My Christmas Alone

Some would say spending Christmas day alone is sad. People keep telling me they're sorry I am alone today. I have actually had a great time. It has been a time to remember, contemplate, and miss people. I am enjoying it.

Sometimes we must remember that life needs to slow down. We need to take the time to remember our loved ones and realize how much they really mean to us.

Last night I spent the evening with good friends and were able to meet their family. It was wonderful to put faces to the names I have heard talk about for so many years. It was special. After I came home to my empty house. I sat hoping that Walter was having a wonderful time with his family and how much I missed him. I thought of my own family and now much I missed them. This caused me to pop in the old family movies we had transferred to DVD a few years back. It was nice to watch memories from childhood. I started to tear up at the sight and sound of my grandparents who died when I was 12. I missed them. I still miss them. I saw how my siblings carried the same traits as children as they do now and realized why my one sister and I still don't talk. Saw how my baby brother had everything done for him then as he still does now at age 31. What I saw mainly, was how my mother tried to make every holiday special. How she tried to keep everyone at peace. How she was most happy when her family was around her. She had the sparkle of love in her eyes and happiness in her smile that I have not seen in a long time. She smiles and her eyes glimmer when I see her, but I can only imagine what it could be like with all of her kids and grand kids around, getting along, not backbiting and saying negative things about each other...kind of like how it was when we were young.

I know those day have long since been exhausted. We have each went our separate directions. We have each made our good and bad choices (and good and bad are subjective depending on which sibling you talk to). We each live our separate lives and rarely, if ever come into contact. I only hope my mom can see us all in loving harmony at least one more time before she dies. Right now, with everyone, I don't think it is possible. Just with 2 or 3 of us together there is complaining. I think the most harmonious it has been is when my oldest brother and I were out helping my mom and we were getting along and being respectful of each other. If my little brother were not being such an asshole, it could have been more harmonious. You can't have a conversation with my sister without her complaining about something (usually about my little brother). I don't even talk to my other sister. I have a feeling that my nieces and nephews will be the ones to bring the family closer, them and time. Time to realize that we all need to get over the petty shit and just love each other for who we are, good, bad, and differences.

And back to my original thought....sorry to have strayed, but I am filled with a lot of emotions today and this is an outlet to free them. But back to missing people...I miss Walter. I do. He is such a part of my life, it takes times like these when we are apart for me to remember how much I love having him in my life. How much I appreciate his presence. How much he means to me. I probably do not say it enough to him. I need to work on that. But I adore him. He is my life, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my partner, my only love, and the person who challenges me to be my best.

I needed this Christmas alone to remember all these things. To appreciate all these things. To put it out there and hope for better things to come. Christmas may not be as perfect as it was when I was a child, but I am glad. Christmas is now more about the memories and the present than it is about the presents. I am truly a lucky man to have such a wonderful life, stresses and all. Merry Christmas.