It's Been A While part 1

 Well, it has definitely been some time since I have written here; something I should have been doing to keep my sanity and vent my feelings, but alas, I have not. Well, a catch up is due then.

We survived the pandemic. I can't say that 2020 and 2021 were great by any means. It did bring some great things however. Walter was able to change careers and almost immediately started working from home with me. Here were were, after 20 years together, on the same schedule and both quarantined in the same home continually for over a year. I will be honest, I was a little afraid. You always see those couples where everything seems fine until they retire, and then they just wanna kill each other or live separate lives because they never learned to live together without a buffer (kids, work, etc.). I didn't want to be one of those. Fortunately, we were not. We actually relished the time we had together and go along marvelously. Sure we still bickered about stupid little things like our "co-worker" who kept leaving dishes in the sink after lunch. We called the "co-worker" Brenda. It was all meant in fun coupled with some honesty to keep us both honest about our co-habitation habits. We kept a bubble with a group of friends and for the majority of us, we never got COVID-19. It wasn't until 2021 when we went to Texas for a wedding that Walter and I came home with COVID. 

2021 also was a bit of change and loss. Work became crazy with the change of CIO at my company and it was unbearable, so I was able to find a new role that sounded really exciting and where I felt I would learn a lot. I did learn something there but also sat without work to do for about 15 months of employment. I needed a change, but in retrospect, I needed that job then because a string of loss and sorrow hit shortly after I started that job. 

My little brother died of an overdose that August. I will never forget that night I got the call from mom. I was in the kitchen and quite happy when the phone rang. I answered to a bit of a hysterical crying voice of my mom telling me David had died. She had called him multiple times for dinner and he had not come down. She made her way up there and went into his room. She said he was blue and not moving or breathing. He had been up in his room sleeping all day which, for him, was quite normal. She was beside herself and I can imagine why. I can't fathom what she was dealing with emotionally from that. In my mind, her life would improve. David and his addiction caused a lot of stress and strain on her emotionally, financially, and put her and her home in some danger at times. I was so sad he passed but also so happy that his struggles with his demons had ended. I am sure it was not on purpose. He overdosed on accident. It was a blessing since his mental capacity had diminished so much to where he was hallucinating, paranoid, and had no sense of reality. 

After his passing I tried to help out mom as much as I could. Got her internet that actually worked well and had good speeds, connected her home to multiple Amazon Alexas so that should anything happen, in any part of the house, she could call out and contact any of us kids through it. Denise worked at getting her a home alarm system to secure her house and have video of all areas of the property. I flew up to pick her up for thanksgiving that year and drive her to my house for the week. I would drive her back and then fly back home. She loved it. She was telling everyone that I was flying up just to drive her down to Phoenix for the holiday and then would drive her back and fly home. It was cute and I love that she was so excited about it especially since that would be the last holiday I would get to spend with her. She unexpectedly passed 3 days after her 80th birthday. 

That Christmas Denise drove down and brought mom to her house for the holiday. Mom really enjoyed it and wanted to stay up there longer, but Denise took her home the day after (and in retrospect I am sure she wishes she kept her up there a little longer). 

Mom was lonely in that big house and her movement was slow but she still trudged along. Walter and I planned to go up for her and my birthday. She was turning 80 and didn't want to celebrate much, but I promised her a delicious steak dinner to celebrate. It was a tough month for her. She had a sore the size of a quarter on her leg that would not heal. She finally got it checked out and found out it was skin cancer. The dermatologist assured her it was not too back and could be handled onsite in his office. She never was able to get it taken care of. On the night of January 26th 2022, I got a call. It was mom, calling through her Alexa. She had fallen down the stairs. I stayed with her on the phone as I called Denise and Scott. Scott was living up there but on the phone. Denise was able to set off her home alarm to alert the system she needed an ambulance. Scott was on another call but with me calling repeatedly called me back and was able to head over to mom's. Kailee was also notified and was the first on the scene and was there when the ambulance arrived. 

Mom had not been feeling that great all week; a little cold she kept claiming. Once she was in the hospital, she found out it was COVID. She also had a cracked sternum and bruised all over. She was at the top of her stairs and moving to her walker when the walker's break didn't work and she fell right down on her chest and slid down the stairs. That is why she had called me on Alexa, her phone was already in her walker. I was so glad we installed all those for her. Walter and I cancelled our trip since she has COVID and was in the hospital. Told her we would come the following weekend instead. By the day of her birthday she was miserable and quite ornery when I called to wish her a happy birthday. I understood though. All us siblings were talking about what to do next. She couldn't live in her home as it was. The next day, January 29th, we all had a call with mom and talked about options. We talked about making the main floor fully open for her. We'd have the bathroom expanded with a shower she could wheel into and would shrink down the laundry room to do it. We'd make the doorways wider to allow her ease of movement. We'd get her a power lift recliner she could sleep in and would assist her getting up out of it; anything that would help her stay in her home and live as best as she could in her condition. Later that day she called me and we went through the different recliners and ordered her one so it would be there when she got out of the hospital. 

My birthday was the next day. I didn't hear from mom until later afternoon. It was a short call. About 2 and a half minutes. She was having a rough day, not like the day before where she sounded like she was ready to take on the world. Little did I know that would be the last time I would hear her talk to me. The next morning at 6am I got a call from Debbie. Debbie had been spending the nights with mom via phone after Scott was kicked out due to visitors hours being over. Debbie that morning heard the doctor come into mom's room and wanted to discuss the route mom wanted to take as she was in the ICU again and her respiratory system was not doing so well. Debbie told the doctor to give a moment while she tried to conference Scott in. Together, mom, Scott, Debbie and the doctor made the decision to not continue the respirator and put mom on comfort care as she finished her life. 

Debbie couldn't get a flight in that day. I told her to find one to Las Vegas and we would pick her up on our way to Saint George. She did. I let work know I would not be in and didn't know when I would be back on. Scott called me right before we got on the road and let me talk to mom one last time. I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her for being a great mom. Never in my life have I wailed when I cried. I assume I will not again until Walter passes (or if I am lucky enough to pass before him, I may never wail like that again). 

She passed before we even made it to Las Vegas. I had to pull over when I got the call. I don't even remember if I had Walter drive at that point. It was all just happening and I could not stop it. I don't think I would have if I could have. Mom was ready to go. I selfishly wanted her around still, but I also knew had she lived, her life would never be the same and it would have been horrible for her. I was honestly relieved that she passed before we got there. My last memory of my mom would not be her in a hospital bed.

World of Change

Right now we are at a point in our history where unprecedented things are happening. While this is not the first pandemic, it seems to be the worst one in about a century. Our lives are changing here in America, and even globally. Today for the first time I waited in a line to get into the grocery store. I had a few needs and wants on my list; eggs, milk, ground beef, maybe some chicken. I left with none of that, only with the things that were available that I cautiously chose to get. I say cautious because I prefer fresh food, but not knowing if we as a country or state or city will be going on lockdown in the near future to try to slow the COVID-19 pandemic spread, I wanted things that would last a little longer, or could freeze. It is something I never have seen while shopping; empty shelves everywhere, some completely empty while others had a lingering can or two while others had more (usually items that few people buy or that are specialty items that cost a lot more than most peoples' budgets). While I know the supply chain is intact, it is an issue getting stuff to the stores daily because paranoid people keep wiping stores out of stock daily. My kudos to the grocery workers who are working so hard to get the product back on shelves, and the truckers working tirelessly to transport everything.

I'll be honest, it is freaky. While I am staying calm and not hoarding, I am being calculated in what I purchase, and how much. Not so much that others can't have, but enough that should something keep us home for awhile, we will be ok. I keep a fairly stocked pantry anyway, so when you open the door it doesn't look much different than normal, and I am quite proud of that. I am, however, in a different mindset, mood, or whatever you want to call it. There is a different feeling in the air that I can't explain, but know I don't like. I think it is all the information constantly flowing out about this pandemic that is changing daily, focusing on deaths, not people who have overcome the sickness, wondering if we should go to the store just in case something is there and we might need it in the future. Oddly, I am not worried about paying our bills during this time, and I find that to be very fortunate as so many people will have issues with that. While I am over talking about it, it is all we can talk about since the information is ever changing. I feel a need to know the educated information and share it with my mom who doesn't have ways to keep up with what is going on in hopes she is able to take precautions and weather through this as well.

Another thing I am noticing is while we see a lot of people hoarding items and giving into paranoia, we are seeing a lot of giving people willing to help out a stranger, the elderly, a neighbor. I am gaining a sense of hope with humanity that when it gets bad, people can help each other out, not because their religion tells them to, but because their innate humanity lets them feel it is right to do and they act on it. I have a feeling that this pandemic will change more than how we work in businesses, prepare ourselves at home for a crisis, but change how we see each other and how we treat each other. Not saying everyone will be nice and helpful and giving, but I think this will encourage a lot more people to think that way. It is scary not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, or next week. We will survive, and hopefully be better from it.

My Garden

Now that Walter and I are homeowners again, we planted a garden. When we moved in we got some raised garden beds for some chard, lettuce, and tomatoes. Now that summer is over and planting season is here  again, we added a garden bed and planted many things directly from seeds. This is new to us and has been oddly satisfying; there is something about watching something you planted sprout and begin to grow.

Being the nerd that I am I created a growing and planting guide based on the time of year and type of seeds we have, that way we can rotate crops come spring and also get a full harvest from what we grow. It was planned out and then we planted. So many things we planted: 5 kinds of lettuce, radishes, carrots, celery, chard, spinach, beets, rutabaga, cauliflower, and kale. Then we used the smaller planters to do our herb garden with basil, thyme, cilantro, parsley, sage, arugula, rosemary and I feel something else, but I forgot, so we will see once it comes up.

It had been weeks since we planted. Watered. Waited. During those weeks of waiting we took a trip to Tuscon and ran into a gardener there who built and maintained multiple restaurant gardens in the city. I think we spent about an hour talking with him. It was great and highly informative. He sampled us a few delicious things he picked from his garden as he was watering and we talked. He told me what nozzle to get for my hose to do the best watering, how often and long to water in these desert climates, how to water citrus trees here and fertilize them, and shared some of the best things to plant. I loved it. Those kinds of interactions are the best to me and it really made my day having it. After all those weeks of watering and waiting, nothing was sprouting. NOTHING. I was feeling like I failed. Wondered what I had fucked up. What had gone wrong? We took a trip to Seattle for a long weekend. It was cold. When we returned it was cold in Phoenix too! Not normal October temperatures. I looked at the garden and finally saw a sprout. One. Just one lonely sprout out of the hundreds we planted. I had hope.

I continued on with what I was doing, hoping the cold hadn't killed off my seeds that might or might not be sprouting. It hadn't killed the one I saw. I reflected on what the Tucson man had told me, "Water long so the water seeps into the ground deep." Hadn't I been doing that? I thought I had. Perception is one thing; reality is something totally different. I decided to test the ground I had been vigilantly watering for the last 5 weeks (knowing some of the germinations were supposed to happen in 7-14 days and hadn't). I dug down a bit and it was bone dry. The top soil when I was watering looked drenched! I didn't want to over water, but now it was looking like I was under watering my garden. I changed action immediately. A few days passed. In those days I saw two radish sprouts pop up. JOY! I continued. Here I am 2 weeks later and I have sprouts from so many things I planted popping up, slowly but surely. I have to say I am learning patience with this garden, but gaining so much gratification from it as well, even more once we can harvest it. It is exciting to go out daily and see what new things are sprouting, what things are growing bigger. I am loving the garden and can't wait until we can utilize it for cooking and consumption.
  

As I watered it today I was looking at how it pertains to life. Here are some lessons and analogies I have gotten from it:

1. Just because you plant the seed doesn't mean it will grow. You can only do so much, but a bad seed is just that, a bad seed, so move on and nurture those seeds that are growing.

2. My garden is like people in my life. I can take them in, care for them, and help them grow. Some give me excitement in return, while others don't do anything at all. So like my garden, nurture those relationships that bring me joy and get rid of those that just don't do anything for me.

3. To tag on to #3, just planting the seed doesn't make it grow, it takes a lot of effort and attention on my part. Without that love and attention, the relationship will not grow and it is my fault for that.

4. The perfect garden for me is one that is diverse and that can provide many different flavors and textures to my palate. Same with friends, diversity is key to understanding and becoming better yourself.

5. Just because you planned for it to be a certain way, nature has its own way of doing things and its own timing. Patience and endurance are needed for this ride.

Feelings. So Many Feelings.

I've been thinking of writing again since I stopped my cooking blog last year. I have been putting it off by watching TV, playing Nintendo, surfing the net. Today I can't any longer and I wish it was a better reason than someone dying.

Yesterday my niece and nephew were in a car accident and ultimately, my nephew died this morning as a result of it. The problem that I am having is not that he died. My problem is that I don't feel sad about it. I have not cried over it. I have cried, but only because my heart goes out to my brother and the pain and regret I am sure he is going through. His family, sadly, are strangers to me. I can't cry for a stranger, no matter how hard I am trying.

The history here is complex, so I will simplify it. They are Mormon. I am gay. They have an issue with it (majority, I feel, is my horrible sister in law) so cut me out of their family's life for years. It wasn't until a few years ago my brother and I started talking. It was just a year or maybe two now that I met my nephew in a 30 minute stop over as they were passing through my mom's place. We were "Facebook Friends" and at one point he was going off so ignorantly about gay marriage I unfriended him and the rest of my brother's kids (I never friended my brother). Slowly we friended each other again, but I rarely followed them and I see now my nephew and I never friended each other again.

So some more feelings...I am feeling ANGRY. I am angry that my brother and his wife secluded me from their family so that I don't know their kids. The same this is with one of my sisters. I don't get invites or FYI notifications to baptisms, missionary farewells/homecomings, weddings (although my brother's oldest daughter did send me an invite to her wedding...1-2 weeks before it happened), birthdays. I hear about these things from my mom or my sister. What makes me angry is that I am mad at myself for not feeling bad he died, but have a hard time feeling bad because he is a stranger and he's a stranger because his parents stopped him from getting to know me. I remember my nieces (my sister's daughters who grew up with me around) telling me that my nephew and other nieces would make fun of "gay uncle Stephen" and they would stick up for me telling their cousin (who didn't know me at all) how great Uncle Stephen and Walter were and to stop talking bad about us because they didn't know us. I am ANGRY that they could speak words like that about someone they never met and can only assume they heard such negative things by someone who did know me, my brother and his wife. I am angry the most I know about this nephew is that he was adamantly against gay marriage, had made fun of his gay uncle, and he was friendly (according to people on Facebook commenting about him). When I met him he seemed funny and pretty nice.

That brings me back to more feelings...feelings of regret for not being included or trying harder to be included. I not not one to beg to be in someone's life. You either want me there or not. If you want me there I am there for you always. You don't want me there, no skin off my back. Begging to be there is a waste of my time and energy. So it is not in my personality to try to be in someone's life who clearly doesn't want me there. So I didn't try. I did my small part of sending my brother's family a Christmas card each year...many year with no return card. I wanted to remind them I am still here whether you want me here or not. But my efforts rarely went beyond that; honestly it was more than they were doing so I felt I was at least putting some effort. I don't regret not doing more. I regret they didn't do more until recently.

I feel for my niece who I don't know at all other than the 30 minute meeting where I met me nephew. She was driving the car that ultimately killed her brother. I feel for her and the mental damage it will do to her. I feel bad, not as a family member, but as a human being looking from the outside.

I feel scared and anxious. I plan to go to the funeral. In doing so I am going to have to deal with a lot of things I prefer not to: my sister in law, my dad and his cunt wife, the Mormon church and all the hypocrites I grew up around in that religion. I plan, need, to bring my husband. It will be the first time he meets/sees (since I don't intend on interacting with my dad and his cunt wife) a lot of my family. I know I need to go. I need to support my brother. Times like these are not about me and having to deal, they are about being there for those we love even if it is a mental sacrifice.

So many feelings this morning that I needed to get out. I feel much better now.

Unemployment Day 1

It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. As the title of this post suggests, I no longer have a job. I could make it a long drawn out story as to why I no longer have a job, but I think it's better that I leave short and sweet. The short of it is, I followed my own advice and at the same time I went against my own advice. Here's what I mean; for years I would tell people that "if you hate your job, quit." I also would tell them that "it's really stupid to quit a job when you don't have another job to go to." So what did I do? I hated my job so I quit...without another job... and I've never been happier.

Today is the first day unemployed. I've not not had a job since we quit our jobs in Las Vegas in 2008 and moved to Austin. It only took a month and a half for me to find a temp job and start working again. It took me another few months to find a permanent position and be working full-time. I thought that I would be more scared this point, And maybe next week, on Monday morning, when I have no job to go to, the fear will kick in, but as of right now I feel alive. I feel invigorated. I feel excited. I feel like I took the only obstacle out of my life that was stopping me from moving forward. Frankly, I feel FUCKING AMAZING!

So what am I doing on my first day of unemployment? Hell, it's Saturday so I'm doing nothing! I cleaned up the kitchen. I've made breakfast and coffee. I'm contemplating cleaning the house, but instead I'm watching a little television. I might box for little bit. I decided to write for a little bit as you can see. I've also danced in my kitchen, sang around the house, and I've been smiling all day so far.

I didn't quite expect this to be my reaction to being unemployed. I thought I would be a lot more stressed out. I thought I'd be spending this first day digging into job postings trying to apply for whatever I could. I thought that I'd be learning a skill or practicing my Excel workbooks and worksheets, trying to get ahead of the game before Monday hit, and I realize that my world has completely changed when I wake up and have nowhere to go. My relaxed attitude kind of scares me. Maybe it's because I expected myself to react differently. Maybe my relaxed attitude because my gut is telling me what I did was right and that what's waiting ahead for me is infinitely better than what I'm leaving behind. As for the rest of today, I'm going to continue on this happiness hi that I'm riding right now.

Another one Bites the Dust

Well, the last 30 days have been a time for death. I really only thought this happened once you pass 70. Another "friend" died. Its been over a week since I heard. It has taken me that long to process this one. I used quotes around the friend in this because we were no longer friends. It's what happens when there is a falling out.

I have not cried yet. I have yet to feel deeply sad...well, sad at all. I have been thinking about this off and on and have come to the conclusion that the sad part of this whole event is not that he died, but how and that it took his death to hear from friends I don't hear from regularly.

The lesson is loud and clear:
LIVE Healthy. 
BE Active.
DON'T Wait to do things. 
TELL Those you love that you love them regularly. 
CONTACT Those far away more often than at holidays. 
REMEMBER Who loves you. 
LIVE LIFE EVERY DAY.

Street Festivals and I

So I am finding that street festivals thrive in Chicago. There are at least 5 each weekend in different neighborhoods. There is a neighborhood fest, German fest, Polish fest, bacon fest, rib fest, and I could just keep going on and on. The thing about these fests are, they are practically all the same! A street closes down. A company comes in with the same beer and furnishes the booze. And there are some similar over priced foods involved. It is crowded and in my opinion, not that fun.

I think mainly I don't enjoy them because I don't like beer much. So to sit in the heat drinking something I don't enjoy, being in a crowd of people (which I don't like crowds either), and eat food that is not that great and way over priced just doesn't sound that fun to me. I have hit a total of 4 street festivals since I moved here (Plus Gay Pride and Market Days) and I really don't feel the need to do them again. There is always the hope that one will be a little different, but like the Cathedrals of Europe, once you've seen a few, they all tend to look the same after that. Give me a beach day. I'd much rather do that!