My First Same Sex Wedding

So I went to my first same sex wedding last week. It so happened that it was my own!

My gay wedding virginity was originally going to be broken by officiating my best friends wedding last Saturday, but with the changes in the Federal Government and IRS guidelines, my partner and I decided to elope while in California. We had discussed it for years and decided once it was Federally recognized, we would do it. So we did. It was highly encouraged by my friend, so we decided to do it enough in advance that it didn't come near to his nuptials. We flew into San Diego on Tuesday, and by that afternoon we had our wedding license. Wednesday, after our friend were off work, a couple family members who wanted to drive in to attend, and my other best friend from Salt Lake City flew in, we wed on a beach in La Jolla. It was small, only 9 of us total. It was perfect though. More than I imagined, and admittedly, I didn't imagine much.

When a gay boy grows up, in my generation and before, you don't have dreams of getting married. You have worries of "what happens if one of us dies and the other's parents/family comes to take everything?" "What will happen if he goes into the hospital and his family, who does not agree with him being gay, decided to have my blocked from visiting him?" Some have a faux security that they had a "commitment ceremony", something I have never agreed with. That does not stop family from coming in and taking over, because you, technically, are not your partner's family. After all the years Walter and I have been together, if you don't know we are committed, then you're a fucking idiot. I don't need a ceremony for that. But a wedding, the untouchable has been granted. It's so new. The thoughts of one day the possibility of getting married are now a reality. We finally have the same rights as everyone else, and no matter what the State says, the Feds now say we are the same. Equal.

We knew this was something that would not really change how we have lived for the last 13 years, and I don't think it changed my feelings toward him, but it did change something. Something more than the legalities and the rights we gained. I can't tell if it is an emotion, a feeling, a bond, but something is slightly different.

It freaked our parents out, but I don't care. It is not about them, but about us. They can live their lives how they want to, and we live ours how we chose. I still have not told all of my family. I am sure some found out on Facebook and the others will found out through converstation. I did find it interesting how the majority my Mormon friends from high school didn't post any congratulatory comments towards us or even "liked" anything (given, a few did). I guess I forget how for some, the outpouring of love and support have to fall within certain dogmatic guidelines. And that is ok. That is why I don't go to church, so I don't have someone telling me what to believe about things and how to hate under the guise of love. I respect those who believe what is in their heart, their humanity, what goes against their preacher, but still keep their belief in whatever god they believe in.

There will be one wonderful day in the future where it is not going to be called a same sex wedding, but just a wedding. It stopped with "bi-racial weddings" so I have faith it will end with "same sex weddings" as well.

Now comes the challenge of remembering to call him my "husband" rather than "partner".

National Coming Out Day

So with it being National Coming Out Day, I feel that to all my readers (all 4 of you) that I am gay. There. Done.

It has been over 16 years since I "came out of the closet". The hardest part, of course, was coming out to myself. With the help of a high school friend, it made it easier. I thought the worst part was over, admitting it, but then who knew that the majority of the people who I loved and thought would love me regardless of my sexual orientation deserted me. I should have known better. The majority of them were heavily religious in the Mormon religion (I came out in Salt Lake City about a year after returning from a Mormon mission). The biggest surprise of course is that the friends I thought would abandon me, stayed (even to this day) and those I thought would stay were the first to disappear.

Also happening at this time of realization was my parents divorce, not making my stress level any better. Plus, with a family in disarray, it was obvious I couldn't come out to them. I don't think I could have handled more rejection and stress from that. I did however come out to my mom. It was a few month after I came out to myself and friends. It was summertime. She was up visiting and staying with my sister. My sister made some ignorant comment about something that had me on the emotional defensive. I had to leave and sit in the car. While out there, my mom came to see if I was ok and I was obviously not. I am not one to hold in my feelings, so I spilled them right there. It was uncomfortable. REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. My mom's reaction was to tell me I better not ever tell the family (because in my family, everything it kept secret [because that is so healthy]). I told her I would not say anything, but, if they ever asked me, I was not going to lie.

It was 1997, right after Princess Diana died. I was staying at my mom's. My Mormon sister was down that weekend too. Some news thing came on about gay pride or something. My sister cornered me. She knew. She said all the siblings had been questioning my sexuality for years. She asked. I didn't lie. She asked what she could do. I told her to not treat me differently. She promised she wouldn't. She lied. My mom flipped the fuck out. Threw a tantrum like a little child. I thought she was going to kill herself the way she was acting as she ran to the car and left. When she returned she refused to let me tell my little brother alone. She insisted she be there. He was unfazed. Said, "Oh, that's all? Ok." Mom was pissed as the lack of his anger about my sexual orientation. The next day was more drama. Sister running off to the neighbors spilling this new news. How mom's favorite son was a fag! Mom was pissed even more. Sis was just being a bitch. I called her husband and left a message  that he needed to come get her because she was not welcome anymore. I threw her bag on the front lawn. More yelling. More screaming. More crying. More emotional scaring. My sister ended up staying. It was uncomfortable, but I was leaving for home the next day. When I got back to Salt Lake, it was time to call my other 2 siblings. My oldest sister said "finally". My oldest brother asked "What makes you gay?" I replied, "The fact that I like men," to which he responded, "Why do you like men?" "Why do you like women?" I said with a dead silent response. "That's why I like men." And the call ended.

I made a great group of friends in Salt Lake. They were supportive, fun, nonjudgmental. Some were gay, some straight and some were still around from my time as a Mormon. It was helpful. It was needed. Leaving Salt Lake City was going to be hard to do since my support system was so great, but I knew I needed to go, build a life elsewhere, away from my family, away from the pain of the friends I lost and would occasionally run into. I was off to Las Vegas.

Autumn Has Arrived!

As Autumn is slowing rolling in, it feels as if it is a completely new experience. It has been about 16 years since I experienced the Autumn season. Living in Las Vegas and then Austin didn't lend much to any seasonal change. Sure it cooled down. But rarely was there change in leaf color, days of rain, and snow, well, that was just an anomaly when it did show up for the meer hours it lay on the ground. I am excited for the fall. I am excited for the cool weather, the jackets I get to wear, the colors changing. I am excited for the fall treats like pumpkin everything, soups and stews, grey days that you just want to cuddle under a blanket and watch movies.

I am sure I am romanticizing everything about the fall. I am sure I will crave sunshine soon. I am sure that putting on a jacket will become annoying and warm, then cold, then warm again as I go in and out from the elements. I am liking the romance of the season though. I am basking in it as much as I can until the reality sets in. We went apple picking for the first time to get some fruit for pies. The first pumpkin was purchased for a friend to carve for the very first time. I have been wearing jackets, wanting for scarf shopping, and purchased some gloves in preparation for that first bitter cold day. I must admit, I check the weather each morning as I get dressed to see if I can still wear shorts to work, and I do wear them when I can. My windows at home are more closed than open and I am sure they will be completely shut in the next week or two. The fans and A/C are off too and it is still a nice temperature in the house. This is unusual because in Austin or Vegas, this would not happen until late December or January.

I am excited for this new/old experience to happen. I am basking in it as much as I can. Bring on the season that starts the holidays!!

Did They Break Me?

After realizing last night that it has been 11 months since my last post, I figure I better get my ass moving and write something. God knows I need the therapy I get from writing!

So much has happened in the last 11 months. A move, 2 job changes, lifestyle changes. It's a bit overwhelming and I though I was handling it pretty well. Maybe I thought wrong. 

I was fine until a few weeks ago when I went to visit my mom. Visiting family always stresses me out. It is not my mom necessarily that stresses me out (although she sure knows how to push my buttons sometimes), it is my 32 year old brother that still lives at home and destroys my mother's sanity and world. There is so much baggage that surround that whole scene that it is stressful and my visits are merely out of formality and becoming less and less out of desire.

I have not been the same since my visit there. I think they broke me. I have been depressed, angry, frustrated. I have been eating worse, working out less, and feeling like I am losing it. I guess that is my main purpose in finally writing today; to get it all out.

You know when you know something is good for you, but somehow you avoid it or rebel against doing it? It is kind of self destructive. I think that is where I have been lately. While I am reaching out to do more at work, I am getting more frustrated at the inconsistencies that surround my job. Undocumented "guidelines" of how things need to be done, but when asking for something to reference, being brushed aside. So when normal me would take those problems and start creating a document (being a problem solver), instead I am venting how frustrating it is to never have such a thing. While I buy food to create delicious meals at home, I am "not in the mood" to make them and ordering out bad food like pizza and wings. When I join a gym that is 3 blocks from work and I truly enjoy going to and feel so awesome afterwards, I skip one of the 2 classes that I tell myself I am going to attend for the week. Once this was because I was so anxious and probably on the verge of having a panic attack, the thought of being around people freaked me out.

 In each instance, it is something that is self destructive. When I don't just create the document at work, it hurts my work performance, creates another scenario where I can make the same mistake and be corrected again, and does not show the initiative that I normally display in my workplace. It stops people from seeing my capabilities and talents. When I make poor food choices, not only do I waste money, I treat my body poorly. I don't give it the nutrition that it needs to succeed. I feel worse, am tired more often, and it effects my mood. Similarly, when I don't hit the gym, I am missing out on exercise, much needed stress relief, and some good ol' endorphins. All things that I feel sort of destroy parts of my existence from the inside out.

So now that it is out there, what do I do? It is easy to say, "Fix it. Make those changes at work you know you need to. Eat better. Go to the gym." But somehow when you feel this way, it is much much harder to do that it is to say. Maybe this it is. Maybe this blog is the first step to recovery! HAHA. Not that this is a 12 step program (because those are shit anyhow), but maybe "Admitting that you have a problem is the first step". Maybe realizing what my triggers are to make me feel this way is the next. Maybe learning to thwart them when they are happening is the way to stop this from happening in the future. The only thing I do know is that it is doing a disservice to myself, my partner, and the friends that I am inadvertently avoiding because I don't want to be social. I guess it is time to start the repair.