My Feelings Post Tattoo

So there was something sort of therapeutic about getting this tattoo. I don't feel like a different person, but I do feel different. I feel like I am finally expressing myself and not caring what others will think.

I think that a lot of what held me back from getting a tattoo was the thought of what my mom would say. I know that sounds lame, but that thought is there with so many things. Part of my now does not care. She sees me once or twice a year. It is something she does not agree with, but she doesn't agree with a lot of things in my life: living so far away from her, being gay, not going to church, my facial hair, my haircut, etc. So why do I care about this?

Another thing plaguing me was the permanence of the tattoo. Once its there, it don't go away unless you wanna go through some major pain. That was pretty long term for me. I realized however, that if I liked it, I would never get tired of it.

So back to my feelings post getting it. I feel somehow more confident. I feel a bit more sexy and attractive. I feel a bit more out of the box. Creative. Daring. Rebellious. I feel a little more...me. It is as if the inside me, is now starting to show on the outside. Sure, it started with the Mohawk...but that comes and goes with my mood. This is part of me now. Probably the most expensive piece of art I will ever buy (and the easiest to move). I am excited. I embrace it. I feel like a new chapter has begun!

My New Tattoo

Around fifteen years ago, my friend Derek and I decided we wanted to get some tattoos. We headed to the parlor and picked out the most awesome tribal bands! We were so excited. The excitement ended with the realization we did not have enough cash to pay for these tattoos. We never went back. Thank god we did not since we all know how over done and 90's the tribal bands are/were.

Since then there has been a desire in the back of my mind that I wanted to get one. I didn't know what but would occasionally see others and envy them. I remember the cute Asian blackjack player who frequented my casino and had the coolest Japanese ocean scene on his arm. When I asked him to see the rest, he pulled up his shirt to this beautiful scene. I figured, wow, he took something beautiful from his culture and made it art on his body. What I realize now is that he probably had no cultural connection to it, but liked it, so got it. That has been my problem with deciding on a tattoo to get. I thought it had to have some meaning to me. I decided on a space scape from a picture from the Hubble Telescope. I though, "Hey, I have always been enamored with space since childhood, this will surely  mean something to me!" Then I could not commit to it. I have obvious commitment issues. It is a wonder Walter and I have been together almost 12 years! I knew I wanted one and could not commit to one. I thought the Doctor Who Tardis, a Stormtrooper, Thundercats symbol, were all worthy to be on me. Things I love, show my geekiness, and I don't think I would ever hate or get sick of. What if I had an artist combine them all? Still, the thought, with no commitment. I kept seeing the Japanese style peonies; bright vibrant colors, pinks and oranges, with black clouded backgrounds. They were stunning. I wanted one, but it had no meaning to me other than I thought they were beautiful. Then it hit me..."If I am going to have to look at something the rest of my life, it needs to be beautiful, not meaningful. It is traveling art; something I love to look at all the time. That is the meaning of it. Beauty."

It was Walter's decision, actually, to go get a tattoo on his birthday. Our friend Anthony recommended his tattoo artist. He had recently got one. We noted the name of the parlor and kept it in the back of our minds, Walter more so than I. It was Walter, wanting to get his birthday tattoo and the speedy coming of this birthday that caused him one day to search out an artist. He loved the artist's enthusiasm to come up with the design for him. I didn't meet Cameron until we brought him some cash to start the drawing. When I was looking over his art wall in the shop, I saw he did a lot of the types of work that I wanted. It was then I asked him if he could do it. His excitement went out the roof. Apparently, it was his specialty and he hadn't done it in a very long time. He was so excited to do it.

I figured, go big or don't do it at all, so I decided on a half sleeve. People think I am crazy, but that is what I was finding beautiful and I wanted it. Not some half assed small thing that was, in my eyes, lame. I put my desires into words and Cameron put them onto paper. It was 10 days from the time I told him til the time I saw the design. That was 5 days ago. I got it yesterday.

Right now it is only the outline. In 2 weeks I will get some color, then finish it maybe 2 weeks after that with all the shading.

Rethinking the White Picket Fence

My whole life I've been taught that being successful as a person was having your own home. That proverbial white picket fence that everybody wants. As I'm experiencing life more I've owned two homes. I've had the fence. And you know what I don't want it anymore!

It's funny because I hear reports lately where it is reported that having home is not a sound investment anymore. It's not what our parents told us that a home always lasts and always keeps it value. Homes are liabilities now. It's a liability I don't think I want anymore.

Yeah renting for the past 3 1/2 years is really open my mind to the difference between renting and owning a home. Again, owning a home is something that I always wanted because it was something I was always was supposed to want. I realize now, it's something I may not ever want again. Partially because it's too much responsibility and really, no security. 

Here's a list of things that I realized why renting is better than owning:

1. You can move anytime you want without having to sell a house.

2. You can change locations in your city, every year if you choose, if you get tired of where you're living.

3. If something breaks you don't have to pay to fix it!

4. No property taxes! Sometimes those can really get up there in price depending on where you live in the value of where you're at.

5. More expendable income. You have more income because you don't have to sit and keep fixing things up on your own house. If your apartment or condo gets run down too much, you either move or you ask them to fix it for you.

6. Want to pool? Then rent a place that has a pool!

Here are the things I realize why owning is sometimes better than renting:

1. You can decorate and do anything you want with your home. You can tear out the kitchen if you don't like it and replace it. You can change the flooring. You can paint the walls any color you want and not care to have to paint them back when you move.

2. If you plan to stay in one place for very long time, then you might make some money on your house when you decide to move.

3. Your rent can go up. Your mortgage, when you refinance, can go down.

4. The tax write off!

When I mentioned to my mom that I didn't think I ever wanted to buy a living space again she didn't really accept the thought. She pretty much said that it was the stupidest idea. I can understand where she's coming from since in her generation that was the American dream. What she doesn't understand is I look at all the money that she and my dad put into our homes growing up and all that money that could have been put into stocks, bonds, 401(k)s, money market accounts, that they would probably be retiring a lot better off than what they are now. Not that they are lacking in their retirement. My dad had the city job with a good pension. But all the extra expendable income that they used to replace floors, air conditioners, services on the house, etc., doesn't seem like a good enough payoff. I know in our first home, we made a lot of money because we bought in a market that was rising so quickly. But in our second house, the market declined and we lost more than what we gained from the first. It's kind of like a game; Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. In the end we lost.

Currently we pay about $1200 a month for rent. In a home that we could afford to buy, here in Austin, TX, (say a $140,000 home) our mortgage would only be around $950 a month. Sounds like renting is stupid now. We could be in more space and own something for less. But wait, I forgot to add that property taxes would be about $350 a month, HOA fees would be an additional $150 a month on top of a larger heating/cooling bill, sanitation, yard maintenance, home owners insurance, and trying to keep something left over in the bank just incase something breaks down (like the A/C). So my rent is looking pretty awesome. Let me now mention that the place I could buy, if translated into an apartment would actually make my rent (like for like) around $800 a month since what I could afford to buy would be in a lower grade neighborhood, not as close to work or social life, and not as nice since it would be older and probably need renovations. So really, I can live in a better place renting, than I can buy for less.

While this is only my perception, I think it works for me and I don't think I ever want to own a home again. That may change. Maybe one day I'll make a lot more money where extra expenses don't matter to me and I really need that tax write off. Maybe one day I will want to be settled down a little more in one place. But for me right now, I'm not that settled down, and I don't make enough to really need the tax write off. I think I'll stay renting for a while and keep that freedom in my life and money in my pocket!

*Disclaimer - I am fully aware that in many places in the United States that house costs and property  taxes are not as high to where buying is much more economical, unfortunately, I don't want to live in any of those places.

Evolution of a Relationship

I believe in evolution. No, not the theory of evolution (well, I do as it was intended) but in evolution of people. I believe to be successful in life, one should be in constant evolution. Learning, experiencing, digging into your soul for who you really are (not how society has shaped you), are all ways that cause us to evolve. I like to consider myself ever evolving. I like to hope that everyone around me is doing the same. I think we are. That is why some friends come while others go. Some friends you grow closer with while others you just don't mesh anymore because of the evolution of one, the other, or both.

I think part of a successful evolving relationship is where communication is involved talking about newly accepted changes, learnings, feelings, etc. When this communication lacks, the relationship may fall apart, or become highly distant and/or complicated.

This is what makes good friends great and mediocre friends fade away. People do enter your life at the right time to teach you something new. I am never sad to lose a friend who taught me something that made me better. While I am sad when they fade away or drop off completely, I accept it and move on.

Sometimes these relationships require new rules. Good example is that my mother and I NEVER talk about politics. It keeps peace and harmony when we are together. It does not mean that I an silent about my views, we just know that it causes contention where it is not necessary so avoid the topic. I think this is good at finding where your ground is with people. I avoid religious topics with some friends, child rearing frustrations with others. I just want a peaceful life and as an observer, know who and who not to talk to about certain subjects. I keep my identity, yet keep the peace too.

I know and understand boundaries. I know and understand how to push some boundaries too. That is part of evolution. Pushing boundaries to move ahead and helping others when you think they are ready. Nothing is better than becoming in sync with someone and progressing with them through change. It is symbiotic.

I sure hope I never stop in my evolution in life. I hope my friends never hit a stagnant spot either. Move on and move forward. Become better. And all the other cliches.

Not Sure Why I Am Feeling Like This

So it has been long known that I think marriage is a crock of shit. Most people are not faithful, most marriages now days end in divorce, and a lot that do survive are miserable. I personally don't think I need a piece of paper or a ring or a ceremony to tell the world I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't need vows, I don't need recognition. Those who matter know our love for each other, and those who don't matter, well, don't matter. What I DO need is that safety that a marriage provides to my rights as a life partner. The rights to make decisions in my partners illness or death. The rights to have closure on my terms and bury him how he wanted and vice versa. If all my family is dead before I die and the last relative I have is an estranged sibling or niece/nephew, I don't want them touching my funeral, my assets, etc. That is what I want my partner to do. I don't think I should have to pay a lawyer to draft up powers of attorney for us to get these same legal rights that a drunken couple who just met and walk into a courthouse and pay $30 for a license and get married can do. That is FUCKED UP!

So, North Carolina, Amendment 1, is really bugging me that it passed last night. I don't live there. I don't plan to live there. It has happened in so many other states and never really bothered me before. So why now?

That being said, I wonder why the whole North Carolina Amendment 1 is pissing me off so bad, but reading back on it, I guess I do. It is the fact that ignorant bigots are VOTING TO SECLUDE ME FROM RIGHTS THAT ANY IN-BRED, REDNECK, MOTHER FUCKERS CAN DO 15 TIMES AND I CANNOT DO ONCE. Maybe, just maybe, that is what is pissing me off so badly today. Another thing that pisses me off is the some of the same people voting to seclude me from these CIVIL RIGHTS are those who not even 50 years ago were fighting for civil rights themselves. If they remembered that civil rights are the issue here, not what "Jesus", their preacher, or "the Bible" say, then this whole thing would never have passed or come close!

Now, I realize there is a lot of hate and judgement in getting this off my chest, so I want to  thank those who are educated enough, who are sympathetic to the human race, who are open minded, who are loving and voted against this movement in North Carolina. They should be recognized and I apologize to the readers if I sound at all condescending. I probably am.

Wow..I feel so much better now. Guess I just needed to get it out there!

Moving On Only Means Starting a New Chapter

As I sit alone in a home with empty walls and boxes piled high, I sit and contemplate on the past 2 years and 3 months we have lived here. While it was the best of times, it was also the worst of times. Some of the most trying time for Walter and I, and some of the most successful times of my career. Changes and rearrangements come in so many ways to our living spaces as much as it does to our lives. I feel it necessary to reflect on the events of the past few years we lived in this apartment.

We moved in with a rent higher than originally budgeted, but the apartment was fantastic. Roomy, large, and great to have social gatherings in. We started off with a new couch; orange, modern. We had all our other furniture that we had been hauling with us since we left Las Vegas only a year before. We could make the rent fine, it was just cutting out the little things that needed to happen, but that was ok. I was finally working full time at Whole Foods and Walter was working at West Elm. It was the first time since we moved to Austin that everything seemed to be coming together.

I was still interviewing for a "real" job. I could not find anything. No bites. It was when I heard back that I did not get the communications position that I interviewed for before we moved in that I realized that I was looking outside for things that really compromised my belief system, and for what? A job? Not that Whole Foods is perfect, but I can at least say I believe at least 90% in the company goals, ideals, and vision. I could not say that with the other places I was applying. The last interview made me realized that. I stayed with Whole Foods and landed a nice entry level job in accounts payable. It was not any AP job, but a job where innovation and creativity were needed to create a whole new process for the company. I was excited and thrived at the challenge. I was able to get a 40% increase in pay and make my own hours. So awesome. I loved my boss and my team and enjoyed going to work, even when it was a 50-60 hour week. That job progressed and a year later I was a lead for my position and shortly after was able to jump into a new project, starting it from scratch again. A new challenge. More excitement. More money. Walter wasn't doing to bad at his job either. Raise after raise he built up his pay to a decent salary as well. Financially, this apartment has seen us through some good times.

It was a few months after we moved in that Walter finally went to the doctor. His t-cells were low; below 90. His viral load through the roof. His health was not good and he had to admit it and take care of it, which he did. He started on his regime of meds. His t-cells started to rise, his viral load became undetectable, his body reacting horribly to side effects of the meds too. It was after our 10 year anniversary that he became so paranoid by the insanely vivid dreams he was having that we argued every day and night; sometimes in the middle of the night. Life was a living hell and I much preferred being at work than I did at home. I loved him, but I did not love what my life was like with him at this point. It was around 2am when we were screaming at each other where I told him he needed to figure it out or I was leaving. The next morning I pulled up the side effect list for his medications and top of the list were some of the top things he was experiencing. While I told him to call his doctor immediately and "get it the fuck fixed", it took him talking to a friend, who is a nurse, to get him to call and make the appointment. She mentioned to write down all his problems to take in so he did not forget any. When he asked me for help to make it, I had no problem belting out the first 30. The next morning he made that appointment. The doctor saw him the next day, changed his meds, and within 2 days he was back to his normal self. I never feared losing Walter so much as I did at this time, but I never intend to live in that hell either. We made it to our eleventh anniversary, thankfully, happy.

The apartment time also saw Walter's sister get married. It was fun to help her shop for dresses (which we found the most stunning one for her). We helped give ideas for colors, venues, flowers. It was fun! A year later was not so fun when her pregnancy did not fair so well. While her premature child lived a few hours on this earth, she was taken too soon and Walter felt a sorrow he had never felt before.

The time in the apartment also saw my little brother's motorcycle accident. For the first time, I think I cried because I really thought he would not make it through. He did. Not too well. He still has problems, and definitely did not learn anything from the experience. I always hope one day he will grow up, walk on his own, not manipulate or scare people into getting what he wants, and just be the good person who sometimes peaks out, but is buried under all his fear and regret.

During the past 2 years my mother had 2 knee surgeries. The second one I was there for. Stayed 9 days to help her. It was hard. Not in a physical way, but in the way that you see your mother getting old. You see her in pain and can do nothing for her. You see that they way she lives her life is not the way she needs to in her "golden" years. No rest with a jobless son who guilts her into providing for him, or a daughter who steals when she comes to visit, or a granddaughter who has fended for herself her whole life being dumped there to live. Yes, there has been a lot of family stress in the past 2 years and 3 months. A lot. I have realized that I cannot change it. I cannot force them to change it. All I can do is be there to listen to it with a rational ear and a hearing ear.

We gained many new friends in the past 2 years too. On top of those, some mighty fine acquaintances as well. All wonderful people who have joined us for birthdays, New Years dinners, holidays, and poker nights. New and old combine, but we just look at them all as friends, and we love them.

Speaking of people we love, a few of them have come to stay the night with us a time or two. We had the pleasure of having Albert here, Zak, Matthew, Neva and Walter (Walter's parents), Angela and Richard (Walter's sister and husband), Dianna, Christine, Wendy, Alicia, Phil, and Cat. These friends and family members blessed our home with their presence and endured us as hosts. It is those who you welcome into your house that makes it a home. Thank you.

So many meals cooked I cannot count, but many fond memories were made with food. It could have been our first 5 course meal on New Years Eve, 2010, or the one in 2011. Could have been the first time Walter and I learned to make pasta from scratch. Could have been the testing of the foods we ate in Italy and somehow recreated here at home (thanks to some very detailed notes we took while eating there). It could be the wonderful weekend breakfasts that I get to enjoy with Walter when he does not work first thing in the morning. So much heart was put into the kitchen here, the ghosts of great times will surround it for a long time to come.

So in the beginning I mentioned the change in our living space. Here is a quick rundown of those changes:

Projection TV out, LCD TV in.

2 new bookshelves in.

Orange couch out, purple couch in, which changed to a steal blue couch currently.

TV stand turned into coffee table.

New TV stand and cupboard.

Old desk out, 2 smaller desks in.

Living room had 3 full rearrangements, bedroom 2, and the office 2.

Old bed out, new bed in.

With the move we got rid of a lot too. Here are the biggest things:

Old couch, broken up. First 2 pieces to Dan over a year ago, second two to Emily a few months ago.

Dresser- the huge 15 drawer dresser that Walter wanted to get rid of this in Las Vegas. Finally got rid of it now.

Curio. While we loved it, it was not going with the new aesthetic and really not much room for it in the new, smaller place.

Coffee table. Yup, the one that used to be a TV stand, going to Damon and Robyn. We don't need it anymore, they do. Also got the comfy chair that was no longer needed by us.

Artwork. A lot of it. Gone. Went to good friends into good homes. We kept the good, meaningful stuff. Still will miss some of what we gave away though.

If you are wondering why I am listing all this, reminiscing about these times, it is mainly because this blog is a journal of my thoughts and feelings and this apartment hosted a lot of my thoughts and feelings, successes and trials, and I feel it only fitting to close this chapter of my book of life with a tribute to the past 2 years and 3 months her at the Tramor at the Hills apartment. It was awesome, even in its hardest times, it was awesome! Now it is time to begin the next chapter.

Day 13

So here it is, the final day of trying to be good. What have I learned over the past 13 days? Well, it is really hard to not have gluten sometimes. A burrito is not the same without the flour tortilla. A hamburger, while healthier eating it on a lettuce leaf, is just not the same without the bun. I learned that while I was good a majority of the time, the 20% that I was not did not kill me, it just slowed me down from losing weight, but weight was still lost. I also learned that portion control is up to me, not the restaurant, not Walter, nor anyone else. If I don't want to eat it all in a restaurant, then I will not and take the rest home. I also learned, or better, was reminded that you make really bad food choices when you don't get enough rest, when you are drinking, when you are overly hungry. Avoid those and I you will be better at avoiding bad foods.

So food for today. I had a smoothie. I ran out of almond milk, so it had about 1/4 cup almond milk and the rest water. Bad. It tasted fine, but I was hungry a mere 3 hours later which is not good when I drank it at 6am. I ate a LARA Bar for a snack. Lunch consisted of the last of my awesome pot roast with broccoli and couscous. Dinner I made pasta primavera and added some albacore tuna to it. We each ate 2 helpings. I got a bit snackie later and ate some Love Crunch organic granola. So I weighed myself this morning and gained 2.2 pounds. Here are some more lessons learned...

You can eat what you want, but you gotta burn it off too. Right now, with me not exercising, I'm burning pretty much what I consume. After 13 days, I only lost about a half pound. The times I ate less, I lost, but imagine if I had been burning more too. I can take a log of lessons from this but when it boils down to it, I can eat as healthy as I want, but without exercising to burn off any extra, I am not gonna lose anything more than a few pounds here and there. The moral of the story: move more.