Blunt Sexuality Talk - read at your own risk

I named this blog that because I don't want anyone complaining about what is appropriate and what is not to talk about ON MY OWN BLOG. So here is another warning, don't want to hear about sex or sexuality, close your browser now. This is your last warning.

So last night Walter and I went to Bearaccuda. It is a "Bear" circuit party. We were not sure what to expect, not sure how to dress, what we would see, etc. It was quite the experience. That's not really what I want to talk about, but it does have bearing on what I am going to talk about.

So here we are, at a party with hot men, a lot shirtless, including ourselves (it was really fucking hot and my shirt unbuttoned one button at a time the hotter I got and Walter's came fully off once it was so wet it was sticking to him. He said it was really liberating since he has never taken his shirt off at a club before...baby steps). Anyhow, I was having a great time, but very somber. It was not a problem. I can have fun when in a somber mood. I did however get to thinking how I was surrounded by hot men and, let's just say, my naughty parts were not tingling. I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Now, if you read this far, good, but what I am about to say now might be against many peoples value system, so again, stop reading or if you read on, don't judge...open, blunt sexuality talk here.

(EDITED OUT SO SOME PEOPLE DONT FREAK OUT BECAUSE THEY COULD NOT HANDLE READING THIS AND WOULD NOT STOP). So as I am dancing and looking around, I am hoping that this does not happen. Seriously! ME! HOPING THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN? Who does that?! It was then I knew something was wrong with me!

I know what is wrong with me. Well, at least I think I know what is wrong with me. The correlation is easy. It makes total sense. As I started gaining weight and becoming less fit, my sex drive went down. So to spell it out: weight up, sex down. Not something I want to admit, but here it is. I am fat and not horny. Wow...there it is in black and white now. Fully admitted. Fully out there. Fully embarrassing. To bring it further, I am sure my lack of fitness is also contributing to my lack of energy, lack of motivation...the list can just keep going on. I don't mean to blame all my problems on my weight/fitness level, but it makes sense. I would blame it on age, and that could be part of it, but that I cannot change. My weight I can.

I was listening to Jillian Michael's Podcast. It is actually pretty good and has many good things to say. There was a person who called in and was talking to her and she asked them, "Why do you want to be fit/thin/healthy?" They gave the skimmed off the top answers. She did not accept them and asked again and again until they gave her the deep real answer that cut to the core. She then asked them why do they deserve to be fit/thin/healthy. You'd think it would be an easy answer. It is not. I have thought about it for week. I can't even tell you why I do deserve it, but I am going to try.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Here we go.

I deserve it because:

• I am fucking awesome. I deserve to feel awesome about my self every day.
• I deserve to feel like I look awesome in the clothes I wear.
• I deserve to feel great when I am naked.
• I deserve to be horny!
• I deserve to have excellent sexual interactions without the use of a pill.
• I deserve to be healthy inside and out. My skin should look healthy. My insides should be relaxed and "flowing" properly.
• I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin and rather than accept being overweight and out of breath, take control of it and say FUCK YOU to it! I don't let toxic people stay in my life, why should I let a toxic lifestyle.
• I deserve to be happy. Not that I am unhappy, but I am not ecstatic about life all the time. I deserve to be ecstatic about life.
• I deserve to live as long as I can.
• I deserve to spend the best of me with Walter. I don't want him to miss out on things because I can't do it.
• I deserve it because it is my life and why not want the best one!

There it is. I deserve it. I know I am still attractive. I know Walter loves me and it attracted to me, but when I am not attracted to myself, it is hard to hear the compliments of Walter and take them seriously. I know he is genuine, but my insecurities jump in there and blow the compliments off. This is a time for it to begin.