes out of their work norm like a bagger who helps you out with your groceries and puts them in your car for you, cleaning staff at a hotel.

Generally, in Europe it is insulting to tip. It means you feel they are poor and need the money. Their culture is that a server, is a server, was trained and schooled to be a server, and is paid a fair wage by the restaurant they work for. Same with a hairstylist, etc. There are some things, like students during the summer time working at a gas station pumping gas that are working solely on tips from generous patrons. This is fine to tip as, like above, it is out of the norm what they are doing.

I was online the other day reading a Groupon deal or something like that about a laser hair removal deal. This is what started my slight rant over tipping. I was reading the deal on the vendor's webpage and read "Please tip on the actual cost of the service, not the discounted amount". I thought to myself, "You have to tip someone to get laser hair removal? Aren't you paying enough to the over priced treatment anyway? (Mind you, the sale was $149 for $600 worth of treatment. To me that just shows how grossly marked up that process is.) Then I started thinking, who the hell else are we going to have to start tipping now?

It's bad enough when you walk into a fast food place (not that I am there often) and they have a tip jar sitting there. ARE YOU KIDDING! YOU MAKE FUCKING HAMBURGERS FOR YOUR JOB. YOU ARE NOT EVEN DELIVERING THEM TO MY TABLE AND YOU WANT A FUCKING TIP?? I find it overly offensive that I am expected to tip when I get a hair cut. You want more money? Then charge more for the haircut. I think it is ridiculous that I pay $30 for a haircut, on my shaved head, easiest cut ever, and then am expected to tip for 10 minutes of their time on top of the overpriced charge. Then if you are at a fancier salon you tip the person washing your hair too? Are you kidding? Isn't that their fucking job to just wash hair all day? WOW! What a super skill to tip on! When I did go regularly to get my hair cut, I did get treatment above and beyond that I did feel a tip was due. I had a hot towel on my face, a light facial massage and neck massage, all ABOVE AND BEYOND just getting a hair cut.

But what's next? Will it be customary to tip your nurse and doctor now? Dentist and his hygienist? Cashiers at stores? Plumbers who make $30+ an hour plus a trip charge, plus a truck charge, plus markup on material? Fuck, tip me people! I make sure you get paid! That is a service worth giving money for!

We are just out of control in this country with tipping. People who don't do anything worthy of it want it, people who do a job that should be tipped expect it (even if they give shitty service), and people who go out feel they have to pay it. We I say fuck that! Make a choice people. Tip and tip well when it is deserved! But tip those who deserve it. Tip based off your service, not a percentage (I tip well over 20% most times, but on shitty service I will go under 10%). I am just saying, stop over tipping. Not in the way of leaving a great tip for someone deserving, but stop tipping the taco bell workers for making you a taco. Just stop tipping people who really do nothing but what they are hired and paid to do. Stop the madness!

6 Courses of Memories

If you could have a Top Chef challenge based on the most memorable food experiences in your relationship to make a six course meal, what would those important meals be?

For Walter and I, it would go something like this:

Course 1: based on our first date, the inspiration for the first course would be from a simple taco salad. It was our first date and we did not know what to do, so we decided to rent a movie and buy some food and enjoy an evening at Walter's apartment. It was then where Walter told me to make sure the lettuce was torn into "bite sized pieces", a joke we still bring up from time to time.

Course 2: bases on our first Valentines Day, it would be a Caribbean Chicken. Walter decided to cook dinner for our first Vday. He took me to work and took my car to go buy all the stuff. He would not tell me what he was making, but was sure proud of it. He showed up to pick me up with orange hair, a dying accident gone array. We enjoyed his meal and then headed to go see the Blue Man Group.

Course 3: is based on our find of the Heidelberg Cafe, our local German food restaurant in Las Vegas. We had the Jägerschnitzel. We would frequent this place for a few years, never forgetting Harold, the owners husband, and his kindness and handsome charm.

Course 4: is a theft from 9Steakhouse in the Palms Hotel. When Dallas moved to San Diego, we got the privilege to host our dear friend Zak at our house when he came to Vegas. While visiting, he would take us to a lovely meal and the most memorable one was at 9 Steakhouse. It was a dinner for two that included a bone-in porterhouse for two and lobster mashed potatoes. I was awesome and the potatoes brought us to our knees!

Course 5: there was no party as successful as the parties that Albert cooked for. His spring rolls, asian noodles, and won ton wrapped shrimps are never forgotten but remembered as some of the best party food we ever had. That's the inspiration for this course.

The 6th and final course would be nothing better than dessert. It seems like a staple in our late night Vegas cravings and something we would travel across town for to find a casino cafe that had a delicious one for us to devour; the brownie with vanilla ice-cream and whipped cream. We usually ended up at either Arizona Charlies or Texas Station for this late night treat.

32 Things I Learned While On Vacation

1. Always let others plan their own accomidations

2. When traveling with a group, make known that you might want to slip away to do other things

3. When going to Italy, fly in and out of Rome and make side trips accordingly

4. American travelers/Americans living in foreign countries are whiny little bitches. Avoid them at all costs

5. Learn basic phrases before you get there and make friends with the people and have them help you with your phrases

6. Ask the locals where they like to eat. It is usually the best food.

7. Don't eat near tourist spots in Rome

8. Just because an American lives there does not mean they know best. The usually know what is most familiar to them from America. Go local!

9. Be nice to those serving you. A smile and kind word could get you a better seat or more service, a discount on merchandise or food. Just be kind in general.

10. Drink lots of water.

11. Take lots of pictures

12. Keep a daily journal so you remember the experience and be honest so you remember the good and the bad.

13. Try - try the food, the language, to communicate even if it is hard. It will make the experience much better and you might just like something new.

14. Never judge a book by it's cover. Be cautious, but don't be ignorant. Grafitti does not make a bad neighborhood just like a nice handbag does not make you classy.

15. Be accepting of things that are not familiar to you. Just because it is not your norm does not make it bad

16. Be patient - at the airport, train station, restaurant, with others you travel with. No need to make drama when you are on vacation.

17. Wear the right shoes. Nothing worse that hardly being able to walk due to massive blisters on our feet.

18. Travel with people who have similar interests as you. If you like museums and your travel partner does not, there are going to be problems.

19. Fresh food is awesome.

20. Make sure you can charge all your stuff, bring at least 2 converters.

21. Brings little detergent just in case you need to hand wash some things

22. Cappuccino in the morning, espresso the rest of the day

23. Take the time to have an afternoon espresso.

24. Enjoy you meals. Take the time to eat and savor them

25. Italian food is simple. Simple sauces, simple pastas, simple salads. Food should not be that complicated.

26. Take a full day to just rest each week of travel. You are doing a lot and you need your rest to be able to enjoy it fully.

27. Portions are small, time to savor is long, day to day exercise is crucial.

28. Italian men are just hot.

29. The skin is the proof of good eating. Fat or thin, Italians have healthy glowing skin, and I can see by the fresh whole foods they eat why.

30. Friendships do change. Good friendships change and bend together. Bad friendships bend and snap. Learn to know which are deep and which are shallow.

31. Pack snacks and water. No matter how much you want to eat the local food all the time, sometimes you just need a snack.

32. Duty free cologne testers make up for smelly dirty clothes and no deodorant.

Happy, but sad for and old friend

So I was feeling a bit nostalgic today and decided to look up and old friend...one who opted to stop being my friend because of my sexuality. That aside, I decided to google him and see what he has been up to.

Google pulled up a plethora of things for he and his wife. I was very happy to read that they are highly successful. It looks like there is no lack for money, which is awesome. They both are highly talented in many areas.

In searching though the different pages I did notice that so many things that he wrote were very self centered and egotistical. I was reading things on the outside sounding light hearted, but the whole message was saying, "I am the one making this great, only me. Without me this would not be as awesome." Other statements reflected, "I am so great! No one could be as great and rounded as I am." These themes resonated in everything I read that he typed. It made me sad for him. This was a good friend who, while very talented, was somewhat humble. While he did have bragging rights for accomplishments in his life, it was not so brashly trumpeted to the public as I have seen. The arrogance is saddening but also make me somewhat happy that I am no longer in contact with this type of person.

Is it success that made him so overly arrogant? Or was he like this all along and I just overlooked it all those years ago? I just hope this reflection of him being a complete dick is only how he writes, and not how he actually is, although I fear it is.

To my old friend, I still think you are talented and awesome, but don't be such a dick because you are.