So I woke up this morning and it seemed good. I had a dream that David Beckham was my boyfriend and some bitch at work told me that no one there liked me. I vacuumed the floor and cleaned up the kitchen. Walter left for work and I reminded him to tell his dad happy Father's Day from me. I contemplated what to do and suddenly wanted to do nothing.
I sat around pretty gloomy all day long, not knowing why, and not really caring. I figured it was because I had to work a late shift. I got to work and was talking to a friend there and she brought up she was having a bad day because it was Father's Day. She was estranged from her dad like me (totally different reasons) and she was sick of people asking if she called him or went to visit him. Was this my problem? Is THAT what was getting me down?
As I contemplated that, I thought how a proper "Father's Day" should be. Dad being appreciated. But why would I appreciate my dad? He is an asshole. He is someone I do not even respect or even talk to. Why was I feeling bad over this holiday to celebrate how great dads are. Am I the only one that does not want to celebrate and it effecting me negatively? Why do we celebrate this patriarchy? You know some ego headed "dad" made it up to make sure everyone showed appreciation to his testosterone ridden self. Others fell inline so that they would feel mighty too! What about us who don't have nor want kids? What about the childless women on Mother's Day too? Why do we have to feel bad because of a holiday?
I say to all those who are like me and felt bad today....FUCK FATHER'S DAY! FUCK FEELING BAD because we did not get the best person to fill that roll. Bless those who got a good one or those who have kids who they love and bless them that they will be good fathers! But FUCK if I am going to feel bad because my dad is an asshole, bigot, verbally abusive fucker! (Can you see the rage?) I am taking the power back and I say NO MORE! I will feel bad and like I did not get the best dad NO MORE!
Happy Father's Day to those who ARE fathers, NOT to those who shot some sperm one night and have not cared a bit since!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
My Friends...My New Goal
I swear that I have the best bunch of friends ever. They are there to listen to me when I have troubles, there to bounce ideas off, and there to build me up whether they realize it or not.
Lately I have felt that I do not share my appreciation of them as often as I should. I have turned into not the best telephone talker so have stopped calling as much. I don't email much either. I guess, for a communication major in college, I am just not a good communicator lately. I am frankly too lazy to send them card (or the fact that I don't think about it until times like now where I think I will just do it in the morning and never remember to), I don't text them as often as I should, and well, I already touched on the telephone calls. I do have a new goal though. I try to tell them every time I get off the phone with them after a conversation to let them know I miss them or love them, because I truly do.
For those who know me well, you will know that I do not use the "love" word often (except with Walter on a daily basis). I do not even tell certain family members that I love them because I honestly don't and it can be really rude to end the ever so brief and rare conversations with them with as "well hey, I put up with you because we share DNA. Have a good one!" For me to use "love" toward someone I really have to feel that way. There are friends of mine who we have a lot of history together. I love them. There are friends who we hang out and do things together. I like them a lot, but still building on the loving them. There are friends I don't see often or talk to regularly, but still, I like them a lot and some I really love. I do let them know. It is my new goal to let them know.
I just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. You know who you are when you read this. I said "I love you" to this person and I heard (or didn't hear) an pause of unexpecting and then a reply of "I love you too." I sure hope people don't tell me that because I say it first. I say it because I do and I do appreciate them!
Please readers, if you don't already... stop assuming people know their worth to you. Let them know. Speak up. Share. It will make their day. I know it makes mine.
Lately I have felt that I do not share my appreciation of them as often as I should. I have turned into not the best telephone talker so have stopped calling as much. I don't email much either. I guess, for a communication major in college, I am just not a good communicator lately. I am frankly too lazy to send them card (or the fact that I don't think about it until times like now where I think I will just do it in the morning and never remember to), I don't text them as often as I should, and well, I already touched on the telephone calls. I do have a new goal though. I try to tell them every time I get off the phone with them after a conversation to let them know I miss them or love them, because I truly do.
For those who know me well, you will know that I do not use the "love" word often (except with Walter on a daily basis). I do not even tell certain family members that I love them because I honestly don't and it can be really rude to end the ever so brief and rare conversations with them with as "well hey, I put up with you because we share DNA. Have a good one!" For me to use "love" toward someone I really have to feel that way. There are friends of mine who we have a lot of history together. I love them. There are friends who we hang out and do things together. I like them a lot, but still building on the loving them. There are friends I don't see often or talk to regularly, but still, I like them a lot and some I really love. I do let them know. It is my new goal to let them know.
I just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. You know who you are when you read this. I said "I love you" to this person and I heard (or didn't hear) an pause of unexpecting and then a reply of "I love you too." I sure hope people don't tell me that because I say it first. I say it because I do and I do appreciate them!
Please readers, if you don't already... stop assuming people know their worth to you. Let them know. Speak up. Share. It will make their day. I know it makes mine.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I am turning into an Austinite!
The change was fast and somewhat surprising, but I think I have about 60%-70% changed into one. I should have figured it when I started growing a beard, or when I bought my first reusable bag from Whole Foods. Heck, it probably started when first moved here and attended the farmers market on a weekly basis. Maybe the change escalated when I started working at Whole Foods. Who really knows, but here I am, an almost fully changed West Coast guy into an Austinite!
I did not really think about it until the other day when I was at the grocery store and picking out fruit and vegetables.
I figured I had plastic bags I had been reusing from the veggies bought over the past few weeks so did not put the stuff I was currently purchasing into new ones. I did not want to use more plastic than necessary. WTF! Did I actually just think that! Yup people. I really did. I am even keeping the plastic forks I use for my lunches at work and wash them to reuse! On top of that, I am making sure that I am recycling at home (even got on Walter for not throwing the junk mail into the recycle bin but into the trash instead).
I have not however started composting. I have not cut off a pair of jeans to wear in public. I have not bought a hybrid car. I do not bike to work either. So as you can see, I have not fully transformed yet.
I do find myself having tattoo envy really bad (since everyone has them here and very visible). I do feel the need to be more 'green' in a lot of my choices. I do have a beard (which Walter is not very fond of, but I am kind of liking it). The transformation has begun and been rapid in its advancement. I cannot say I mind it. I actually kind of like it. Better Earth, better me, better life!
I did not really think about it until the other day when I was at the grocery store and picking out fruit and vegetables.
I figured I had plastic bags I had been reusing from the veggies bought over the past few weeks so did not put the stuff I was currently purchasing into new ones. I did not want to use more plastic than necessary. I have not however started composting. I have not cut off a pair of jeans to wear in public. I have not bought a hybrid car. I do not bike to work either. So as you can see, I have not fully transformed yet.
I do find myself having tattoo envy really bad (since everyone has them here and very visible). I do feel the need to be more 'green' in a lot of my choices. I do have a beard (which Walter is not very fond of, but I am kind of liking it). The transformation has begun and been rapid in its advancement. I cannot say I mind it. I actually kind of like it. Better Earth, better me, better life!
Monday, June 1, 2009
By Request of Carly
As I was leaving work last night I figured I would pick up a few things to make for dinner. In my basket landed some way super awesome bacon-mushroom-cheese pork sausages, a delicious Italian cream cake slice, a half loaf of brioche bread for french toast this morning, some olives and a few slices of bacon.
After checking out I was caught by Carly, the nutritionist at work. She was with a client and wanted to congratulate me (and I am sure slightly inspire her client) about my success and see that I was still following the plan she had set for me. I told her I was doing great on it, but admitted that I had the bread and cake in my bag. I told her I was making the french toast in the morning since I would not be seeing Walter for a few
days and we were going to spend the time before I went to work together and I wanted to make a nice breakfast for us. She agreed that it was ok as long as I was making it one of my "free meals" of the week. I was planning that and I informed that I only bought half a loaf as to not use the rest or be tempted to. She made me promise to post my breakfast picture to my blog so she could see it. So here it is. I wish it were more colorful but I plated it on white plates and you can only do so much. HERE'S FOR YOU CARLY!!
After checking out I was caught by Carly, the nutritionist at work. She was with a client and wanted to congratulate me (and I am sure slightly inspire her client) about my success and see that I was still following the plan she had set for me. I told her I was doing great on it, but admitted that I had the bread and cake in my bag. I told her I was making the french toast in the morning since I would not be seeing Walter for a few
days and we were going to spend the time before I went to work together and I wanted to make a nice breakfast for us. She agreed that it was ok as long as I was making it one of my "free meals" of the week. I was planning that and I informed that I only bought half a loaf as to not use the rest or be tempted to. She made me promise to post my breakfast picture to my blog so she could see it. So here it is. I wish it were more colorful but I plated it on white plates and you can only do so much. HERE'S FOR YOU CARLY!!
A Beard in Protest
Today is officially 5 months of living in Austin. To date, I have applied for over 90 jobs AND have not been invited to one interview. In protest I am growing a beard.
Some of you are thinking, "Hey, aren't you working at Whole Foods? Didn't you interview for that?" Yes I did, and it was only by my dear friends who already work there pulling so many strings and talking with so many people that that happened and it was not for a job that I actually applied for. Thank the gods that I do have it, and honestly, it is fun and I work with a lot of awesome and talented people. MY POINT however, is that I have not gotten an interview due to any of my diligent and laborious resume sending, application filling out etc. I even had the VP of Marketing at TMA rewrite my resume to make it AWESOME and still no bites. So, in protest (and since I have never been in a position to grow one, always having to stay "clean cut" for work) I am growing a beard. I am not sure how "trimmed" up it will be, not sure if I will just let it grow to look like a mountain man, hell, I am not even sure if I will shave it off once I do find a job (I am actually getting quite fond of it now). All I know is that I am growing it. Walter is not fond of it by the way, but oh well. What can you do. Here is a pic to show how it looks on week 1 of not shaving.
Some of you are thinking, "Hey, aren't you working at Whole Foods? Didn't you interview for that?" Yes I did, and it was only by my dear friends who already work there pulling so many strings and talking with so many people that that happened and it was not for a job that I actually applied for. Thank the gods that I do have it, and honestly, it is fun and I work with a lot of awesome and talented people. MY POINT however, is that I have not gotten an interview due to any of my diligent and laborious resume sending, application filling out etc. I even had the VP of Marketing at TMA rewrite my resume to make it AWESOME and still no bites. So, in protest (and since I have never been in a position to grow one, always having to stay "clean cut" for work) I am growing a beard. I am not sure how "trimmed" up it will be, not sure if I will just let it grow to look like a mountain man, hell, I am not even sure if I will shave it off once I do find a job (I am actually getting quite fond of it now). All I know is that I am growing it. Walter is not fond of it by the way, but oh well. What can you do. Here is a pic to show how it looks on week 1 of not shaving.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Failed Test
So I did the detox diet and continued to follow it in the days following. I did have a cupcake and 2 small cookies (from Whole Foods..not that that makes them better, but just a bit better for you). In the following 2 days I lost another 4.5lbs. I thought, wow, I am doing awesome! I think I will test the limits of what I can eat. It was partially curiosity, and partially a friend prodding, and then there was a little bit of desire on my own part, but I went to a pizza buffet. Oh yes, alllllll the things I should not eat - gluten (a lot of it), dairy (questionable at that), sugars (I just had to have the sticky bun for dessert). The only things I think I stayed clear of there was the grains and soy (because unless they are hidden in something, would they really be in a pizza parlor?). It was good. I have to admit. It was not fabulous, but it was good.
I weighed in the next morning and it was not THAT good! I gained 3.5lbs. OMG REALLY! Yes, really. I was shocked. I did not think I would gain back that much. Given, when Walter got off work and neither of us wanted to cook dinner, we did go to Torchy's for a massive burrito which was pretty good but include the grain (rice) that I was lacking earlier. I was pissed at myself. I could not believe my moment of weakness (that was not going there, but exceeding what I should have had and knowing it. Bad to think, "Oh, I am blowing it already so may as well do it all the way"). I knew what I was doing but did not think it was going to be that bad. Well, I behaved the next day. I did snack heavily on peanuts (probably not the best choice when I was bloating from all the pizza from the day before, but oh well). The next morning came and I weighed myself again. Zero! What? Are you kidding me? Zero? I reweighed and it was the same. I could not believe it. I behaved and did not lose a thing.
I was so accustomed to losing every day for the past 13 days that it never occured to me I could gain again. I was feeling like the biggest loser....really, just like the tv show when someone who was on a roll ended up losing nothing. That was yesterday. Not saying that my response to that zero was the right one, but I was lazy yesterday too. I ate some left over fried potatoes for breakfast (I know, where is the protein..there was none!), then for lunch I grilled some salmon and ate it with some eggs (well, there was the protein and fat, but where the fuck were the carbs!), then felt like a sweet, so had 4 small peaches (sounds like I was on track there right...just wait) covered in Half and Half (there's the zinger). I was watching movies at this time. I put the second one in and decided I wanted popcorn (here come the grains or as someone told me "razor blades to the colon"). If that was not bad enough, I added butter to it (but I have to say, it was a lot less than usual and it was fantastic). For dinner I met a friend out and had a beer and a burger oh...and queso and chips. ZING ZING ZINGER! Yup. I lost it again yesterday. It was a wonder why I possibly weighed in today. I knew I should not have, but thank god I did. It really gave me the reality of what doing shit like that is doing to me.
I weighed in and gained a pound and 1/2. So here it is. My 17lb weight loss just became a 12lb. loss. I was so excited I was finally in the 270's and literally 3 lbs away from being in the 260's (something I have not seen in like 6-7 years) and I fucked it up. I tested myself and I failed. Eating better is the way to go.
There is room for fun, like a cupcake one night after work, but nothing like gorging on pizza (which I think is still in my system and why the hamburger busted me, but it was prob the peached and cream and popcorn too!). Today I am back on the wagon! I am staying strict to it! I cannot afford to gain weight after losing. Once I am under 220 then I will consider it more. I will consider it once a week too, but no more! Back on the wagon baby! I am going to be rollin' again!
I weighed in the next morning and it was not THAT good! I gained 3.5lbs. OMG REALLY! Yes, really. I was shocked. I did not think I would gain back that much. Given, when Walter got off work and neither of us wanted to cook dinner, we did go to Torchy's for a massive burrito which was pretty good but include the grain (rice) that I was lacking earlier. I was pissed at myself. I could not believe my moment of weakness (that was not going there, but exceeding what I should have had and knowing it. Bad to think, "Oh, I am blowing it already so may as well do it all the way"). I knew what I was doing but did not think it was going to be that bad. Well, I behaved the next day. I did snack heavily on peanuts (probably not the best choice when I was bloating from all the pizza from the day before, but oh well). The next morning came and I weighed myself again. Zero! What? Are you kidding me? Zero? I reweighed and it was the same. I could not believe it. I behaved and did not lose a thing.
I was so accustomed to losing every day for the past 13 days that it never occured to me I could gain again. I was feeling like the biggest loser....really, just like the tv show when someone who was on a roll ended up losing nothing. That was yesterday. Not saying that my response to that zero was the right one, but I was lazy yesterday too. I ate some left over fried potatoes for breakfast (I know, where is the protein..there was none!), then for lunch I grilled some salmon and ate it with some eggs (well, there was the protein and fat, but where the fuck were the carbs!), then felt like a sweet, so had 4 small peaches (sounds like I was on track there right...just wait) covered in Half and Half (there's the zinger). I was watching movies at this time. I put the second one in and decided I wanted popcorn (here come the grains or as someone told me "razor blades to the colon"). If that was not bad enough, I added butter to it (but I have to say, it was a lot less than usual and it was fantastic). For dinner I met a friend out and had a beer and a burger oh...and queso and chips. ZING ZING ZINGER! Yup. I lost it again yesterday. It was a wonder why I possibly weighed in today. I knew I should not have, but thank god I did. It really gave me the reality of what doing shit like that is doing to me.
I weighed in and gained a pound and 1/2. So here it is. My 17lb weight loss just became a 12lb. loss. I was so excited I was finally in the 270's and literally 3 lbs away from being in the 260's (something I have not seen in like 6-7 years) and I fucked it up. I tested myself and I failed. Eating better is the way to go.
There is room for fun, like a cupcake one night after work, but nothing like gorging on pizza (which I think is still in my system and why the hamburger busted me, but it was prob the peached and cream and popcorn too!). Today I am back on the wagon! I am staying strict to it! I cannot afford to gain weight after losing. Once I am under 220 then I will consider it more. I will consider it once a week too, but no more! Back on the wagon baby! I am going to be rollin' again!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Just another day
Even having a day off today is not really exciting. There are things I need to get done but don't want to, things I want to do, but don't have the funds to do, and things that I could do, but just am lacking the ambition and creativity today to do them. So here I sit blogging.
On a good note, I am still following the nutritional lifestyle we did the detox for. I am still dropping weight (17 lbs to be exact). I feel great. Yesterday I was on cloud 9 for no apparent reason other than I was just feeling good. I also heard that I can apply for something that I did not think would be possible for 6 months, so I am thrilled about the potential opportunity for a full time job.
To take it down a notch, Walter text me this morning that he got a speeding ticket (even though I warned him the cops were all over the place this weekend) and will cost us money we just do not have right now. But, since that is the only bad new right now, life is still good!
Think today I am going to take the dog to the park with my friend Chris and hang out with him today. Hopefully I will get some sun and not be so butt white! I like getting sun on me. I should be weedwacking the lawn, but not really in the mood to. Maybe tomorrow night. Today is going to be a day for me since I feel like most of my days off are spent doing laundry, preparing stuff for lunches for me and Walter, and watching way too much TV that I don't really care about.
So, even though this is just another day, I am hoping it turns out to be an awesome one!
On a good note, I am still following the nutritional lifestyle we did the detox for. I am still dropping weight (17 lbs to be exact). I feel great. Yesterday I was on cloud 9 for no apparent reason other than I was just feeling good. I also heard that I can apply for something that I did not think would be possible for 6 months, so I am thrilled about the potential opportunity for a full time job.
To take it down a notch, Walter text me this morning that he got a speeding ticket (even though I warned him the cops were all over the place this weekend) and will cost us money we just do not have right now. But, since that is the only bad new right now, life is still good!
Think today I am going to take the dog to the park with my friend Chris and hang out with him today. Hopefully I will get some sun and not be so butt white! I like getting sun on me. I should be weedwacking the lawn, but not really in the mood to. Maybe tomorrow night. Today is going to be a day for me since I feel like most of my days off are spent doing laundry, preparing stuff for lunches for me and Walter, and watching way too much TV that I don't really care about.
So, even though this is just another day, I am hoping it turns out to be an awesome one!
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