Lack of Christmas Spirit

Today is Christmas. That is all.

My Feelings Post Tattoo

So there was something sort of therapeutic about getting this tattoo. I don't feel like a different person, but I do feel different. I feel like I am finally expressing myself and not caring what others will think.

I think that a lot of what held me back from getting a tattoo was the thought of what my mom would say. I know that sounds lame, but that thought is there with so many things. Part of my now does not care. She sees me once or twice a year. It is something she does not agree with, but she doesn't agree with a lot of things in my life: living so far away from her, being gay, not going to church, my facial hair, my haircut, etc. So why do I care about this?

Another thing plaguing me was the permanence of the tattoo. Once its there, it don't go away unless you wanna go through some major pain. That was pretty long term for me. I realized however, that if I liked it, I would never get tired of it.

So back to my feelings post getting it. I feel somehow more confident. I feel a bit more sexy and attractive. I feel a bit more out of the box. Creative. Daring. Rebellious. I feel a little more...me. It is as if the inside me, is now starting to show on the outside. Sure, it started with the Mohawk...but that comes and goes with my mood. This is part of me now. Probably the most expensive piece of art I will ever buy (and the easiest to move). I am excited. I embrace it. I feel like a new chapter has begun!

My New Tattoo

Around fifteen years ago, my friend Derek and I decided we wanted to get some tattoos. We headed to the parlor and picked out the most awesome tribal bands! We were so excited. The excitement ended with the realization we did not have enough cash to pay for these tattoos. We never went back. Thank god we did not since we all know how over done and 90's the tribal bands are/were.

Since then there has been a desire in the back of my mind that I wanted to get one. I didn't know what but would occasionally see others and envy them. I remember the cute Asian blackjack player who frequented my casino and had the coolest Japanese ocean scene on his arm. When I asked him to see the rest, he pulled up his shirt to this beautiful scene. I figured, wow, he took something beautiful from his culture and made it art on his body. What I realize now is that he probably had no cultural connection to it, but liked it, so got it. That has been my problem with deciding on a tattoo to get. I thought it had to have some meaning to me. I decided on a space scape from a picture from the Hubble Telescope. I though, "Hey, I have always been enamored with space since childhood, this will surely  mean something to me!" Then I could not commit to it. I have obvious commitment issues. It is a wonder Walter and I have been together almost 12 years! I knew I wanted one and could not commit to one. I thought the Doctor Who Tardis, a Stormtrooper, Thundercats symbol, were all worthy to be on me. Things I love, show my geekiness, and I don't think I would ever hate or get sick of. What if I had an artist combine them all? Still, the thought, with no commitment. I kept seeing the Japanese style peonies; bright vibrant colors, pinks and oranges, with black clouded backgrounds. They were stunning. I wanted one, but it had no meaning to me other than I thought they were beautiful. Then it hit me..."If I am going to have to look at something the rest of my life, it needs to be beautiful, not meaningful. It is traveling art; something I love to look at all the time. That is the meaning of it. Beauty."

It was Walter's decision, actually, to go get a tattoo on his birthday. Our friend Anthony recommended his tattoo artist. He had recently got one. We noted the name of the parlor and kept it in the back of our minds, Walter more so than I. It was Walter, wanting to get his birthday tattoo and the speedy coming of this birthday that caused him one day to search out an artist. He loved the artist's enthusiasm to come up with the design for him. I didn't meet Cameron until we brought him some cash to start the drawing. When I was looking over his art wall in the shop, I saw he did a lot of the types of work that I wanted. It was then I asked him if he could do it. His excitement went out the roof. Apparently, it was his specialty and he hadn't done it in a very long time. He was so excited to do it.

I figured, go big or don't do it at all, so I decided on a half sleeve. People think I am crazy, but that is what I was finding beautiful and I wanted it. Not some half assed small thing that was, in my eyes, lame. I put my desires into words and Cameron put them onto paper. It was 10 days from the time I told him til the time I saw the design. That was 5 days ago. I got it yesterday.

Right now it is only the outline. In 2 weeks I will get some color, then finish it maybe 2 weeks after that with all the shading.

Rethinking the White Picket Fence

My whole life I've been taught that being successful as a person was having your own home. That proverbial white picket fence that everybody wants. As I'm experiencing life more I've owned two homes. I've had the fence. And you know what I don't want it anymore!

It's funny because I hear reports lately where it is reported that having home is not a sound investment anymore. It's not what our parents told us that a home always lasts and always keeps it value. Homes are liabilities now. It's a liability I don't think I want anymore.

Yeah renting for the past 3 1/2 years is really open my mind to the difference between renting and owning a home. Again, owning a home is something that I always wanted because it was something I was always was supposed to want. I realize now, it's something I may not ever want again. Partially because it's too much responsibility and really, no security. 

Here's a list of things that I realized why renting is better than owning:

1. You can move anytime you want without having to sell a house.

2. You can change locations in your city, every year if you choose, if you get tired of where you're living.

3. If something breaks you don't have to pay to fix it!

4. No property taxes! Sometimes those can really get up there in price depending on where you live in the value of where you're at.

5. More expendable income. You have more income because you don't have to sit and keep fixing things up on your own house. If your apartment or condo gets run down too much, you either move or you ask them to fix it for you.

6. Want to pool? Then rent a place that has a pool!

Here are the things I realize why owning is sometimes better than renting:

1. You can decorate and do anything you want with your home. You can tear out the kitchen if you don't like it and replace it. You can change the flooring. You can paint the walls any color you want and not care to have to paint them back when you move.

2. If you plan to stay in one place for very long time, then you might make some money on your house when you decide to move.

3. Your rent can go up. Your mortgage, when you refinance, can go down.

4. The tax write off!

When I mentioned to my mom that I didn't think I ever wanted to buy a living space again she didn't really accept the thought. She pretty much said that it was the stupidest idea. I can understand where she's coming from since in her generation that was the American dream. What she doesn't understand is I look at all the money that she and my dad put into our homes growing up and all that money that could have been put into stocks, bonds, 401(k)s, money market accounts, that they would probably be retiring a lot better off than what they are now. Not that they are lacking in their retirement. My dad had the city job with a good pension. But all the extra expendable income that they used to replace floors, air conditioners, services on the house, etc., doesn't seem like a good enough payoff. I know in our first home, we made a lot of money because we bought in a market that was rising so quickly. But in our second house, the market declined and we lost more than what we gained from the first. It's kind of like a game; Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. In the end we lost.

Currently we pay about $1200 a month for rent. In a home that we could afford to buy, here in Austin, TX, (say a $140,000 home) our mortgage would only be around $950 a month. Sounds like renting is stupid now. We could be in more space and own something for less. But wait, I forgot to add that property taxes would be about $350 a month, HOA fees would be an additional $150 a month on top of a larger heating/cooling bill, sanitation, yard maintenance, home owners insurance, and trying to keep something left over in the bank just incase something breaks down (like the A/C). So my rent is looking pretty awesome. Let me now mention that the place I could buy, if translated into an apartment would actually make my rent (like for like) around $800 a month since what I could afford to buy would be in a lower grade neighborhood, not as close to work or social life, and not as nice since it would be older and probably need renovations. So really, I can live in a better place renting, than I can buy for less.

While this is only my perception, I think it works for me and I don't think I ever want to own a home again. That may change. Maybe one day I'll make a lot more money where extra expenses don't matter to me and I really need that tax write off. Maybe one day I will want to be settled down a little more in one place. But for me right now, I'm not that settled down, and I don't make enough to really need the tax write off. I think I'll stay renting for a while and keep that freedom in my life and money in my pocket!

*Disclaimer - I am fully aware that in many places in the United States that house costs and property  taxes are not as high to where buying is much more economical, unfortunately, I don't want to live in any of those places.

Evolution of a Relationship

I believe in evolution. No, not the theory of evolution (well, I do as it was intended) but in evolution of people. I believe to be successful in life, one should be in constant evolution. Learning, experiencing, digging into your soul for who you really are (not how society has shaped you), are all ways that cause us to evolve. I like to consider myself ever evolving. I like to hope that everyone around me is doing the same. I think we are. That is why some friends come while others go. Some friends you grow closer with while others you just don't mesh anymore because of the evolution of one, the other, or both.

I think part of a successful evolving relationship is where communication is involved talking about newly accepted changes, learnings, feelings, etc. When this communication lacks, the relationship may fall apart, or become highly distant and/or complicated.

This is what makes good friends great and mediocre friends fade away. People do enter your life at the right time to teach you something new. I am never sad to lose a friend who taught me something that made me better. While I am sad when they fade away or drop off completely, I accept it and move on.

Sometimes these relationships require new rules. Good example is that my mother and I NEVER talk about politics. It keeps peace and harmony when we are together. It does not mean that I an silent about my views, we just know that it causes contention where it is not necessary so avoid the topic. I think this is good at finding where your ground is with people. I avoid religious topics with some friends, child rearing frustrations with others. I just want a peaceful life and as an observer, know who and who not to talk to about certain subjects. I keep my identity, yet keep the peace too.

I know and understand boundaries. I know and understand how to push some boundaries too. That is part of evolution. Pushing boundaries to move ahead and helping others when you think they are ready. Nothing is better than becoming in sync with someone and progressing with them through change. It is symbiotic.

I sure hope I never stop in my evolution in life. I hope my friends never hit a stagnant spot either. Move on and move forward. Become better. And all the other cliches.

Not Sure Why I Am Feeling Like This

So it has been long known that I think marriage is a crock of shit. Most people are not faithful, most marriages now days end in divorce, and a lot that do survive are miserable. I personally don't think I need a piece of paper or a ring or a ceremony to tell the world I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't need vows, I don't need recognition. Those who matter know our love for each other, and those who don't matter, well, don't matter. What I DO need is that safety that a marriage provides to my rights as a life partner. The rights to make decisions in my partners illness or death. The rights to have closure on my terms and bury him how he wanted and vice versa. If all my family is dead before I die and the last relative I have is an estranged sibling or niece/nephew, I don't want them touching my funeral, my assets, etc. That is what I want my partner to do. I don't think I should have to pay a lawyer to draft up powers of attorney for us to get these same legal rights that a drunken couple who just met and walk into a courthouse and pay $30 for a license and get married can do. That is FUCKED UP!

So, North Carolina, Amendment 1, is really bugging me that it passed last night. I don't live there. I don't plan to live there. It has happened in so many other states and never really bothered me before. So why now?

That being said, I wonder why the whole North Carolina Amendment 1 is pissing me off so bad, but reading back on it, I guess I do. It is the fact that ignorant bigots are VOTING TO SECLUDE ME FROM RIGHTS THAT ANY IN-BRED, REDNECK, MOTHER FUCKERS CAN DO 15 TIMES AND I CANNOT DO ONCE. Maybe, just maybe, that is what is pissing me off so badly today. Another thing that pisses me off is the some of the same people voting to seclude me from these CIVIL RIGHTS are those who not even 50 years ago were fighting for civil rights themselves. If they remembered that civil rights are the issue here, not what "Jesus", their preacher, or "the Bible" say, then this whole thing would never have passed or come close!

Now, I realize there is a lot of hate and judgement in getting this off my chest, so I want to  thank those who are educated enough, who are sympathetic to the human race, who are open minded, who are loving and voted against this movement in North Carolina. They should be recognized and I apologize to the readers if I sound at all condescending. I probably am.

Wow..I feel so much better now. Guess I just needed to get it out there!

Moving On Only Means Starting a New Chapter

As I sit alone in a home with empty walls and boxes piled high, I sit and contemplate on the past 2 years and 3 months we have lived here. While it was the best of times, it was also the worst of times. Some of the most trying time for Walter and I, and some of the most successful times of my career. Changes and rearrangements come in so many ways to our living spaces as much as it does to our lives. I feel it necessary to reflect on the events of the past few years we lived in this apartment.

We moved in with a rent higher than originally budgeted, but the apartment was fantastic. Roomy, large, and great to have social gatherings in. We started off with a new couch; orange, modern. We had all our other furniture that we had been hauling with us since we left Las Vegas only a year before. We could make the rent fine, it was just cutting out the little things that needed to happen, but that was ok. I was finally working full time at Whole Foods and Walter was working at West Elm. It was the first time since we moved to Austin that everything seemed to be coming together.

I was still interviewing for a "real" job. I could not find anything. No bites. It was when I heard back that I did not get the communications position that I interviewed for before we moved in that I realized that I was looking outside for things that really compromised my belief system, and for what? A job? Not that Whole Foods is perfect, but I can at least say I believe at least 90% in the company goals, ideals, and vision. I could not say that with the other places I was applying. The last interview made me realized that. I stayed with Whole Foods and landed a nice entry level job in accounts payable. It was not any AP job, but a job where innovation and creativity were needed to create a whole new process for the company. I was excited and thrived at the challenge. I was able to get a 40% increase in pay and make my own hours. So awesome. I loved my boss and my team and enjoyed going to work, even when it was a 50-60 hour week. That job progressed and a year later I was a lead for my position and shortly after was able to jump into a new project, starting it from scratch again. A new challenge. More excitement. More money. Walter wasn't doing to bad at his job either. Raise after raise he built up his pay to a decent salary as well. Financially, this apartment has seen us through some good times.

It was a few months after we moved in that Walter finally went to the doctor. His t-cells were low; below 90. His viral load through the roof. His health was not good and he had to admit it and take care of it, which he did. He started on his regime of meds. His t-cells started to rise, his viral load became undetectable, his body reacting horribly to side effects of the meds too. It was after our 10 year anniversary that he became so paranoid by the insanely vivid dreams he was having that we argued every day and night; sometimes in the middle of the night. Life was a living hell and I much preferred being at work than I did at home. I loved him, but I did not love what my life was like with him at this point. It was around 2am when we were screaming at each other where I told him he needed to figure it out or I was leaving. The next morning I pulled up the side effect list for his medications and top of the list were some of the top things he was experiencing. While I told him to call his doctor immediately and "get it the fuck fixed", it took him talking to a friend, who is a nurse, to get him to call and make the appointment. She mentioned to write down all his problems to take in so he did not forget any. When he asked me for help to make it, I had no problem belting out the first 30. The next morning he made that appointment. The doctor saw him the next day, changed his meds, and within 2 days he was back to his normal self. I never feared losing Walter so much as I did at this time, but I never intend to live in that hell either. We made it to our eleventh anniversary, thankfully, happy.

The apartment time also saw Walter's sister get married. It was fun to help her shop for dresses (which we found the most stunning one for her). We helped give ideas for colors, venues, flowers. It was fun! A year later was not so fun when her pregnancy did not fair so well. While her premature child lived a few hours on this earth, she was taken too soon and Walter felt a sorrow he had never felt before.

The time in the apartment also saw my little brother's motorcycle accident. For the first time, I think I cried because I really thought he would not make it through. He did. Not too well. He still has problems, and definitely did not learn anything from the experience. I always hope one day he will grow up, walk on his own, not manipulate or scare people into getting what he wants, and just be the good person who sometimes peaks out, but is buried under all his fear and regret.

During the past 2 years my mother had 2 knee surgeries. The second one I was there for. Stayed 9 days to help her. It was hard. Not in a physical way, but in the way that you see your mother getting old. You see her in pain and can do nothing for her. You see that they way she lives her life is not the way she needs to in her "golden" years. No rest with a jobless son who guilts her into providing for him, or a daughter who steals when she comes to visit, or a granddaughter who has fended for herself her whole life being dumped there to live. Yes, there has been a lot of family stress in the past 2 years and 3 months. A lot. I have realized that I cannot change it. I cannot force them to change it. All I can do is be there to listen to it with a rational ear and a hearing ear.

We gained many new friends in the past 2 years too. On top of those, some mighty fine acquaintances as well. All wonderful people who have joined us for birthdays, New Years dinners, holidays, and poker nights. New and old combine, but we just look at them all as friends, and we love them.

Speaking of people we love, a few of them have come to stay the night with us a time or two. We had the pleasure of having Albert here, Zak, Matthew, Neva and Walter (Walter's parents), Angela and Richard (Walter's sister and husband), Dianna, Christine, Wendy, Alicia, Phil, and Cat. These friends and family members blessed our home with their presence and endured us as hosts. It is those who you welcome into your house that makes it a home. Thank you.

So many meals cooked I cannot count, but many fond memories were made with food. It could have been our first 5 course meal on New Years Eve, 2010, or the one in 2011. Could have been the first time Walter and I learned to make pasta from scratch. Could have been the testing of the foods we ate in Italy and somehow recreated here at home (thanks to some very detailed notes we took while eating there). It could be the wonderful weekend breakfasts that I get to enjoy with Walter when he does not work first thing in the morning. So much heart was put into the kitchen here, the ghosts of great times will surround it for a long time to come.

So in the beginning I mentioned the change in our living space. Here is a quick rundown of those changes:

Projection TV out, LCD TV in.

2 new bookshelves in.

Orange couch out, purple couch in, which changed to a steal blue couch currently.

TV stand turned into coffee table.

New TV stand and cupboard.

Old desk out, 2 smaller desks in.

Living room had 3 full rearrangements, bedroom 2, and the office 2.

Old bed out, new bed in.

With the move we got rid of a lot too. Here are the biggest things:

Old couch, broken up. First 2 pieces to Dan over a year ago, second two to Emily a few months ago.

Dresser- the huge 15 drawer dresser that Walter wanted to get rid of this in Las Vegas. Finally got rid of it now.

Curio. While we loved it, it was not going with the new aesthetic and really not much room for it in the new, smaller place.

Coffee table. Yup, the one that used to be a TV stand, going to Damon and Robyn. We don't need it anymore, they do. Also got the comfy chair that was no longer needed by us.

Artwork. A lot of it. Gone. Went to good friends into good homes. We kept the good, meaningful stuff. Still will miss some of what we gave away though.

If you are wondering why I am listing all this, reminiscing about these times, it is mainly because this blog is a journal of my thoughts and feelings and this apartment hosted a lot of my thoughts and feelings, successes and trials, and I feel it only fitting to close this chapter of my book of life with a tribute to the past 2 years and 3 months her at the Tramor at the Hills apartment. It was awesome, even in its hardest times, it was awesome! Now it is time to begin the next chapter.

Day 13

So here it is, the final day of trying to be good. What have I learned over the past 13 days? Well, it is really hard to not have gluten sometimes. A burrito is not the same without the flour tortilla. A hamburger, while healthier eating it on a lettuce leaf, is just not the same without the bun. I learned that while I was good a majority of the time, the 20% that I was not did not kill me, it just slowed me down from losing weight, but weight was still lost. I also learned that portion control is up to me, not the restaurant, not Walter, nor anyone else. If I don't want to eat it all in a restaurant, then I will not and take the rest home. I also learned, or better, was reminded that you make really bad food choices when you don't get enough rest, when you are drinking, when you are overly hungry. Avoid those and I you will be better at avoiding bad foods.

So food for today. I had a smoothie. I ran out of almond milk, so it had about 1/4 cup almond milk and the rest water. Bad. It tasted fine, but I was hungry a mere 3 hours later which is not good when I drank it at 6am. I ate a LARA Bar for a snack. Lunch consisted of the last of my awesome pot roast with broccoli and couscous. Dinner I made pasta primavera and added some albacore tuna to it. We each ate 2 helpings. I got a bit snackie later and ate some Love Crunch organic granola. So I weighed myself this morning and gained 2.2 pounds. Here are some more lessons learned...

You can eat what you want, but you gotta burn it off too. Right now, with me not exercising, I'm burning pretty much what I consume. After 13 days, I only lost about a half pound. The times I ate less, I lost, but imagine if I had been burning more too. I can take a log of lessons from this but when it boils down to it, I can eat as healthy as I want, but without exercising to burn off any extra, I am not gonna lose anything more than a few pounds here and there. The moral of the story: move more.

Catch up for Days 9-12

Well, it was pointed out to me last night that I had not updated my blog. (Thanks Kay!) I had to agree, but I did not realize that it had been since last Friday that I did it. So here it goes....

I have not been really good. I am not sure what is up with me. Stress? Anxiety? Not sure. I have had gluten...too much in the past 4 days. I seem to be doing fine on the sugars, good on the oils (except last night) and soy, well that is easy to not eat since I have not had it in so long (other than when they sneak it into foods). Oddly, I have been eating more dairy than usual. Mostly in the form of cheese. Not massive blocks of cheese by any means, but I usually don't have any, so the small amount I have been ingesting is "more".

So I had weighed myself on Saturday. I lost another half pound bringing me to a full 3 lbs lost by day 9. Healthy amount, and seriously, after the pizza and wings night, I was thrilled to have lost anything!

Now to the food part. Well, Saturday Walter and I ate a nice breakfast of eggs with broccoli, potatoes with onion (and ketchup on top..mmmm), and coffee. We did a little shopping and while out, I was craving burgers, so I bought the stuff to make them. Yes, gluten in the bun. I had to. I made Bleu Cheese Burgers for lunch. They were awesome! Some horseradish and smoked salt mixed with the meat and some bleu cheese melted on top. They rocked. I was full the rest of the day until we went to a friend's house for dinner. She is gluten free so it was easy to avoid gluten there. She had made some cheese stuffed chicken breasts which were delishous. A lovely salad with a strawberry balsamic (no oil), and some risotto. It was so nice. I did enjoy 2 glasses of white wine.

Sunday: well, it was "SUNDAY FUNDAY" and boy was it. It started off at Kerby Lane and I had an Chicken Verde Omlete and on the side some Gluten Free Apple Spice Pancakes. OMG! Those pancakes were amazing! I was shocked they were gluten free. Then we drank. All afternoon and evening. From 2pm until 8pm. According to our receipt, I had 8 mimosas and a Xrated Vodka drink...at the first bar. Second bar I had...shit, I really don't know what I had. I remember there were 2 of them and a shot of butterscotch and something known as a "cocksucker". I did however drink 2 glasses of water there too. I remember that! At the last place, there was a shot again (damn those shots!). Not sure what it was. It was a bartender choice shot. Then another Xrated vodka thingy. I stopped at this point. Mind you, Walter drank exactly the same thing as I did. So take all that I just listed and double it! UGH!! After some sobering up, we headed home. I stopped and got a burrito at Taco Cabana. It was good, but the gluten in the tortilla was...well, gluten. After eating that, we decided we were still starving (mind you, it is 9pm now), and went to Taco Bell and got some burittos, tostadas and chicken soft tacos. Not he best choice of food, but effective.

Monday was a long day. Not only after the booze day we had the day before, but allergies, and effects of Taco Bell. Ugh. I had my smoothie for breakfast. Lunch, well I was not well behaved. I think it was still the after effects of the alcohol escaping my system. I had some smoked sausages and double the side of mac and cheese. OMG! GLUTEN AND CHEESE! Oh it was so good though! I was a little more bad. In the store they had Parmesean Crisps. Basically you throw fresh parm on a skillet and melt it together and make it crispy like a cracker. I bought some of those. I ate half the container. See, no self control 2 days in a row!! For dinner I had made a pot roast. I was behaved and added a side of couscous, fresh broccoli and made a nice gravy for it. I ate a reasonable portion and packaged the rest up for lunch for Tuesday and Wednesday. I had a dessert of baby food; pears and mangos. It was great. Don't judge people. It is a good portion, sweet enough because it is pure fruit, and it is organic.

Tuesday, I woke and had my smoothie. Walter made us cappuccinos too. I was so tired when I got to work that I had to go down and get an energy drink. I got hungry mid-morning so ate the rest of the Parmesean Crisps. Lunch was my awesome pot roast. I had a non-fat milk caramel macchiato in the afternoon (about 240 calories). I was really bitchy yesterday though. I got no sleep. The neighbor above was playing his fucking video games all night and I did not fall asleep until about 2:30. I was up at 5:30. So I was very iritable all day. I am surprized I did not eat the farm! So I stayed at work an hour later because Walter and I carpooled. We headed home. I had nothing planned for dinner so once we sat in traffic, we decided to hit happy hour at NXNW. Ok, here is where I lost it. Gluten and oil. We had 2 beers each (gluten). Got onion rings (oil and gluten), calamari (oil and gluten), and 2 individual pizzas (gluten and if you count the sausage, more oil). We went home and crashed. My spirits were up at this point. Maybe it was a beer, maybe it was not being at work, maybe it was Walter. Who cares though. I sleep well last night.

Today is the last day....of the "trying" part. It definitely is not the last day of doing though. I will sum up tonight how I feel it all went. Until then....

Hate vs. Tolerate

With the political debates going on, the stories of bullying, the fight for gay marriage, and the conflicts in the Middle East, there seems to be a lot of hate being slung all over the place. I am not sure why as humans we are too stupid to figure out the damaging effects of hate. It is something we are not born to do. It is something we learn.

I read I great article by Shawn Blackburn talking about this thing we learn, hate. There were so many points that were amazing that I think it would be worth others reading as well. But what I want to know is why do we still hate? We are smart people.

I have a friend from high school that posts her political views very intelligently on Facebook, no different than others post. She had friends argue with her and ultimately "unfriend" her there. Is this a hateful action? I think it is. Instead of realize that her views were different then theirs and understand that everyone thinks and believes differently, it was easier to argue and then not talk to her anymore. THAT IS IGNORANT!

I was sorrowed to hear of another teenager resorting to suicide over being bullied in school. I wonder if this happens because the bully feels bullied at home and needs to regain power, so bullies at school. Is it a power issue? Or is it just pure evil? I don't think it is pure evil. I think they learned how to be bullied elsewhere by being bullied. But why? Where does it stop? When will it end? Is it worse now with the open media outlets? or do we just hear about it more now? What makes it ok? and where the fuck are the parents?

Why can we not learn to just accept others for who they are, what the believe, how they act, and move on? What causes us to draw lines? The article mentioned above talks of ethnocentricity. I think this is part of it. We fear what is unfamiliar to us so we demonize it rather than try to understand and accept it.

I learned a long time ago that I was not going to agree with everyone or understand everyone. I will never forget when I was on my mission and I had a friend who talked about going nude at the beach with his whole family. To me I could not comprehend seeing my family naked. It was not my culture. Not how I grew up. To him, he could not understand why it was odd to me because it was so normal to him. It taught me a huge lesson. It taught me that the way we were raised is not the way everyone was raised and I needed to understand that to understand people and accept them.

I may just be babbling now, but can't we focus on learning and teaching to just tolerate rather than hate? I think that is something that will bring a lot more peace to the world; more than war and bullying (and I am not just talking in schools, but in politics, pulpits, foreign relations, etc.). I may be idealistic in my thinking, but hey, isn't that where the best things begin?

Days 7 & 8 Here I am!

Well, I am a bit off yet again, but there I am to catch up. It is not that I was bad or that I was avoiding this. I actually just was busy and tired.

I admittedly have not been great on the gluten free thing. Yesterday I had more gluten in the form of mini burger buns (work provided lunch) and a piece of dulce de leche cake which was for my birthday celebration at work. Yes, I gave in and had it. So back to my eating for yesterday. I had my usual smoothie (can you tell I like them in the mornings?). For lunch it was mini burgers at work. One was lamb, one veggie, one was turkey and oh yeah, I did have a 4th of beef. It was with some rice crackers (6) and some cheeses that were there also. Dinner was nice really healthy though. I made some chicken thighs (skinless) in red wine with fennel tops to season it.

For the sides I had some steamed spinach seasoned with some fennel powder, cumin and a little garlic salt. Also made some butternut squash and sprinkled some cinnamon on top (picture above). Oh, I did also have some hummus and rice crackers for a snack while waiting for Walter to come home. I didn't do the peanut butter like I did the day before. I was good :).

Today was not horrible. I had eggs with mushrooms and red peppers and some hash browns in the morning. For lunch I made some fresh burgers with some horseradish and smoked salt in them, topped with some blue cheese on a buttermilk bun. Yes, I know..more gluten. I was craving. I had 2 cups of coffee; one at work and one at home since I came home at 10am today. For dinner I attempted to make my mom's waffle recipe using gluten free flours and almond milk. I cannot say it was bad. I was actually surprised how they turned out. Good enough to have 2. One had syrup (and the real 100% maple kind, none of that high fructose corn syrup shit) and the other had organic strawberry jam. I added some "fried" eggs (3) to it. I basically sprayed a nonstick pan with PAM and cooked my eggs that way so they were kind of "fried". I drank water and have been pleasantly full since.

So, I have a problem with gluten. I guess when you cannot have something you want it even more. I have been eating it moderately with I am proud of. I am proud that I pulled the skin off the chicken when I cooked it last night and it was still delicious. I was proud that I did not eat out which meant I had better food and most likely better portions. I was even stopped by a second coworker today to be asked if I was losing weight because she saw my yesterday and was like "WOW'. So it was nice to see my efforts going. Tomorrow is a weigh in day. I will see how it goes. Last time I had lost 2.2 lbs. I am hoping to see more tomorrow, but fear my gluten and bad "pizza choice" might be my downfall this week. In the morning it will be known! Until then...good night.

So day 6. Here I am!

Well, I think I am doing well. I even got an unsolicited comment that I looked like I was losing weight. It was nice to say I had and that I have dropped a whole belt notch. It has been a busy week here for me though. Just a lot going on at work and allergies and making me exhausted. DAMN YOU CEDAR FEVER!! Anyhow my food for today so far:


Breakfast was my ever so tasty smoothie. I am glad that I have run out of the coconut milk for them and tomorrow will be back on almond milk!


Lunch part 1 was at about 10:45am. I packed soup. The same from earlier. I still have some frozen to keep for days like these when I had nothing prepared. Unfortunately it did not do it for me. Kept me going for the next 2 hours or meetings, but not much past. So for lunch part 2 I went to the store and got a baked potato with lean brisket, BBQ sauce, cheese and sour cream. It sounds heavy, and the cheese and sour cream were probably not the best thing to add to it, but it was damn good! Not sure the plan for dinner tonight. I am thinking a large salad, but a few hours from now, after sitting in an hour of traffic, who knows what I am going to do!

Ok. In all honesty, dinner didn't go so well. I got home after a long almost 12 hour day. I knew Walter was almost off and I was so not in the mood to cook ESPECIALLY since the kitchen was still dirty from the night before. I pulled out some rice crackers and ate half the package (about 190 calories). I dipped about half in hummus and half in natural peanut butter. Talk about a mixture of light and fat! OMG! What was I thinking! I was not. My blood sugar was probably so low, I was seriously not thinking at all. But wait...it gets worse. Walter comes home and I ask him what he wants. We banter through a few things, none of which sound good. Mind you, it is 7:30pm now. Finally Walter states he really wants pizza. Well folks, I lost it. Pizza did sound good to me too....AND WINGS! So I hop online and headed to pizzahut.com. I cannot say I am too proud of this moment, nor of the ordering of a large everything pizza and 14 honey bar-b-que wings. We finished eating. It was good. I cannot say I regret it. Proud of it I am not. But in a moment of tired weakness, it happened. We went to bed shortly after.

Day 4-6...a little late

So I am a bit behind on this. I am not sure what happened. I know I was really tired and did not do it Monday and Tuesday. I think somehow Sunday just got away from me. But I think I am doing pretty well. I did have a little gluten in the form of tortillas. Honestly, I did try to get corn on Monday, but being a holiday, the restaurants supplier was closed. Anyhow, here is the rundown for the past few days:

Sunday:
Breakfast with Walter of breakfast potatoes with very little oil, steamed greens, and eggs. Lunch was at Rudy's BBQ. I went for the lean brisket (yes, I did not get the juicy kind). I also had a sausage and some bean and potato salad. Dinner that night I had been cooking ribs all day and had those with corn and some really AWESOME gluten free cornbread I made. I had maple syrup with the corn bread. I know, not much on cutting back the sugar with that one, but it make it so great!

Monday:
My typical breakfast smoothie, Lunch was left over ribs and a salad with tomatoes, a little feta, and some vinaigrette. Dinner was where I had the gluten. We went to Hugo's and I had 3 margaritas (they are so good there and were only $2.50 each on Monday night) the Dueling Enchiladas (and from their website are: pulled chicken, wrapped in flour tortillas, drenched in salsa verde and roja enchilada sauce. Served with rice and black beans). So not a bad choice. Really good and really fresh. I did ask for corn tortillas instead and their supplier was closed for the holiday. Still goo fresh food though!

Tuesday:
Same breakfast smoothie. Lunch was still some left over ribs and a salad with feta, tomatoes and vinaigrette. Dinner, well we really tried to be good. I cam home and we made some talapia filets broiled with seasoning and fennel tops and lemon. We chopped up some kohlrabi and steamed it for the side and Walter made a lovely salad with carrots, tomatoes and vinaigrette. Then we went shopping. Love World Market! Bought some stools for the new place and finally found chairs for our table that we really like. While we were there we both started getting hungry. AGAIN! If I had not drank the Nile that day, I would have just thought I was dehydrated. Walter agreed, it was more than that. So on our way home we stopped at Taco Cabana and got burritos. Mine was chicken with rice, lettuce, pico and cheese. Again, in a flour tortilla. So gluten again! But very little. Oh..I almost forgot. I had a hand full of peanuts too. It keep me satiated and I was fine the rest of the night. Fortunately it was a few hours before bedtime.

So there it is. I am all caught up and really going to try to do it more daily, but promise I will catch up if I don't.

Day 3 Started Great!

Why you are wondering did it start off great? Well, I slept pretty well. I woke up early and decided to weigh myself. Wait for it......-2.2 pound. Oh yeah! I am not starving, and other than some gas (damn greens and fiber), not feeling uncomfortable. So the morning began well. Once Walter woke up I made some coffee with agave nectar and coconut creamer. For breakfast we had some steamed greens, eggs, and boiled then PAM "fried" sweet potato hash with some onion. I sprinkled some cinnamon on the hash and it was awesome!

Lunch was a trip to Torchy's with Willie. I did good and chose the corn tortillas again (I am not a huge fan of them, but getting used to it now) and had a Democrat and a Trailer Park "trashy". So I had some extra queso on the Trailer Park, but it was good. I had a coffee from Coffee Bean (a White Chocolate Latte..my favorite) on my way home.

Dinner, well I am still working on that. I am not in the mood for anything so I am warming up some of that soup from the other day and gonna combine it with an omelet. The omelet will prob have a little cheese for flavor and fat but nothing else. That's it! Off to eat!

Day 2 - Happy Hour Temptation

Well, today is starting out kind of bad. Not in a "bad" bad way, but in a "I woke up at 3:45am and could not go back to sleep" kind of way. I blame it on all the veggies and beans I ate yesterday! No, not really. I am sure my nap yesterday had a little to do with it. Not sure what else, but oh well.

Already my eyes are stinging with allergens today, and it is only 7am. I had my smoothie (same as yesterday) and gave a big ol' F U to the tea. I really like my coffee. Instead of refined sugar, I put agave nectar in it. Sorry...I just cannot do the stevia thing. It changes the flavor of my coffee way too much!

Ok, so here I am at lunch time. I was starving but have a lot to do so only have my soup from last night. I fully intended to go get a protein in the store, but alas, I have not. It is ok. I will be leaving in an hour and 1/2 so if I am starving, I can get something with Walter. The soup is good and hearty though so that is a good thing. I may possibly lose it at happy hour today since the extra sugars and empty calories in the drinks, but if I order food, I will be very concious.

Here i am back at it. I came home too late and went right to bed to finish it...so here is the rest of the day. I did go to happy hour. I only consumed 2 small margaritas, some steamed muscles and some fries...oh and I dipped the fries in some mayonnaise. A few hours passed and we went to dinner where I drank water and have a pollo asado taco and pastor taco both on corn tortillas. Not bad. I was quite proud of myself limiting my drinks and making a small choice for dinner since it was so late (9pm). That was day two which, other than the allergies which I am sure I will keep complaining about, was great.

Well, I am off to the a great start

I cannot say today was the easiest day ever. It was a start. Not a very bad start either. So last night while I wrote the last entry I had been baking a cake. I ate the piece of cake I was craving and when Walter came home I insisted he take the rest to work with him today. VERY good choice I my part. Plus, all his people liked the cake. I had the worst allergies today. Cedar fever time in Austin combined with mold allergies I have been dealing with ok....until today. Usually my regimen is to take my Cleratin in the morning with my other vitamins and I have eye drops at work for the scratchy eyes that only seem to surface there. It works. I works pretty good. Today...not so much! I was feeling glazed over in my first meeting at 8am and was getting drowsy in my 9 and 10am meetings. I had to bring out the big guns. BENEDRYL. I had to. It actually woke me up and allowed me to finish my day. I did however come home and take a nice hour and 1/2 nap.

Foodwise I an doing pretty good. I started the morning off with my normal protein shake consisting of a cup of blue berries, 3 strawberries, one banana, a tsp of olive oil and a cup of coconut milk. I added my scoop of protein powder in and blended it all up. I love this breakfast. It keeps me filled until I eat lunch around 11....except today. I swear! What was going on today?? By 10am I was ready to chew my arm off! I normally have a snack or two in my drawer for these moments and when I went there in-between meetings all I found were crackers...WITH GLUTEN! "Well shit!" I thought to myself. So I grabbed my water and started downing that. I drank what I normally drink in a full work day by 11 when I had lunch. I cannot say I was less hungry, but it gave me something to do instead of eat. I have to tell you though, I HAD TO PEE SOOOOO MUCH TODAY! I also switched from drinking coffee to having tea. I am not sure if that is going to last. I really missed my coffee.

So lunch finally arrived and I had some white beans in a chili sauce I have been gnawing on for days and a smoked chicken breast. I was really good and took the skin off the chicken and threw it out! I had a very small salad with it with a little vinegrette. I was good until 3. Then I was ready to gnaw my arm off again. I got home around 3:30pm and was looking for something to eat or snack on. At this time I was super tired too. Too tired to even play my SIMS game on the iPad. I ended up downing a full sleeve of rice crackers (gluten free and under 400 calories for the whole thing) BUT dipped each one in cream cheese. It was good! But now looking back, not the best choice, but not a bad one either.

Right now I am cooking dinner. Tonights menu - baked chicken breast with a root vegetable soup. This soup is awesome. I have turnips, celery root, kolrabi, bock choy, carrot greens, and cabbage in there. Seasoned with some Vegeta and pepper. It smells awesome and it nice a hearty and comforty for the windy cold night we have going on right now. I may have an apple later, but we shall see.

Looking at it, I did not do too bad. I made some good choices and some less than the best ones too. All in all, it was a great start. I hope tomorrow will go as well!

Something for the New Year

I am not one for making New Years resolutions. I actually think they are lame. Most people make them and then cannot even remember them after a month let alone have worked on them. I also think that if there is something you feel you need to change or improve on, then why wait until New Years to do it? Seriously? If you want to quick smoking, stop now while you have the chance! If you want to lose ten pounds, start now because it might have to be 20 by New Years after all the holiday gluttony. So, I don't make them. I do however feel that I need to say something at the beginning of this year. I need some thoughts in writing. I need to vent something, or just reflect. I don't really know where this is going, but I guess we will see what comes.

First of all, I am fat. I am so pissed at myself because of it. I have let this happen and tried to blame it on so many things that it is ridiculous. While one excuse was legit, that has been corrected for 5 years now and I am still fat. I like food. I cannot help that. I like the flavors. I like the textures. I like the smells and the aromas. I love to learn about it. I love to cook it. I love everything about it. One thing I cannot love about it is my self control around it. I could easily portion things out. I have done it before and with great success. But I don't. I could be cooking more nutrient dense foods that will leave me more satiated. But I revert to my old standbys. I am in full control, yet I sit back and never change the channel. Oh, don't get me wrong. I browse the TV Guide A LOT, but I just cannot seem to change the channel. It is not like anything is that great on the channel. I am holding the control right here, but I never change it. I guess what I get pissed off at the most is I have the tools and the knowledge to eat right, get fit, slim down, yet I do not have the motivation. What I don't want is to be forced to get the motivation by getting diabetes or heart disease or some other preventable thing.

Ok...so this is going to start to look like a resolution...but it is not. But here I say it....and I am sure I have said it before, but here it is again....I am going to do this. Starting today. Starting right now (after I end this blog). I am going to do better. AND HERE IS MY PLAN from tomorrow until I leave to my mom's 70th Birthday on the 26th.

I will blog daily about my food I eat, my cravings, my trials, my exercise or lack there of, my stress levels. That is part 1. I will call my blogging the "accountability stage".

Part 2 will be the "eating my own words" stage. In this stage I will be eating MORE veggies and green, MORE grains, LESS meat, MINIMAL to NO refined sugars (can't help the sugars in fruits and I am going to do honey in my tea), NO gluten, NO soy, NO dairy (sorry butter), MINIMAL oils (still need some good fats to be satiated and for my joints), MORE fish, LESS beef. Okay...those are my word and I will eat them!

Part 3, "Get off yo' damn ass". Yup! That's it. I think of that being said in the southern tone of Kenisha Jackson! She has got some spirit in her and would smack the shit out of me with all her love and kindness to get me off my ass and do something! Stretching in a great start...yoga, meditation, long, meaningful stretches. Going with that I have a decision to make. I have a spin bike, practically new, that is either going to be sold or taken in our move in March. If I start using it, it will be taken, if not, sold. My goal is to take that sucker because I would not be able to live without it. Getting off my damn ass and using it is the key. OFF...MY...DAMN...ASS!!!

Well, I guess that is what is on my mind for the new year! Thank god I know how to make a gluten free corn bread when I get the craving!

You know, I often think to myself that I am not passionate about anything. I think this is what I am passionate about. Being the best me, and giving that best me to Walter, my family and my friends. Not only do I deserve it, they deserve the best me too!

See you tomorrow on my blog! Wonder what I am going to be eating....